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Sebastyne

A rock fan. A thinker. A psychic empath and a channel, a Tarot reader. The lover of men, kings, and gods. An eternal romance analyser. A polyandrist. A romantic pervert. (A psycho-spiritual life coach.)

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I am afraid of showing people what I am

Because I fear they'd love me even more than they already do

Not the image I intended to post but saw it and thought... well, kinda fitting.OK, this sounds a bit weird considering I barely have friends at this stage (my spirit guides say it is to teach me not to push people away because I would wind up alone, which is funny because I’ve been pushing them away so they’d leave me alone but they refuse to leave my side in spirit, which is infuriating me to no end). But… As I was reading through my old posts written to a whole different crowd, my True Spirit Mirrors, they pointed out how different I sound, relaxed, witty, fun, unconcerned, and unconstricted. They finally realized that it was THEIR COMPANY that made me feel so constricted and small, but as they backed off from their position, I started reconsidering mine. Is it actually dangerous for me to show them who I am, or would they let me go knowing how I truly am?

So if I kept on enthusing about rock stars and Barbie-dolls and philosophy without caring for one minute if my audience gave a shit about the topic or not, would they get tired of me faster? If I just kept talking their ears off no matter what they thought about it, and argue if they tried to shut me up? If I kept shamelessly dreaming about handsome men and big cock out loud and inhibited, would they finally realize my attentions lied elsewhere? If I stopped every half an hour to take a selfie or two for my Instagram feed and marvel how good I look today compared to everyone else in the picture. 😀 Perhaps breaking into a song at will, but not to have others enjoy it but to enjoy my own voice, of course. 😀 (What do I care about the opinion of a bunch of people who couldn’t hold a tune to save their lives, therefore, I sing for myself. :D)

Of course, I know better than to do that, if I still want those people to have an inkling of a respect for me left. My own self-admiration is a bit of an issue, but only because I genuinely do not admire a whole lot of people around me, quite authentically. That doesn’t mean I don’t admire ANYONE, or that I don’t see the good in people because what I really WANT TO SEE is the good in people, their good points, whatever they are, but… FRANKLY, people… There’s not a whole lot to find in a whole lot of people, no matter how hard you look for it, and that is soul-destroying. I promise you I can see every last bit of good in ANYONE in this world, and yet… They fall so woefully short of things to get excited about.

I guess that makes me a narcissist in some way, but at the same time, I cannot stop being who I am, and one thing that narcissists do is to try and make others into what they want out of them rather than release them to seek for company that would please them more. In that sense, I am not a narcissist, I don’t DEMAND attention, love, or respect from people who don’t feel it for me, but I do INSIST on the opportunity to seek like-minded company as my fucking birth right, as I see it to be the right of ANYONE in this world to seek for people who’d love them for who they are instead of what they’re forced to pretend to be.

The people who I want to see around me, are people who I want to admire authentically for who they are. Not for their successes, because success is very much a draw of luck and a question of circumstance, but I want to look around and see nothing but people who I don’t have to blind myself from seeing the lack or the “just not there” parts of them. That is the biggest frustration in people, you like them for who they are, but you also see the things that are not there, the empty slots that will never be filled; artistic talent, creativity in general, intelligence, philosophical mind, physical beauty, appreciation of physical beauty, understanding of beauty in general, certain virtues, and so forth and so forth, and in their stead, there is simply a huge inability to understand why these things matter. So it is not so much about what they are, but what they are not and will never be…

To be fair, initially, when I started writing this post, I thought about whether or not it would be possible for me to show love more openly to those people who I appreciate, which, quite honestly, is all people everywhere, as there is something good in everyone as I mentioned. I see it, but I don’t really express it that often because I fear they’d take it the wrong way and think that I REALLY want to be friends with them, and ONLY them. I fear possessive people, therefore I hide myself and try to make people think I’m not that special so they can just forget I was ever there. But what if I changed my tact, and started treating everyone with a more open and cheery manner? So they’d KNOW I am the kind of person who sees good in everyone and is ready to help anyone at all… Because I am. I just don’t want people to know it. I like my time alone, and I don’t want the phone ringing all the time – or maybe I would. Maybe it would feel good to even be able to say “Not now, I’m with X and Y, but talk to you later.” I’m always alone, so whenever someone calls me, there’s no “not now” to be served.

I must say though, I’ve charmed the pants off people at this place I need to go to every two weeks for bureaucratic reasons. I’ve never been quite so charming as I am with those people, and I’m rather surprised about myself. You should see the smiles on their faces when I walk in. 😀 However, I already fear that they’re seeing me as too much of a friend, but then again, I should probably make more of them so I can pick and choose. Ewh. How much do I hate an extrovert…? 😀 I hate extroverts, now I’m considering becoming one and I have an ego-shattering experience here and I don’t like it. I thought I had a good strategy of choosing the few people I want to hang out with carefully, but maybe that gives me less choice than what I need. I don’t have to turn shallow even if I am an extrovert, even though that’s what their go-mode tends to be. I suppose we turn introverted when we realize WE don’t like everybody at all times, and start thinking that perhaps the others don’t like me, either… Then, being constantly shushed when one tries to express oneself honestly clearly puts one in the introvert mode, or to be “quieted to death” as we phrase it in Finnish, an expression that means that if you talk nonsense in other people’s perspective, they simply don’t respond to you, but “quiet you to death”, hoping eventually you’ll get the message and shut the f*** up. The utter dismay at some of the stuff I talk about is quite telling of how my immediate surroundings appreciate the real me… Talking mainly about my mother. 😀

But, perhaps one could be offensively extroverted. Just be annoying if the company present doesn’t get the message otherwise. At least now I could go back home and have people notice “I’ve changed”. (Anyone wondering how I can talk about this on a public blog? As if they’d have the time for my thoughts!) I could have turned into an annoying extrovert over my time in the old Oz. They might not think that’s too “out of the blue” even though to me it might feel that way. I suppose what extroverts do when they find out they can’t shut you up about some topic, they’ll find ANYONE with a shared interest just to save their own ears from your babble.  But what if you can’t stop talking when you really need to connect with someone, and you stay in this moronic modality with them, too? Because can you ever truly be yourself in a company in which you feel a little… out of place, even if that’s your own family?

Because I don’t know if being loving and embracing is who I am at all times, I do love to chat with a complete stranger because they’re not going to be clinging onto you to dear life without a warning at least, especially if they’re in a professional capacity at the time and cannot “make their moves” on you, so you’ve got all the power in that relationship… However, when it’s your family or old crowd, can you express love to people who you already feel resentment towards for whatever reason raked up over the years…

I don’t know. Gotta ponder about this a while longer. There should be the golden middle in there somewhere, too.

 

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I said

Funny that; take a random male dog in, and expect to have a good, prosperous relationship. Take in a random man in and expect a disaster.

Sebastyne

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