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Sebastyne

A rock fan. A thinker. A psychic empath and a channel, a Tarot reader. The lover of men, kings, and gods. An eternal romance analyser. A polyandrist. A romantic pervert. (A psycho-spiritual life coach.)

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Alice Cooper sinking Hell at Helsinki Tuska Festival 2015

He looks like a dried up pumpkin in a clown suit, the lines so clear you do not need the massive monitors to see them, he is so old he could have fathered half of us – and as far as us rock fanatics go, he basically did. He is the embodiment of cool, this decaying-while-still-alive horror rocker, who just gave us a breathtaking hour and a half at the Tuska-festival in Helsinki. (Tuska means ‘agony’.) A crowd full of committed sworn metal heads, he got us all cheering to the guy who lives and breaths rock n’ roll, who leaves nothing to chance and who delivers truly an unforgettable show (the kind we don’t mind having been planned and repeated a thousand times before us). Complete, utter respect for the guy. He deserves every accolade ever given.

And no, I’m not a die-hard fan. In fact, I struggle to remember if I’ve ever heard half the songs but was I any less excited to see the legend than those who need him like the air they breathe? Not much less, I tell ya, and I only say that out of respect for those who truly worship the ground he walks on – I have no right to claim I would have been equally excited. I have never stumbled at his show before, and even nearing 40 I was freaking excited, and so was my equally over-aged companions, grinning ear-to-ear for simply being flattered for for once not being treated with the attitude of “let’s just start the tour from Helsinki for practice, who the fuck cares if we mess it up, it’s the last stop before nowhere at all.” (Which is fucking insulting because Finns have metal in their veins and secondly are one of the most active users of social media in the world so you don’t want to fuck things up in Finland, never mind the size, but starting a tour from Helsinki to spread the word is a good idea, because if they’re impressed… Albeit that they are hard to impress.)

Speaking of which, if you ever wondered what money smells like, go see Alice Cooper. Normally when these US acts come to my neck of woods (be it Finland or Australia) they lighten up the rig quite a bit due to traveling expenses, but not Alice Cooper. His wardrobe alone weighs more than the average bands’ entire rig, he is all show and that show is fantastic. It is a true rock n’ roll show, that has sadly been reduced into a kids’ show in USA, what I hear, and that is a fucking disgrace. Not that I’ve done any investigating journalism (ie. asked someone if what I hear is true) for this piece, I say he should ban children from his show, because, firstly, it is actually quite gruesome, and secondly, it spoils the fun from grown up Alice fans who don’t see the show as something you have to believe in order to enjoy it, it is a SHOW, entertainment, a bit of a laugh – but serious fucking fun, and parents bringing their kids to a rock concert, to begin with, irk me to no end. (Is there ANYTHING that grown-ups can do without having to look over their shoulder to make sure minors are not exposed to something inappropriate? It is just infuriating how parents smugly bring their kids anywhere at all thinking they should be allowed simply because their own genetic material has been so cutely mixed into this bag of bones here.)

A funny little anecdote regarding the show; Alice was borrowing Lordi‘s boa, the skinned and breathing type, not the feather type, for the show. Now there is a pair of soulmates if you ever saw any; Alice and Lordi. I hope they actually met and broke bread. Damned Alice could use Lordi’s masking skills in his show…

In addition to having a beef with kids at rock shows, I also have a beef with women on rock stage. Fucking hell do they spoil the fun for rarely actually *getting it*, but also rarely having the actual talent and skill to deliver a show – like the act preceding Cooper at Tuska, The Sirens from UK proved by being a fucking embarrassment if you ask me. They seemed like the “gender quota”, nothing anyone really wanted to see. I would be honouring them too much to even bother to explain why they sucked – anyone with a pair of ears or eyes and half a brain could tell (they were right to behave apologetically for just being there though), so to see Alice with the guitarist Nita Strauss, who gave a show so awesome I wouldn’t have cared if she actually played a note herself -which she most certainly did. Just wow. She wasn’t just good “for a woman”, she was actually brilliant as both an entertainer and a guitarist, truly a joy to both listen to and to watch.

I wanted to say that Alice Cooper stole the show, but he stole nothing because in addition to being the headliner, the amount of money he paid to put the show on probably covers the expenses of the entire festival. On that note, his rates might be the reason Tuska had to get The Sirens play, too… After Alice, I don’t think the organizers could afford a full list of actual, proper bands on the bill.

 

 

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I said

Twin Soul runner and chaser thing is like a game of tag-you’re-it. Once you catch the runner, you turn into it.

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