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A rock fan. A thinker. A psychic empath and a channel, a Tarot reader. A single polyandrist looking; The lover of men, kings, and gods. An eternal romance analyzer.  A romantic pervert. Generation X Rebel. A psycho-spiritual life coach.

The eye’s on the ball but the player’s confused

I know what I want, but I don't know how

It is an incredibly weird feeling, being so focused and confused at the same time. I’ve got a pin point goal in life, I know EXACTLY where I’m going and where I fit, but maneuvering myself from here to there requires strategy, and quite frankly I’m the crappiest strategist in the world. I feel like I need to solve that freaking box that Jurassic Park got started with, or a Rubicks Cube, that to you may sound like child’s play, but for me… I’m an intuitive thinker, not a strategist, and there’s something really annoying about intuition… It’s REALLY HARD to intuitively connect to a lot of people at the same time and predict how each one of them is going to react to things.

Online marketers give a very good advice when they say to pick ONE person, their ideal client, and then talk to THAT PERSON. Give them a name, give them a job title, build a background story etc. It’s a great piece of advice unless you’re clairaudient and everyone you’ve ever met believes you have to target your material TO THEM, regardless of who you ACTUALLY want to target. They get insulted when you want Johnny Depp rather than Miss Thread Count, Connecticut.

I shouldn’t always be talking about Johnny Depp, but damned his antics of late have been entertaining. The rest of the Sexiest Men In The World have been pretty damned boring lately, everyone putting their best foot forward. I feel jealous of myself on their behalf, which is one of those mind-fuck emotions that ruin relationships, but there you go. The guilt you feel about your own movements make everyone feel a bit awkward around you. But who could blame someone for being completely consumed about Johnny Depp and not wanting to hear a word about Kit Harington’s fling with the stone-faced red head?

I don’t know how to play this. There’s a plethora of men surrounding me at all times. I love them all, some I love more than others, some I adore to the last cell of my being, some I am curious about, some I feel awkward loyalty to while hoping it will go back to the way it was some time ago and the awkwardness would melt away… Some I simply like to look at because they’re beautiful. Some, I feel I’ve wanted to be something they probably never were, and they wanted to be that, too, but… When that moment of clarity comes, you realize that maybe they were never what you wanted them to be, but beautiful in a different way entirely… For different people.

I know I am a polyandrist by my natural leaning. I know I want to surround myself with masculine beauty and hear not ONE female voice for days on end while basking in the sounds of male voices. I have become territorial a little. I’ve never been that way before, and now I feel I have, in my previous lives, allowed foxes into my chicken coop so to speak… Due to monogamy. Now, I want my men back, and the lot of you can fuck off. And while I’m at it, I want to claim a few more men than I had to begin with… Just because I can.

I’ve used to be accommodating to other women… To LET THEM HAVE MY MEN, do you understand how REVOLTING that sounds now? Let them HAVE MEN? People? To GIVE a person to another person because “you have too many?” Like a mother of 8 would go… “Oh you know, you can have that one, I don’t need that one because I have so many. That’s the one I like the least.” That is fucking forced monogamy right there. One spouse policy, an outdated barbaric system if you ask me. No. There’s no liking least here. I’ll hold onto the last hairy decaying old man if I happen to love his soul – the ageless part of him… Aging may not be the best thing ever, but hell, their souls are.

And it’s not like I’m a spring chicken myself, but there’s a nice thing about men. They also age. Go figure. 😀

I’m fucking a firey these days. Fuck a Firey Friday I call it. The day he gets a minute. He’s a bit busy tho. I keep teasing him about getting another boyfriend, but he gets so cute about it: “Oh no don’t,” he says “don’t do it!” I haven’t pushed it yet, as I told him from the start I’m a polyandrist and that won’t change, but I’ll give him time to adjust or to get bored with me, one or the other. I’ve been casually chatting with a couple of other guys who I like, but I’m torn again because I KNOW the guys between my ears… There’s too many as it is! A girl can only handle… How many guys can a girl handle if a girl is an absolute nutter? And as crazy as it sounds, I’m planning my life for the men that NOBODY should plan their life to be with.

As I said, I don’t know how to play this. I sound crazy no matter how I play it so I might as well, I suppose. But then I hate the idea of walking up to Steven Tyler, going all: “Well there you are” and he’s like: “Who in the lord’s name are you?!” And not in the good way! Nah, he’d be cool about it even if he thought I was absolutely crazy. He’d be all “Oh darling, don’t cry, no harm done!” and still, I’d be mortified. And then there’s If Love Is Your Name and all the symbols in it that cannot be a coincidence. He might have not been conscious about putting all of them in, but SOMETHING was happening. Every item on the video speaks to me in some way. The lace on the tree most of all. Here…

I used to make cotton calico wedding dresses with cotton lace trimmings for a while. I would hunt flea markets for old cotton lace pieces, just like the ones in the video, as I wanted them to be aged, not new. What are the odds of him having them on a video… It still amazes me, I’ve written about this in other posts before, but yeah. The coincidences are wild, and I’m glad they’re there, otherwise, I wouldn’t believe the first thing of this was real. I didn’t make many of those dresses, but I have a pile of those cotton lace pieces still stored away along with hoop crinoline materials… You know, one of those one day I’ll get back to them -plans. 🙂

I don’t know how to play this, I keep saying. I feel like pretending I don’t know what is happening, but I do. I know, Steven, I know. I can’t pretend that I don’t, as I’d risk giving him the impression that I don’t know and that it’s him who is crazy if he truly knows, the same way as I think happened with Nuno, as I pretended not to know… He was looking at me funny, and then he avoided me like he was afraid he’d catch a disease, but I don’t know… I couldn’t sense his feelings then and I simply chickened out. At least I know who he is, they can only guess out of thousands of fans. Bleh.

Oh well, it’s not like I have a reputation to protect. It’s been more of a reputation demolishing project for myself. Destroy the old, tired boring reputation and build a new one. “Maine se on huonokin maine” we say; “Even a bad reputation is still a reputation”… No such thing as bad press, I suppose, being the English variant. In my head, we could go on for hours with translations of translations and then the connotations of translations, part of the reason this has taken so long is because of our absolute love of language. We can get distracted by a phrase for near an hour before getting back to the topic at hand.

Yeah, whatever. I’ll tell you why I believe this is real gradually. I may have lost some of my senses… Nah, I haven’t lost my senses, I’ve acquired a few extra. 😀

Well, whatever.

The party in my head is beyond amazing.


Hah, Joe is requiring a replacement for that logo, to make it a combination of a selfie and a logo like I used to bother to make… It’s funny tho, he is not exactly the type I’d pin for the guy who helps me code… And yet, he does. 😀 He’s learned watching me, and now he’s pointing out stuff that I keep making mistakes with. Annoying as hell but helpful. 😀


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