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A rock fan. A thinker. A psychic empath and a channel, a Tarot reader. A single polyandrist looking; The lover of men, kings, and gods. An eternal romance analyzer.  A romantic pervert. Generation X Rebel. A psycho-spiritual life coach.

The Annoying Half of My Voices Are Currently Detached – interesting

This may provoke them to come back but I'll try

I have four types of spirit entities around me: My friends and family from real life who I actually appreciate (normally very quiet, but I feel their presence), my friends and family with whom I’ve got stuff to work through or HAD stuff to work though (the loudest, the most annoying bunch), a group of unknown spirits who are trying to train me into becoming an online sensation by faking my emotions, pushing me into this fake positive mood that you all know well, avoiding negativity and anything too serious, and then finally, the group I call “the party”, while the rest of them are the party crashers. (My friends might be welcome but) the party consists solely on men, both famous and not, and a few female celebrities, and they are my inspiration, the positive force, the loving force, the inspiring force and, the male half, the very sexual deep passionate force.

Even though my friends and family with whom I have no issues are people who I have no issues with, I don’t necessarily see them as a part of my future in a very meaningful way, I mean we‘d still get along without drama, but I don’t see them enjoying the lifestyle I’m aiming to achieve, nor do I need them to, they are who they are and they have their own lives to lead, and I never wish to change anyone into something they are not.

So I’ve been trying hard to push out everyone who doesn’t fit into that lifestyle, including the emotion fakers, who are exactly what these people are bored sick of. They first got interested me because I was one of the rare real things they’d seen in a long fucking while, and it’s such an enjoyment to connect to people on a true emotional space, including the “negative” emotions, that the fakers are trying to pretend do not exist. Nobody’s life is always exciting and energetic, and it’s not supposed to be. We are not robots, we go through motions, it’s like saying your body should only ever experience hot temperatures or only cold temperatures, and call that “a healthy sensory system”. Feelings are sensations, they react to whatever is happening in your life, if it feels bad it is bad, if it feels good it is good, and the emotion in itself may be “negative” but if you enjoy feeling it, it is a positive thing… And everyone enjoys an authentic feeling… To some extent, if they are brave enough to feel it fully. We avoid feeling certain feelings, because… Enjoying them would seem nonsensical, for instance, someone punches you in the face, and even though normally, you’d think the pain should be making you angry, you may feel pleasure of having annoyed someone to the extent that they needed to cause you such pain, so the pain turns pleasurable instead of angering… A relatively bad example but still.

Now, as the over-positive people have been artificially lifting my moods, I’ve had trouble explaining to the other annoying half that I REALLY need them to go. I’ve had to combat the feeling of constant fake euphoria with a constant state of fuming anger just to bring the message home. Not that I wasn’t angry, it’s just that I needed to over-emphasis to combat the feeling of NOT BEING ABLE TO really reach the full feeling of where I was coming from without going way over the top of what I’d normally say or do.

But… The thing that kept me in this state was my fued with my mom and my best friend, who are not friends to each other… To my knowledge. My mom has learned to appreciate her over the years as they think alike, but… I have learned to hate them both equally because they think alike. They are both control freaks and one of them is proud of that… What they thought was that I wanted them to suffer for me. They measure love by “how much you suffer for someone” not by how much you are WILLING to suffer when things go really really freaking bad, they need to measure the amount of suffering in every life time, and if they can’t find anything else to measure it, they’ll create a scenario that we cannot get out of, thinking that our need to go through any amount of pain for someone else, means that we are willing to suffer FOR THEM. I am not exactly sure how that logic works, but although I’d go through hell for my men, they’d never PUT ME THROUGH Hell just to see me do it for them, nor would I put them through hell just to see how fucking much they love me.

The irony here is that I couldn’t escape this. They were pressing on with all their force, and all I could do is to shout back. It was like commanding a cancer patient for “being brave” because… They are afraid but don’t die, or because they are not afraid of dying, or they’re dying or because they’re “not giving up” or because they finally “gave up”. As in… Whatever they do in a situation they cannot escape, the ONLY reading in their measure is “bravery”, just like in my case, no matter how I reacted to them, the only reading my mom and my so called best friend would read into it is: “She loves us so much she wants us to suffer for each other.” The more I tried to hurt them emotionally, the more they felt I wanted them to suffer for them to show me how much they loved me, and vice versa.

In the mean while, I am a hedonist. I don’t like suffering, AT ALL. I hate to suffer. I hate anyone suffering around me. All I want to do in this world is to stop people from suffering and give them enjoyment and happiness, but I do get filthy angry at people who do not allow other people to live their lives in peace and happiness, and I do fight them with the wrath of an Aries God. Enjoyment is the freedom to experience feelings unobstructed. ALL feelings. To feel feelings with no need to feel ashamed of those feelings. That is probably the primary requirement for a state of happiness, the freedom to feel one’s own feelings without the shame often linked to it, let alone another person’s influence on HOW you actually feel, like those external fluff mongers wanted me to feel.

Yesterday, I kicked two goals. First, I watched Sinead O’Connors video in which she cries uncontrollably describing her mental health situation, and second, I managed to explain to mom and my former best friend that I don’t like people sufferign for me, and if I have no way out of a situation, how can you tell if I am suffering FOR YOU or BECAUSE OF YOU? Because I would have ended the suffering if I had had the opportunity to, and the only reason why I kept going instead of putting a bullet through my head (or, rather, slashing my wrists because a bullet is hard to come by in Australia) was because I knew where I was going and with whom. I suffered BECAUSE of my mom’s and former best friend’s twisted idea of what love is, walked through it DESPITE them and FOR the men I loved.

Sinead O’Connor was relevant because I could feel the pain she was feeling was not really her own. It felt like she was crying for someone else’s pain, something GIVEN to her, rather than what she was actually feeling. I felt she was under a psychic attack, not really feeling her own depression, which happens, but there’s a clear cause for it. Her emotions came from somewhere else, I felt. And that was relevant to my fake euphoria people who understood why that would not be… Fun.

The reason why measuring love in terms of suffering is a very bad idea is that there’s no end to it. You make each other suffer more and more and more, and you simply go to extremes. My former best friend, for instance, in a vision, has cut the throat of my lovers in front of me when she’s been in the ruling position over me, thinking that because I felt I couldn’t stop her, I did it because I loved her. So, in a vision, I held a knife to the throat of each of her family members, whom she loves dearly, screaming at her: “Do you feel this is love? Do you think this is FUN?! How important AM I TO YOU?!” Her family members each submitted to becoming an example, partly knowing I wasn’t going to cut their throat, partly knowing that it was their daughter and sister who needed to see this loud and clear. So if she’d find someone who treats her the same way she treats them, everyone who she truly loves is in danger. “Will you love me still if I kill him for you, would you love me still if I killed her?” (These are very real visions, sometimes easily confused with a past life memory, and the only thing that tells me that what happened with her wasn’t real, was because I would have killed her if she had done that right in front of me, and I would have kept killing her for god knows how long, but what she specializes at is to get them killed “for God”, or for some noble cause or due to some political play or whatever, so that I can’t really blame her, but she still gets the kicks out of being oh so loved – she associates herself with God, and thinks whenever we die for God, we die for her. And no, from now on, we won’t be dying for God, either, or anyone else who thinks “dying for them” is something they’d expect a good follower to do.)

The point of this post was though, that I feel like my emotions are my own now, even though my spiritual beliefs have drastically changed over the last years. Like night and day. I feel like I am no longer a subject to my fate, but that I will learn to control my fate from here on in, and that I’ll be able to protect my lovers from harm coming to them, up to a point at least. At least they have learned that I DO NOT enjoy watching them die or to be made into a fucking widow 5 times a life time, and they’ve vowed to stay alive for me for as long as humanly possible or until mutually agreed that it’s time to move on.

They must know I don’t enjoy drama, I enjoy love and happiness and lazy days and staying in bed until the cows come home, naked. With sexy men, or one. That’s what I enjoy. What I enjoy is friends having a good laugh, GOOD friends, the kind that wants to see you happy and successful, not the kind that wants to see you suffer because of them. But what I also enjoy is knowledge of the spiritual world, and I needed to know all of this, I needed the full picture. I’ve been toying with gods and saints for too many life times, but I never had the audacity to DEMAND FOR ANSWERS so my humble approach has bitten me in the ass, because for as long as you accept an explanation, God won’t give you the truth, nor would he have been able to, because he’s a human being, too… Just one we’d chosen, unwittingly, to play the role of a God in our lives, and we accept that mistake to be our own, but one we must correct.

My men must know they are what make me happy, not my power over them, or my ability to push them off a cliff to see if they’d do it, their presence makes me happy, to hear their voices, the sweet resonance of a male voice, the way it resonates when they laugh, the way they joke, the way they each other or me. What I enjoy is a happy man, what I loathe is a pain and misery coming into our perfect existence. Some souls mistake that strong feeling of wrath or disappointment for a feeling of enjoyment, as they, themselves enjoy the power they have over you. The crazy thing about life is that we all want everyone to enjoy it, up to the point where someone has been “giving you all of this joy” for so long you want to see them burn in hell for all eternity, with no love attached to that message. When someone is causing you pain, they think you love it. Here’s another fucked up relationship goal for you:

There are people who believe that the person you marry after meeting someone like a twin flame, as in a highly intense soulmate, is the one you love more than the one that got away. Even though you keep pining after this other person, they think that because you’re not running to them, that must mean you’re in love with your spouse more, EVEN THOUGH you felt that other person didn’t want you. The fact you keep thinking about this other person and wanting to find a way to be together with them, hoping for your marriage to end, to them, doesn’t mean you married the wrong person during a weak moment of despair, but that you love them more than your soulmate, enough to sacrifice your sexual pleasure for “something more profound”. I think what it is that they think the soulmate represents lust or sexual desire only and that you give up desire or fake dramatic emotions for someone more stable, when in fact you simply give up hope having the one you want and drop your expectations to marrying the one you can have instead.

So… To close the circle, I told my mom and my best friend: If you truly want to suffer for your love for me, and show me you truly DO care for me, then Go Away, know that I don’t love you, go live your lives and put on a brave face as you see me succeed. Do not let me feel your pain, let me always be blissfully happy with my men, do not bother me with your troubles, soldier on, be strong. Don’t ever let me see or feel the fact you’re in pain. That is what a loving man does when he thinks or knows his love isn’t welcome. Not that I want my men to do that, because I DO love them, but I want you to do it because I don’t.

Or, you can just forget about it and move on, and not suffer, find something else to do with your life, I told them, that’s also an option. If you must, suffer in the knowledge that your love means absolutely nothing to me anymore.


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