Sebastyne - blog home

Sebastyne

A rock fan. A thinker. A psychic empath and a channel, a Tarot reader. A single polyandrist looking; The lover of men, kings, and gods. An eternal romance analyzer.  A romantic pervert. Generation X Rebel. A psycho-spiritual life coach.

Should a man feel ashamed for having divorced his wife? If so, when?

Women get congratulated when they leave the louse they married. Shouldn't the same apply to men?

We live in a gender equal society, theoretically, at least. Yet, in case of a divorce, everyone’s eyes turn to the husband. “What did you do wrong?” Women are supposedly good at relationships, but men are not.  It doesn’t matter which one of the spouses file, it is always assumed to be his fault that the marriage failed. But is it always so? Do we ALWAYS get to blame the guy for a good reason? Is it fair to shame the husband for a divorce?

It is a myth that women are good at relationships, or any better than men are

Women are no better at relationships than men are, generally speaking. They too have their hangups, their fears, their tendencies to dominate, control, and argue. They too are closed up and bottle up their true emotions. They too have trouble expressing love, for more reasons than men do. The wife is more than capable of belittling her spouse and making him feel worthless despite everything he does, and these are not qualities of people who are good at relationships.

Nobody is good in the wrong relationship, but some people are bad in all of them. This is not a gender issue, this is a question of an individual and their individual problems. No mentally stable person is bad at relationships, but even they are bad in the wrong ones.

Also, the person who knows how THEY want their relationship to work is only good in a relationship that functions entirely on his or her own terms. A woman who is good at relationships knows how to give in a little here and there. A woman who is good at relationships shouldn’t mix gender politics (feminism) into her love relationships, but yet, so often they do. She should also do that without making it seem like a huge sacrifice on her part.

A person who is good at relationships makes people around them relax

Too many women think they are great at relationships, while others around them are “difficult to manage”. Being a wife (or a husband) is not a managerial position, even though that’s how women tend to see it. The role of a spouse is to be a lover, a companion, the soft place to fall, a protector, a kind voice, a tender word, and someone who you can count on to be on your side EMOTIONALLY speaking. The spouse’s role is not to be the challenger, the sarcastic bastard in your team, it is not the role of a manager, a boss, nor an employee.

A person who is good at relationships and a good spouse makes his or her family feel happy to be home. They create an air of ease, not a constant state of a battle to survive this cruel world. A person who is good at relationships also knows how to put true happiness ahead of perceived happiness portrayed to the neighbors and social media. (Note that stopping family members from using social media on the grounds of it looking like we are more interested in how we look like rather than how we are is also just cosmetics and a front.) A good wife does not harness her family to serve her reputation, any more than a good husband would.

People who are good at relationships do not use their loved ones (in ways they do not wish to be used)

Women often turn away from their husband once he has given her his seed and the litter is on the ground so to speak. This idea that women love their children more than their husband is at the point of an ideal creates an unhealthy attachment to the child and pushes the husband aside. This expectation is simply PLAIN WRONG. The primary relationship SHOULD BE between two lovers who equally love their child, the fruit of their love.

Deliberately…

The height of despicability comes when a woman finds herself a man for a husband, uses him to have a child, then uses him again to take care of that child. She then simultaneously denies him her love and affection… And feels proud doing so, too.

She turns to the man only to say: “You have done your part, you can go now. I have what I wanted out of you. “But if he does, she’ll blame him for leaving her. Sure, some test his love for her, trying to chase him away because she now feels undesirable, but is it any wonder he feels unloved for this, too? Some women even feel they need to protect their child against the child’s loving father.

“Being used” can be pleasurable

Just to point this out so nobody freaks out for having “used someone”, it can be the most pleasurable thing to have someone you adore use you in any way they can imagine IF you have given them a full permission to do so. IT SHOULD be what marriage means, but too often people get married for reasons other than this… Quite understandably so. The marriage vows probably should include a line: “I give you a full permission to use me in any which way you need me, I now belong to you.” Hopefully, that line would get stuck in people’s throats before they marry the wrong person. It is worth noting that this is what some people think marriage means, while others do not, and if they enter into the marriage with different expectations, a mess is inevitable.

Women who rejoice a man’s failure

It is also nothing uncommon that women gather around to dog on their husbands. This is probably much more common than what it is among men; many men would feel that if they talk like this about their wives, they wouldn’t deserve to stay married to them. However, this is also not a gender thing but more a thinker type thing, some people feel it is a show of love to their spouse to hate them but love them at the end of the day. But not everyone talk like that. Some talk simply out of viciousness and the wish to state one’s superiority.

Not good at relationships

Some women are like this. They gather together to bitch about someone’s husband. They feel vindicated when a man fails at something. The constant battle between sexes is still raging among the weak women, who believe they have to somehow prove it that men are not as good as women are. The constant battle over power.

People who are in relationships to claim control and tyrannical dominance over another person are not good at relationships. (Dominant people are not necessarily controlling. There is a pleasurable balance in this, and men often know that balance really well, while women are a bit clueless about it.)

 

Androphobia, the fear of men

Some women are perpetually afraid of men. This has nothing to do with the man himself, they simply fear men. This is yet another form of a fobia, androphobia. This is a condition when someone is constantly suspicious of a man and his motivations without any real reason to be so. His or her focus is entirely on his gender, not his recent behavior, and their fear is triggered by nothing but stereotypical beliefs of what men are like.

It is also true that men perpetuate the fear of other men, too. Fathers may warn their daughters about men so much, that the daughter believes all men are dangerous except for daddy. Some men feel it is their romantic, fatherly duty to scare off the young men who love their daughter, and this creates androphobia. So men are not innocent to the development of this fear, either.

However, this being the case, can we blame a man for failing to convince his wife that he’s not dangerous, cheating, or lying?

We need to start loving men and seeing them in a realistic light; as heroes

Yeah, okay, not all men are heroes, but so many of them are. They do so much for this society, that we don’t even think it’s anything to thank them for, we simply take it all for granted. People treat the masculine half of our societies as if they had no other purpose but to serve others, no rights, no pleasures, simply servitude to women and children. Men and women ridicule men for having needs of their own, not being able to control their feelings, or failing to be everything to everyone. If women complain about how much they need to do, they should probably try a moment in a man’s shoes.

Men may get off easier in raising their own families on the day to day front, generally speaking, but what they contribute elsewhere is another matter. They take responsibility for things women get to simply blame them for. I am not saying women don’t take responsibility, but when they don’t, it’s okay. Nobody pressures a woman too much to do their bit in society. A lazy woman is simply… “A free spirit”, whereas a man… Well. You get the idea.

Men deserve love, too

Nobody would get away with saying to a woman that she needs to stay in a marriage where she feels unappreciated, unloved, constantly yelled at, nagged at, and belittled simply because she has a duty towards her husband. Nuhhuh. Those days are gone. Men, however, are in a different position.

If they are unloved, it’s because they are not very lovable, right? No. This is not true, it’s often that the woman is on some power rush, and won’t love a guy until he does this or that, and when they’ve done that, she insists on some other menial problem. The husband may always be chasing after some point at which he is finally enough and proven his worthiness.

No. You do not need to feel ashamed for wanting something more than that. Something better, and someone who loves you for who you truly are.

When the love is there

If you still love her, challenge her bullshit. If you WANT TO make it work, make her accountable for her words. Show her you are not going to go away – if you are prepared to stay, that is. If she needs to fight you to ensure you’re staying, give her a chance to do so. Yell back. Don’t back off, don’t leave, show her you want to stay with her.

Or, leave.

But do not submit into a role of a man you do not wish to be.

Men are too polite

In many ways, men are too polite to say anything bad about their wives, even when she deserves it. The old habit of never criticising a lady is still there, but well after the time when the practise was harmless. It doesn’t matter if a person who has NO legal rights or control over their own lives has a completely unrealistic self-image and the idea of reality, but when that person has equal rights to a man, IT IS A PROBLEM.

Gender equality isn’t all about fun and games for the ladies too, it also includes the rise in accountability and responsibility.

When should a man feel ashamed of himself?

Whenever one person forces or coerces another person to stay with them, I say there’s a shame to be felt. It is a completely different matter when you SHOW someone you want to stay with them, and when you refuse to believe they do not want you (anymore).

I don’t know if I can judge anyone for leaving any relationship, as I happen to believe that it is always better, down the line, that relationships that do not hold together on their own fail. I fully believe in true love, and in everlasting love, but whenever the pairing doesn’t last, it’s better for it to fail. I do not believe in “trying”, as much as I believe in DO YOU WANT TO stay? For as long as both partners wish to stay together, things are fine, even if they are difficult. If BOTH are equally committed to sorting out whatever is wrong, things are ALL GOOD.

When one party no longer wants to make it work, they are free to go. I don’t care what is the cause of it, if someone feels they are not up for the task, they SHOULD leave.

Children

Of course, there is often an innocent child in the picture, and that is a problem. Too often men are half coerced into fatherhood, and when they wind up not wanting to be a parent… It is not really their fault if the wife is left alone to care for the children SHE insisted on having – if this is the case. There isn’t even a punishment for a practice called ”

Oopsing

There isn’t even a punishment for a practice called “oopsing”, “oops honey, I ‘forgot’ to take the pill… I know you don’t want to have kids, but you’ll love him or her, honey? Honey?” Nobody can blame a person for not wanting a relationship with someone who would deliberately ignore their right to self-govern in a matter of this importance. That kind of women do not deserve love nor respect. But… There’s a child in the picture. A child cannot be left to a parent who so blatantly ignores other people’s needs.

The WORST possible hand to be dealt for a guy. There is NO good solution to this, none whatsoever. The only thing I have to say to this is vasectomy. If you know you don’t want kids ever, snip them tubes. However, men can want to have children, just not necessarily with the woman they are currently sleeping with.

Mess

Having said that… If a guy didn’t have enough balls to say it straight that he is not daddy material just to keep a girlfriend and AGREED to have children, then… He HAS TO take care of his own mess until the mess turns 18. That doesn’t, in any way, mean he has to stay married to the mother. Every woman should also factor in the possibility of winding up a single mom before having children. Women may well KNOW when they can count on their guy, but they also know when they have to rely on his sense of duty, and that’s not a good base to found a family on. Families should only ever be based on mutual devotion to each other, devotion that runs higher than the couples love for their children. Children should be the fruit, not the glue.

In 18 years, he’s legally clear from a duty to his children, and I don’t, personally, judge men for cutting the ties here, not that I’ve ever met a man who had. Just wouldn’t judge anyone for doing so, if he was coerced into the job against his will. His the kids will have to sort out their end of the deal: we all have a shitty parent or two, even the ones who stayed. That’s life. It’s our duty to find balance in adulthood, despite our parent’s failures, PREFERABLY before having children of our own.

Be truly ashamed if

This is when a man should hang his head in shame: You found a woman you really liked. You decided to beg and plead her to have children with you. She yielded under pressure, gave you a child or two, and you decided you got what you wanted and started sleeping around looking for the next conquest. When you found one, someone ‘higher market’, you divorced your first wife and married the next.

Another scenario. You married a woman who would make you look grown up and successful. You married her, gave her the perfect wedding, you put up the perfect front for her, but sleep around behind her back. Be ashamed, even if nobody is even close to finding out. Divorcing her would be the kind thing to do, not the stuff you need to be ashamed of – although there are women who feel this is exactly what marriages are; just a nice-looking front.

THAT I’d call shame-worthy, and I know men and women who are like this.

Whatever the cause for your divorce was (is)

I am not saying that as a man, you were probably completely without blame here. I am also not saying she is without blame… But be realistic. Take the blame for what was your fault and let her have her end of the blame.

I, a woman, personally, married at a time when I absolutely shouldn’t have. I had lost heart. I stopped believing in the happily ever after and decided to settle for contentment ever after. That was not the right call. I should have known that my positivity will take over eventually, and I will start looking for more.

The dream of perfect love

I want the whole fairytale, and I shouldn’t have to make apologies for that, but it feels like I have to, constantly apologize for wanting to experience true, deep love with someone. I know it may be hard to find, but I know it exists. It’s worth the risk of loneliness, as I’ve never been as lonely as I am in a relationship that I know isn’t enough, without the permission to keep on looking. Trapped in the state of loneliness. It may be comfortable and easy, but it’s not enough.

My own failure was to be forthright enough to my then boyfriend about how I felt about this. I said something, but it wasn’t enough. He had no real way of knowing what the odds of us staying together were. When I said “I do”, I heard my voice rising into a question: “I do?” I already knew this wasn’t going to last. I didn’t want it to… Because I settled. This was not what I wanted, it was what I could settle for… For the time being, and that was wrong of me to drag another person into my own loss of heart. He deserved more, too, but I am not the one to give it to him because I deserve my own fairytale, and as good as a man my ex is, he is not… As bad as I am. 😉

Be honest with yourself. Learn.

That’s all you can do.

Read More
« «
» »



Leave a Reply

Be the First to Post!

avatar

 

Read By Keyword:

 

Search

Sebastyne Personal Logo (green and red variation)