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A rock fan. A thinker. A psychic empath and a channel, a Tarot reader. A single polyandrist looking; The lover of men, kings, and gods. An eternal romance analyzer.  A romantic pervert. Generation X Rebel. A psycho-spiritual life coach.

Quite the 12 hours.

If only I had started working 20 years ago, where would I be now?

I’ve been working my butt off on my website(s) ever since 1999 when I created my first website. However, as much as I worked, as much as I loved doing what I do, as much as I said I took it seriously, I couldn’t quite take it as real work.

I’ve been looking for a way to cheat, to get an easy break and to find a loophole to get me fast out of my miserable life, refusing to get a job – a thought I hated. I never feared to put in the effort, but I hated the idea of having to WORK for a living, which, to me, meant having to work for a third party. I’ve worked 12-hour days for 20 years to avoid having to get a job… Making NO money. This has NOTHING to do with how much I am willing to work, only for whom.

This is probably not how my mother felt. I think she was fearing that work-feeling for me, the feeling she, herself was very familiar with. Whenever I got close to “working”, she’d stop me.

That changed my approach to the way I reacted to everything unpleasant about working on a website. SEO, self-promotion, writing eBooks to promote the site, tweaking the layouts to absolute perfection, and the like. And as my attitude about it was that it wasn’t REAL WORK, charging for my services, to my mother (in spirit) sounded like I was cheating and doing something illegal.

Without truly knowing why, she stopped me from feeling right about charging for what I do. The irony is, I always wanted to be honest, as well. My mom would have let me swindle people out of their last cent if that would have been what I wanted to do.

I had a shitty 12 hours.

I had a spat with T, in spirit, again, about what HE thought I was doing. He thought I was simply keeping a distance from him to force him to crawl to me. I do not play games, and it insulted me to the core he thought I was a 2-cent princess playing games on him.

I was still shitty when I woke up. Luckily, someone who I am tentatively labeling a True Spirit Mirror was online and talking to me, changing the way I felt about things…

One of the most beautiful things he said, when I was ranting and bitching about this guy, he said: “Quit it, this is not you.”

How much have I needed someone to know it, that I am above pettiness, bitching, moaning and groaning and feeling sorry for myself, I don’t do that shit. I am no classless brat this other guy thinks I am. Him and my mother and my so-called best friend. And yet… Here I am still swearing. You sleep with the dogs and you wake up with the fleas, right?

I had a chat with him and fell back to sleep.

If only I had been working from the start…

I woke up with a thought: “If only I had worked from the start, imagine where I’d be right now.”

The amount of effort I’ve put in is staggering.

It’s just put on all the wrong things.

Because the right things freaked my mom out. Whether she didn’t want me to start working while I didn’t want to, or fear that I’d deceive people into thinking I was serious when I wasn’t, swindling them out of their money or both, I don’t know, whenever I started to get anywhere near professional, her energy stopped me on my tracks.

And at the end of the day, it’s still my own responsibility.

I chose to make a soulmate out of her and my friend in some distant past for some reason. Probably to teach them how to be better people, spiritually speaking. Like teaching a pig to fly. They wanted to teach me I wasn’t above them, and that I, too, would have to work for a living.

I believed, for centuries, that the Lord will provide.

The Lord provides shit if you’ve got friends like I’ve made.

I am filthy angry right now, still am, but I’ll fix this. I’ve said it numerous times during this all, that I’ll work for the rest of my life making it up to my True Spirit Mirrors they had to see me like this. I’ve been swearing and screaming at people, fighting for a freedom from my past life kitchen servants who thought in their uppity mind that they should be my fucking master.

This is what happens when the tail wags the dog.

However. Here’s the silver lining:

The reason why this was even possible to happen under the Universal Law. There is no action that doesn’t come with a reward. As I was spinning wheels saleswise and business-wise, I was forced to put time and effort into the product itself; me and my theories. Such time and effort that I wouldn’t have needed to put in otherwise. With a different attitude, I could have sold this shit years ago – unfinished, unchecked, half-baked.

Now, it’s a collection of messy, reader-unfriendly crazy archive that I am proud of but also ashamed of. It’s a junkyard of genius. Nobody in their right mind would want to read it, but it’s absolutely freaking gold once I get to editing it and making some sense out of it. Rebuilding this site – and hopefully, with the attitude of work rather than play, I’ll make wiser choices on how I spend my energy.

And hopefully, my kitchen staff stays the fuck away from it.

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