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Sebastyne

A rock fan. A thinker. A psychic empath and a channel, a Tarot reader. A polyandrist; The lover of men, kings, and gods. An eternal romance analyzer.  A romantic pervert. Generation X Rebel. A psycho-spiritual life coach.

The Annoying Half of My Voices Are Currently Detached – interesting

This may provoke them to come back but I'll try

I have four types of spirit entities around me: My friends and family from real life who I actually appreciate (normally very quiet, but I feel their presence), my friends and family with whom I’ve got stuff to work through or HAD stuff to work though (the loudest, the most annoying bunch), a group of unknown spirits who are trying to train me into becoming an online sensation by faking my emotions, pushing me into this fake positive mood that you all know well, avoiding negativity and anything too serious, and then finally, the group I call “the party”, while the rest of them are the party crashers. (My friends might be welcome but) the party consists solely on men, both famous and not, and a few female celebrities, and they are my inspiration, the positive force, the loving force, the inspiring force and, the male half, the very sexual deep passionate force.

Even though my friends and family with whom I have no issues are people who I have no issues with, I don’t necessarily see them as a part of my future in a very meaningful way, I mean we‘d still get along without drama, but I don’t see them enjoying the lifestyle I’m aiming to achieve, nor do I need them to, they are who they are and they have their own lives to lead, and I never wish to change anyone into something they are not.

So I’ve been trying hard to push out everyone who doesn’t fit into that lifestyle, including the emotion fakers, who are exactly what these people are bored sick of. They first got interested me because I was one of the rare real things they’d seen in a long fucking while, and it’s such an enjoyment to connect to people on a true emotional space, including the “negative” emotions, that the fakers are trying to pretend do not exist. Nobody’s life is always exciting and energetic, and it’s not supposed to be. We are not robots, we go through motions, it’s like saying your body should only ever experience hot temperatures or only cold temperatures, and call that “a healthy sensory system”. Feelings are sensations, they react to whatever is happening in your life, if it feels bad it is bad, if it feels good it is good, and the emotion in itself may be “negative” but if you enjoy feeling it, it is a positive thing… And everyone enjoys an authentic feeling… To some extent, if they are brave enough to feel it fully. We avoid feeling certain feelings, because… Enjoying them would seem nonsensical, for instance, someone punches you in the face, and even though normally, you’d think the pain should be making you angry, you may feel pleasure of having annoyed someone to the extent that they needed to cause you such pain, so the pain turns pleasurable instead of angering… A relatively bad example but still.

Now, as the over-positive people have been artificially lifting my moods, I’ve had trouble explaining to the other annoying half that I REALLY need them to go. I’ve had to combat the feeling of constant fake euphoria with a constant state of fuming anger just to bring the message home. Not that I wasn’t angry, it’s just that I needed to over-emphasis to combat the feeling of NOT BEING ABLE TO really reach the full feeling of where I was coming from without going way over the top of what I’d normally say or do.

But… The thing that kept me in this state was my fued with my mom and my best friend, who are not friends to each other… To my knowledge. My mom has learned to appreciate her over the years as they think alike, but… I have learned to hate them both equally because they think alike. They are both control freaks and one of them is proud of that… What they thought was that I wanted them to suffer for me. They measure love by “how much you suffer for someone” not by how much you are WILLING to suffer when things go really really freaking bad, they need to measure the amount of suffering in every life time, and if they can’t find anything else to measure it, they’ll create a scenario that we cannot get out of, thinking that our need to go through any amount of pain for someone else, means that we are willing to suffer FOR THEM. I am not exactly sure how that logic works, but although I’d go through hell for my men, they’d never PUT ME THROUGH Hell just to see me do it for them, nor would I put them through hell just to see how fucking much they love me.

The irony here is that I couldn’t escape this. They were pressing on with all their force, and all I could do is to shout back. It was like commanding a cancer patient for “being brave” because… They are afraid but don’t die, or because they are not afraid of dying, or they’re dying or because they’re “not giving up” or because they finally “gave up”. As in… Whatever they do in a situation they cannot escape, the ONLY reading in their measure is “bravery”, just like in my case, no matter how I reacted to them, the only reading my mom and my so called best friend would read into it is: “She loves us so much she wants us to suffer for each other.” The more I tried to hurt them emotionally, the more they felt I wanted them to suffer for them to show me how much they loved me, and vice versa.

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