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A rock fan. A thinker. A psychic empath and a channel, a Tarot reader. The lover of men, kings, and gods. An eternal romance analyser. A polyandrist. A romantic pervert. (A psycho-spiritual life coach.)


I am, primarily, (just) a rock fan.

Everything else that I am, is an addon package

For some reason, today started with the concept of ‘labels’. When I was 13 or 14, I fell into the predicament of having to change alignment from who I thought I was to who I realized I was. I had always been thought of as the quiet girl, the well-behaved one (I got a couple of school recognitions for the best-behaved student in my class for the year, probably on the third and sixth grade, I think) and I was never the one to rebel against my parents or shout profanities in their faces. At 13, I was a Chesney Hawkes fan, if you remember the guy, The One and Only, Man Not a Boy..? He’s… Ehrm… hmm.. A teen girl idol.



He still fit into my old image, not too rock, you know, nothing threatening about him, right? Okay, so I cover my bedroom walls with pictures of him for a year or so, and then This Happens:



A ton more adult, even less rock than Hawkes, but there was no going back. I got the album the next day that I saw this video, the next week the latest, or did I resist for a while? I cannot remember, but then, for a moment, bewildered, I listen to the heavy riffs on near every other track but this one. “What did I just buy?!” I wondered, but regardless, I got sucked in bad.

A while on… I realized this needed an identity change. I didn’t feel real anymore in my old clothes or with my old friends. I wasn’t who I always had thought I was, but I understood that making a quick change like that would seem inauthentic, so I debated myself for a while and decided not to label myself too strictly, but would just accept I liked rock, and not only rock, but heavy rock, or funk metal of all things. I had to go from this:


Not very rock n' roll yet

To this

Sebastyne - a bit more rock now.

within about a year without anyone batting an eyelid.

The change felt super slow then, now I feel like it had to have taken longer than a year, but I also remember starting Upper Secondary school with the relief of knowing that only a fist full of people knew me from my life before, so the rest of them wouldn’t feel weird if I would simply start rocking it up a little more than I did before. I got famous for that hat, let me tell ya. 😀 I wore it nearly every day to school until it wore off. What a fashion statement. 😀 (And no, no copying went into that, it was my own thing that one, I just thought… Well cool. It was from a Pohjanmaa’s males suit, whatever do you call it, “a national costume”. These days, I wear a stylized version of that belt sometimes either around my neck of my wrist. Speaking of Pohjanmaa, check out this guy. He’s AWESOME.)

I changed to match the people who I felt connected to. I had these same guys call to me psychically, I remember spending a weekend in a freaking haze at 13, this was Hawkes time still, I think, if not, before him, but I felt like two bands were calling for me; Hanoi Rocks and Skid Row, at a deafening roar. I was in Helsinki, where Hanoi is from, that weekend, and it felt like this was a “you belong with us!” sort of a call… It was mesmerizing. I cannot say if I knew then that it was Hanoi Rocks who was calling to me, but I recognize their energy now and who it was. I saw visions of a life that I had no knowledge of, and I think this was directly from either Mike or Andy, don’t know which. Later, Andy married a woman who looks eerily similar to me.

It’s funny with these guys, rock stars, lacking a better expression, I feel completely at home with them. I don’t need to fake, don’t need to tense up, I’m just chilled around any guy who is even remotely with that energy. The ones other women get giddy about, they feel nervous and jittery, I just find them chilled, still exciting, don’t get me wrong, but in a different way. The closer to that they get, the more comfortable I get, and still, I somehow manage to make my way out of there, it’s more a timing thing if anything I guess. I put in a huge plan for myself without realizing, and even though I’ve done dips into my real world, I’ve been extracted from it, because if I intend to do what I set out to do, I need to stay with the wrong people for a while longer. I need to know what is it about them that sucks us all into the wrong course in life. And I don’t want to make it sound any more fanciful than what it is, but I simply got fed up, that’s all, it’s all it is. I’m not on a mission from God or anything, it’s just that I got fed up, and I wanted to put an end to this bullshit once and for all, and that’s why I’m still struggling to get anything… So far behind I think I’m the first… In that Hanoi video, there’s a text that says that. I lolled.. Because Matthew and I. (He’s a freaking rock star, hey?)

The only people who are completely comfortable with who I am are the rock folk. They haven’t got an issue with me. I haven’t got an issue with them. There’s a few deep bonds I share with “spiritual men”, who have nothing but issues with them, but they simply haven’t accepted the fact spirituality is a tool, not a goal.

But I wonder… If I was a mother, would I still say the same? Would I be a mother first and then a rock fan? Or would I be a wife first, mother second, rock fan third? Maybe, but I hope not. Not to mean I would let my kid slide, but if my kid wanted me to change for them, to be less of a rock fan because they’re ashamed, would I do it? Would I appease them and alter who I am so they’d like me more? I hope I wouldn’t let them think that they had any right to ask anyone to change for them, not their mother, not anyone, presumptuously. Hopefully, I’d be able to show them how people are allowed to be different inside a family – that’s the beauty of family, everyone is a bit scatty and weird and different, because you don’t choose your family… But…

A rock fan.

And, finally, a message to one of my Miss Guidea in particular in spirit or reading this, as it may be: If you want me to help you with anything, this is what you need to understand: I am a rock fan, and I am a pervert. Those two things are not going to change for your convenience, and I do not intend to inconvenience myself anymore for your comfort levels. You are not doing me a favor by listening to me, I am doing you a favor by talking. You don’t have to listen to me, and I don’t have to talk. Either you take me for who I am or find someone else who fits your comfort zone better. That’s it. All there is to it. You do not get to squeeze me into a box so that I could liberate you from yours, let alone to force me to help you to fit more into boxes of your choosing. I’ll have no part in that.





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I said

Oh most Aerosmith songs are filthy – yeah, I love a bit of smut on my rock n’ roll!


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