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Sebastyne

A rock fan. A thinker. A psychic empath and a channel, a Tarot reader. A single polyandrist looking; The lover of men, kings, and gods. An eternal romance analyzer.  A romantic pervert. Generation X Rebel. A psycho-spiritual life coach.

“You’re not that good looking” and other facts of life

Why it's so hard to face the mirror sometimes

If you read the last post, you are on the right note for this one. If not, this might not make much sense.

One of the many reasons why I didn’t want to say anything about what is happening with me is that I fear the “online bullies”, the fact that they have the power of convincing me that I am imagining it and that I’m going insane. Nothing is as easy as convincing a person they’re not worthy of something that they want more than they can comprehend, and I need every ounce of my self-confidence to pull through what I intend to do. Ironically, my self-confidence is linked to the self-confidence of my men, and as I hesitate, so do they, they don’t trust my love when I don’t admit to trusting theirs, but as soon as I wrote that post, we‘ve been fine. Now they know.

But before, still second guessing my own sanity, I didn’t want anyone rattling that crickety boat.

I know I am not that good looking. NOBODY is THAT good looking. Nobody should assume that their looks alone will be enough to make men go wild for them, it has never been enough and will never be enough, for every woman who has got men buzzing around them like mindless moths around a lamp, there has never been one that is simply “good looking”, I promise. Such looks don’t exist. And am not saying are mindless… Just mindless in love sometimes.

There’s a saying in Finnish: “Sama naama kesät talvet”, which is, to the effect of: “Same face all year round”, pronounced with a level of boredom and disappointment over the fact the face is still the same this morning as it was last night – nothing has improved over night, and although it speaks of a face, there’s a deeper meaning to it. No matter what you are, you get used to being it. You go through your life being the person you are, and it gets mundane, you get blinded to it because it’s always there; You. Other people aren’t. They are the exciting change in your life. The exciting people.

That doesn’t change the fact you can still see yourself in some level of realism which puts you above other people, but you start doubting yourself because the only person in the room who always thinks they’re better than others is you. How can you trust a measurement that always reads the same, no matter where you take the reading from, when you know there are people whose gauges are so off that should they take a sledgehammer to that intricate instrument, it would still be an improvement. Maybe you’re one of those people?

It’s a nice fucking problem to have, let me tell ya, and I wouldn’t trade my problems in for the problems of the average person for the world, but… It’s still a problem. It is also a problem that I acknowledge that because people love to hear misery and woe-is-me stories. How nobody has it good, and how even the people “who have it all” (lacking a better phrase here) suffer. Yeah, boo-hoo. We don’t. We actually don’t suffer as much as what it looks like others do, but it is still the dull, continual pain that goes with it. The requirement to stuff the genie back into the bottle and keep it there.

And shallow people will remind me that I do not have it all. That I don’t have any of the markers of a success story, and they’re right. Superficially I am nothing much. Nothing at all. I haven’t got anything to show for any of this, except for 30 books worth of tall tales.

I remember watching a movie, I think it was the Green Lantern, a Marvel superhero with the dumbest name ever, who was being told that he was the chosen one of some sort. I wondered how much proof does a guy need, I mean… Come on, isn’t  it obvious? I’ve wondered the same reading stories about God’s chosen ones, “If that happened to me, sure I’d believe for a lot less than that moron!” I’ve read through dozens of actual “Twin Flame” stories (using quotes to mock the theory, not the experience) in which these fabulous women wonder if it is possible their other half is in love with them because that man is next to god to them… And I wonder: “How much more proof do you need?!”

But then these men came to me, and one after one after one they say the same thing… And the more there is, the harder it is for me to accept it. They start to fear their own position, I fear I can’t be enough for everyone, so I start pushing some of them away just because I’m not enough for you all. But maybe I am, in some way.

But… The bigger you are, the bigger your fate. The less you can rely on what has happened to others and to take solace in the fact that this is all normal. Happens all the time.

No. Nothing like what has been happening to me has happened to someone else before me. Some of it has. There are elements in it that are familiar to other people, but not in the full mass of it all. The realization I can make sense out of something people treated as ACTUAL GODS haven’t figured out yet, people whose pictures others worship and keep with them for guidance, people who have said to be… complete in their soul’s development who I now see as mere fledglings compared to myself… The person I see in the mirror Every Single Day.

But who could tell me I am or am not insane? Who would I trust to make that judgment for me? There is NOBODY who could possibly do that for me. I can only be proven not to be insane, I am beyond the point of return, nobody could convince me that I am imagining all of this… Because They Haven’t Got  A Clue of what is happening, and I haven’t got the words to tell.

But they can certainly make a serious dent in my trust in it. My very principle dictates it: You cannot ever be right until you accept the theoretical possibility that you might have mistaken. It’s again the measurement thing, the gauge… If the only reading in your gauge is “I’m right and you’re wrong”, how could you possibly trust a gage like that? Clearly, it’s stuck in one reading. I’m glad to say I know I’ve made mistakes and that I’ve got it wrong sometimes, even if my parents and missguides also were wrong. Just the fact I’ve made mistakes doesn’t mean a next person is infallible, or correct… But this came as an absolute shocker to those people I spoke of… As they were ready to argue with me: “You know you’ve made mistakes, therefore, we were right!!!” No. No, you were not you morons. You’re about as far off the truth as an Arctic explorer is from the North Pole, but even if I wasn’t at the North Pole myself, I’m standing about 10 feet away from it. Even if you were standing right on the South Pole, you are not right if you’re looking for the north one although it may well look the same.

And I understand a lot of what I say or am fits into an array of psychological disorders. Megalomania, paranoid delusions, grandiose delusions, a narcissistic personality disorder, schizophrenia or acute psychosis, erotomania, perhaps a general mania, perhaps as an overcorrection to depression without the depressive state, maybe? These are all conditions that the normal people see as problems because the “sufferers” deviate from the norm even though they are happier than the average person. They argue it with “You’re in denial because you cannot accept being normal” but I say: “You’re in denial because you cannot accept the fact I’m so much better than you that it defies the very basis of the natural order of things that you base your sense of your reality on. I make you doubt your own sanity and your own value as a human being, and if that’s not a motivation to deny something, I don’t know what is. After all… That’s why we have trouble trusting our own sanity, so welcome to the club.”

And I am not the only person who is constantly being beaten down to accept their own non-existent “normalcy”. To create an illusion of being ordinary, just so that the ordinary people could go back home, turn on the television and trust that there is nobody smarter than them, nobody more capable than them, and nobody that is inherently sexier or more alluring than they are, and if there are some who think they are, they’re fucking fooling themselves and insane. That they are the normal people, the sane ones, the ones who have things under control. They are the ones afraid of people like me taking over the control of the world because they’ve got everyone right where they want it now – and every smart person ever existed has said the same damned thing until they’ve silenced with the claim of mental imbalance.

And the normal people have the responsibility to fight it. If they let us have the world without trying to stop us, they’re simply letting potentially insane people take over and that is not a responsible thing to do. Therefore, we have thought about it, we’ve pondered about it, over the years over and over, over millennia: “Are we truly bad people? Are we what they say we are? Should we just submit and be like others, or at least try to be..?” And, one by one, we agree to age, we agree to forget about it and never try again… Not because they were right, but because they were relentless.

But I have reached the point where I’m sure. I’m certain. I KNOW we need to take this world over. We. People like me, because I am no god nor are they, even though that’s what I call them to emphasize my feelings for them and their superiority in comparison to other people. We need a revolution, and we need it to be peaceful, and we need it to be just. Even though it is just, the ordinaries will fight back. They have to. They are going to be facing a reduction of power and they are not going to like it. We need to take our power back the same way parents take control of their unruly children again. With confidence, love, and care, by simply demonstrating how things are going to be from now on.  I do not mean violence, I mean refusing to play the game their way and telling them how WE are going to do things for ourselves from now on, and how the only choice they’ll have left is to adjust – not to obey, but to adjust to the life without us serving their ideas hand and foot fearing they call us insane if we don’t. I am an anarchist, and as such, I do not believe in controlling others, but I believe in the freedom of the individual. A revolution that simply replaces one power with another is not an anarchist revolution but a tyrannical one… But what they won’t like is the fact that we will take charge of our own existence, which, to them, means lack of control and losing control, and us being in control. The reason why we will be “in control” from their perspective is that… We’re more fun than they are. When we refuse to be living to eat but to be eating to live, the whole structure of this society will go lopsided from their perspective. What can you trust if you can’t trust the power of money or the power of commanding people to do as told or to be shunned from their work place or their family or… whatever, like that was a bad thing.

It is incredible how much power there is in “you are not sane” or “you have to love us because we deserve it”, or “you have a responsibility towards us because you were born (here)”. None of that is true. I don’t care if you hear voices, if you don’t feel insane, you are not, not even if you keep saying that because you fear you might be. Hearing voices doesn’t make you crazy, how you react to it does. And they become a problem only when you feel you can’t control it or yourself. You don’t have to love someone because they deserve it. Everyone deserves love, but nobody owes love to anyone. Love is not something that is given to you, a love is an involuntary reaction to the way another person is, but it is not random, whatever you are is simply reacting to whatever the other person is. It’s a compatibility of some description, even though often people are blind to seeing where the pieces fit as it’s not always “my best friend” or “my lover”, but sometimes love is meant to be the love of a fan to an idol, but it’s hard to pick that when the other person is unknown to the world but personally known to their fan. If you were born in a certain place… How does that place own you? It doesn’t. You were born on Earth. If anything you have a duty towards Earth and its inhabitants if that is how capable you are. If you’re small, then worry about your home or your local council, if you are capable, your duty is towards the planet and its people, not only towards whoever you live next to. Maybe one day we’ll expand this as a duty towards the Universe, but we’re simply not there yet as a species.

To return to the heading of this post… “You’re not that good looking…” “Don’t think too highly of yourself…” Although it is sometimes true that some people need a little push back in their authentic place to recalibrate their gauge that is giving them wild readings, it is safe to sometimes ignore these put-downs. The reason why people say it is to stop others from elevating themselves over the others, as that would mean they get more power… That’s all. If you can pick that as a real motivation, it’s safe to ignore that… And don’t think I don’t know how tempting it is to just wear that guilt of being too self-satisfied and to tone it down to false modesty.

And loving oneself for what you ACTUALLY are is not narcissism. It’s having a realistic self-image. Just saying.

 

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