Sebastyne - blog home

Sebastyne

A rock fan. A thinker. A psychic empath and a channel, a Tarot reader. The lover of men, kings, and gods. An eternal romance analyser. A polyandrist. A romantic pervert. (A psycho-spiritual life coach.)

«

I’ve been constantly angry and I am afraid it shows…

The in-spirit conversation is making me very short tempered

I’ve said this a lot lately, and I keep saying it because it is constantly bugging me. I’m virtually isolated from anyone physical at the moment, apart from my Ex-husband Current Best Friend and Flat Mate, E.C.B.F.F. I’m not really angry in person, I’m mostly cheery and up beat, but as soon as I’m alone, the people present in spirit start yapping in my ear at a relentless tone. They’re quieter now, a lot quieter, thank heavens, but I feel the need to explain myself a little.

These are people who I know in the real life, but people who I haven’t spoken to in bloody yonks. Some of them are still my Facebook friends, some read my blog, maybe, but I haven’t actually spoken to a whole lot of them in a long time. Some of the things we discuss are stuff that I feel I need to make them aware of one way or another, so writing about it online seems like a good idea… However… Many of them don’t read English, and I feel changing my habits and write in my native language all of the sudden would seem a little too… obvious. On the other hand, my primary motivation for writing has been to develop my own work so I can explain where all of these ill-feelings between people come from, so I’ve found it more helpful for the rest of humanity if I keep to English – not entirely logical I get that, but then again, I don’t know if any one of them would actually read a word I say, Finnish OR English… But it seems to help when I write it down, I think once I’m fine with MY half of the argument, they’ll… Like once I truly explain my position to them, they stop bugging me. I guess what the idea is is to make ME aware of my own motivations and the conflicts I have with people and the reasons why. I don’t think they can let go of something that has been bugging them until I’m fully conscious of the reasons why.

The irritations get less and less by the day. Today’s topic of annoyance has been my love for the way I look. πŸ˜€ The thing is… I am ashamed of how much I like the way I look, because you’re simply not supposed to be happy with the way you look, like they say you should be, but at the same time, you should accept that “Okay, I’m not the prettiest girl in the room, but I’m fine with that”, right? Well.. Often I am the prettiest girl in the room, and certainly the most striking one, and I fucking know that. There are not a whole lot of women, in their 20’s or in their 40’s who can hold a candle to me… And I don’t have to put in a whole lot of effort to keep it that way, either. I’m so aware of it, and yet, I also know that being too aware of it makes you less attractive, and you’re also supposed to think about it as if it didn’t matter, but it fucking does! I like the way I look, and I hate the day when I will no longer be able to look in the mirror and gasp at what looks back at me, and I’m terrified of that day, much more so than dying.

And still, I do not, for a moment, think I am pretty enough to have men fall at my feet simply because I’m pretty. NOBODY is that beautiful. It’s just that it won’t be my looks that get in the way and I like knowing that whatever I am is truly about my personality, the brain, the smarts, because… The lack of looks won’t get in the way. It doesn’t help, it simply won’t get in the way. People who think beauty is an asset, also should know that A LOT OF PEOPLE AVOID YOU because of it, really handsome guys primarily, because nobody hates to think they’re a sucker for beauty more than handsome men do, because they don’t want that stigma of being shallow on themselves. For a more average looking guy, beauty is a challenge, to a real handsome guy, it’s a trap.

People also sometimes think, especially online, that you’re a fake account. πŸ˜€ I have sometimes considered using a fake photo of an ordinary looking woman to get over that hurdle of trying to prove to people I’ve got a brain despite the looks. People don’t think a lightning strikes twice in the same spot, and that beauty and brain can exist in one body… But… According to my own little observations, not speaking about myself, either… Beauty and brains do enjoy residing in the same body, very much, and very often.

So… The anger… Every little annoyance, self-confidence issue, every balance difficulty, all of that will be a place for my miss guides, as I call them, to attack me at. Although I know that it is actually a really helpful thing, it’s really freaking annoying, and their attitude is annoying, and their logic is annoying. Them being women. Only a very few men have said anything half negative, and when confronted, they back off easier, and they’ll quickly change their minds about you, but women.. .They simply go back and look for another weakness to attack you on. THEIR motivation is hardly to cultivate me towards an even higher level of perfection, lol, but their motivation is to find that one weakness that will drop me down on their level. They’re not going to find it, I know that, because it’s not there, I know that much, but in all this time, they haven’t noticed that my dislike of them is not about my pride but their inconceivably hefty ego.

You know, I can fully accept the idea that there are people in this world who do not like me. What I might have issues dealing with is the idea that there are people who do, especially now, that I really don’t have friends, by choice, I wanted to erase all friendships at this stage for a few reasons I’m not going to go into now, but one being that I felt I didn’t have time for friendships as I was working on this thing of Β mine, and I felt all distraction would drive me bonkers. As I said, I know people don’t like me. Maybe I should change that idea, but then again, I don’t like a whole lot of people myself, and the most annoying feeling in this world is to not like someone who is completely puppy-eyed about you and worships the ground you walk on. Makes things awkward. So even if it is not true, I like to believe people don’t like me, because I don’t like them… Apart from the people I worship, who I like too much to be healthy I fear… Becuase they cut such a stark contrast to the bland and drab mass of nothingness that is average humanity.

And would you believe that I still want to make everyone happy? πŸ˜€ I still like humanity as a whole, and I do want each and every individual to be happy and fulfilled and overjoyed about life… But I just don’t want them to take that joy out of me… As the Guns n’ Roses song goes: “You can have anything you want but you better not take it from me”… Welcome to the Jungle is the song, kids. I want to help everyone to find their bliss… But from a fucking ivory tower let me tell ya! And when I say that, I hate myself in some way. I hate feeling obligated to be fine about hanging out with the great unwashed lacking a better expression, but at the same time, all I want to do is to never see another average human being for as long as I live after getting out of here. I hate mediocrity so much, and at the same time I feel like it’s not their fault, and then I know they do thrive for mediocrity these people because they don’t want to stand out. They hide what they are rather than let people know, not because they feel they’d offend others being too shiny, but because they’re ashamed that they are different… Should they have a redeeming quality like intelligence or beauty to them. Some people get fat for no other reason but to not be too beautiful to be made friends with. “Be less so people will love you.” Fuck their love is worth a pile of shit… The love of a person who wants you to Not Be Your Best is worth absolutely freaking nothing to me.

They fear “one’s best”. As if it was unpleasant or painful to be your best… And fuck of course it is, but even the thought of truly fitting in while… Uh. I had this friend once who was like… Not the brightest star in the sky in any area of life… With a striking resemblance to Gollum when… Not done up… And we were… Very good friends. I admit, men admired me for even hanging out with her because beautiful girls usually don’t hang out with Gollum-likes… But you know what worked for me? There was never feuds over a guy, you can bet your sweet ass on that one. I don’t like female friends because there’s always going to be a guy we both like, and I hate the “oh you go first” or deciding for the guy who he’s going to fuck, right? “No, you can’t talk to him on Facebook” what the fuck?! So yeah, the next time I make friends with a good looking girl, she’ll be at the top of her game. Anyway, this girl… I started to feel guilty about my power over men. When she caught someone’s attention, I made sure never to look him in the eye… Because if I did, even by an accident… That was it. Then, I’d spend the rest of the evening trying to come up with explanations as to why she never gets a guy… After weaseling my way out of his hands, of course.

So, as I was avoiding her guy’s eyes and avoided talking to her girl friends so I wouldn’t accidentally steal her friends from her, I got a reputation of being “proud” and “self-centered” and “too good for others”. And hell, in some ways, why not. It’s not like I regret not making friends with her friends, but I would have liked being friendly with them, you know? It would be nice to be able to be friendly to people without them going crazy over it.

Even my own fucking mom is threatened by me, she thinks I’m laughing at her in every twist and turn. Why? I don’t know, because I’m better than her? And I fucking am. Effortlessly so. I called her a field hog the other day, in an email. Fuck it felt good. So what it looks like is that I’ve got like two women in my close soul bonding, my mother and this Gollum character. Both are in a fierce competition with me, winning big in areas of life that I don’t want to touch with a six foot pole; cooking, baking, cleaning, gardening, child-minding. I’m like, hell, you two do that, if you want to be the best-damned baker in this county, be my fucking guest, I will not get my hands dirty to show you what I can do. And just between us… I am not a bad cook, nor am I a bad baker, it’s just that I can’t be bothered with the simple stuff. When I make something, I freaking ace it, lol. Well. Unless it’s in the oven, it doesn’t matter, and I’m writing. In that case, all bets are off, but whenever I kill food, it’s because I’m not really focused on it. If I want to… I’m not bad at it… I’m not bad at that, either. So how this has played out in our previous life times… They think they can hold a candle to me in these areas of life, and it’s simply because I’m not fucking trying. So here they are… Can you FUCKING believe this… These two wankesses, my mother and my best fucking friend, dare to think that I’m avoiding taking them on in this competiton because they think I know AT THIS they are better than I am? Jesus christ. They’re competing in the area that EVERY FUCKING WOMAN KNOWS HOW TO DO. The only women who do not, are the ones who think it’s too menial to bother with. To whom, it is beneath of to go there. Yes, even minding kids. Fuck, that especially.

You know how a lady handles her children? She treats them with kindness and respect, at all times, with a good humor and gentleness, and she will never hear a temper tantrum out of her children. Easy fucking peasy. It is mind-boggling to see women struggle with the basic concept of treating a child like a person. To them, everything is a fucking power struggle. To a real woman, children are people from day one, not something you need to tame and harness like wild boars. And yes. I know. I haven’t got any, what do I fucking know… I know this much: I feel for the kids who are screaming in trams, buses, and trains… I feel for the children who are being yelled at for no other reason but their mother being a fucking idiot who doesn’t know how unkindly she’s been treating the kids the whole time and thus making the kids a little fucking fed up… And how women don’t understand that kids get tired too… They need gentleness, not a fucking rod.

And yes… When you know how to treat children, you don’t feel like it’s such an earth-shattering skill that you need to brag about it from here to the end of the world, let alone managing to pop one in. (Getting one out is really just a matter of… well, your options are limited. Once it’s in, it must come out, right? Like surviving cancer. Either you do, or you don’t. Options are really fucking limited there, too. If you cry, they call you brave, if you don’t, they call you brave… As if you had an option to walk away from it, right? Ah, but some people do. Guess what they call those people? Brave.)

So… To not try and claim victory in a life area where I haven’t got any intention to participate, I’ll also say you can’t claim victory against someone who hasn’t been in the competition. If I’d given up, yeah, but I haven’t even started. Simply 0 interest. If I had known before that it’s a fucking competition to these people, then fuck, count me in and I’ll cream you bitches, but I wasn’t informed there was a competition going on until now that I’m so far away I can’t even demonstrate my skills… Of course, I could learn stuff here by myself and then just “whip something up” but they’d know I’ve been practicing. I kinda like the fact I’ve got several recipes of my own… And that, I fucking count as one point against 0 for each one that I have. (Yeah well, they’re not rocket science, but still… My own, against those cookbook wankresses.) I’ve actually got a pretty good palette, I know what things will taste like together before I stick them in together. And I’m also quite good at “whipping something up” but I do keep all of this to myself normally and hope nobody I know believes me, because then… People start thinking they should ask you to cook for them. Like those mint meat balls in lemon mint yogurt sauce thing I do… My own recipe the yogurt sauce, mint balls an adaptation from Yanni’s mom’s recipe of all people, FHCBFFM keeps asking me to make them and I’m like DUUUDE, you don’t pay me enough!

So the irritation comes from these nagging conversations I keep having… And the collective female’s insistence that there is something wrong with me if I don’t want female friends. And I don’t MIND having girl friends, just that… I don’t want to tip toe around them all the time. If I like a guy I want to have a crack at the guy, right? And I don’t mind my girl friends coming on to my men, either, because if she can take them away from me, I’d be glad to know. I am absolutely not after fake love nor fake friends. And I don’t count loyalty for anything, either, loyalty is for people who are about to treat you like crap, they know it, but blame you for leaving them when they DO treat you like crap. I don’t need people to be loyal to me, I like to be civil towards those people who I still love and respect, and if I fail to do that, they SHOULD find new friends… And there’s yet another irritation of mine with these friends of mine in spirit… They think I’m testing their loyalty by barking at them. I have absolutely exhausted my skills of being a bitch at them – verbally – and they’re still here. And I DO NOT count that as a positive but as an absolute negative. How can you respect a woman who allows herself to be spoken to in that way? Haven’t they got the least amount of self-respect? This is the kind of situation where I go: “I wouldn’t want to be a member of a club that accepts me as a member.” I’ve treated them horribly, they’ve lost all my respect, and still, they think I should be thankful for their loyalty and impressed by their tenacity..! Why would I want to associate with women who have 0 self-respect? Then they’d think they can treat me the same way, because they withstood all my abuse, right? Hell no. I’d kill them for a lot less than what I’ve said to them. This is absolutely not the kind of a friendship I want, but… There they are. Thinking they’ve proven themselves to me. I’ve told them this in so many ways I could possibly think of to say, but I never pointed out that part: If I would accept this as something that I admire about a person, then they’d have the permission to treat me the same way and I should simply withstand it all… But no. No friend should talk to their friend the way I’ve spoken to them, and I’ve spoken to them in that way because they refuse to leave. I asked them, after the first 2 weeks to please leave because I wanted a moment alone with my men… They didn’t. Later, I begged them to leave us alone for a few hours… They left for 5 minutes, before their fear that we’re plotting against them took over and they got back. Fuck. To make the few minutes we had alone about them?! πŸ˜€ Hell no.

So… 4 years 9 months later, they’re still here… In all of this time we’ve had maybe… what… 15 minutes to ourselves? If that? “Not that much” says Steven. “That sounds heavenly. Where did you … Oh in total? When they kind of went quiet for a longer while almost for a day, but we did too to not disturb them… And the stolen seconds in super slow mo – as in on the deepest level of telepathy that is almost inaudible to everyone around you, just two people at a time can do it, THAT we’ve done but as it cuts out all the other guys, we haven’t stayed that way for more than a minute or two at a time – I had it done … while I was present in the room and it was terrifying to not hear her and them and feel completely left out -so it is efficient between two people, but there’s more than two in this group and we haven’t yet learned to keep US all in while blocking everyone else out – if it is even possible… I’m sure it is too, but first, we have to get REALLY tightly knit, and in this environment, that’s never going to happen…” Anton: “What a relief of you to point that out, darling, hah, I said darling, but darling is a good word – darling man, my darling man… I didn’t know why it won’t happen the way she and I used to be able to block everyone else out, but it was just us, and then you two… Perhaps easier to handle, and it was when the women were still respectful… Oh Gollum, what did she do, she came in and flung the doors open and nothing has been the same since. I truly feel the same wrath about her.. And YOU for ever letting her into our circle in the first place, against your better judgment, I know you didn’t do that on purpose but I’m just saying… With a level of humor, that I DO HATE THE DAY when you made friends with her… Maybe a bit much to say but hell… nearly 5 years of constant agony because of her, not cool. Not cool at all, but it is good we’ve gotten to the bottom of this finally, after all these years in exile…”

“She put an end to our rant. ‘Not that kind of a blog’ she says. As if she has ever had an idea of what kind of a blog this should be…”

Me: “I don’t know, these posts turned into channeling sessions tend to be a bit… Wild.”

Steven: “That’s why we love them? Oh a separate post thing again? Oh I like that. We’ll do a few of those and I’ll put my best foot forward to be ME so… yeah true. I guess everyone could mimic me if they had spent as much time obsessing over me as you have… A good point. What can I do. Worthy of the lady I used to be. Now a little worn around the edges. Man this age thing is doing me in”

Me: “Even though it hardly shows.”

Steven: “Now you’re just being kind.”

Me: “I think your soul feels older than what the man on the ground has been informed of, because there’s no sign of that weariness that I feel of you here. And I can’t blame you. Who isn’t tired of this…”

Steven: “Yeah, let’s talk about this elsewhere. Now. I guess they got the idea.”

I guess you did… So… Again, I’ll leave Steven hanging and hope against hope that this is the last time I need to talk to these women… And then this part will be over… By sun rise, which is about an hour away.

 

 



Discussion page

 

Read More (some of these are hidden from the front page):
« «
» »

»

I said

You cannot be a truly powerful woman and have an issue with your sexuality and receiving sexual attention from men. IMPOSSIBLE.

Sebastyne

Sebastyne Personal Logo (green and red variation)