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Sebastyne

A rock fan. A thinker. A psychic empath and a channel, a Tarot reader. The lover of men, kings, and gods. An eternal romance analyser. A polyandrist. A romantic pervert. (A psycho-spiritual life coach.)

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Taking responsibility… Yey. Mom-stuff again

Logically, you’d think that you’ll take responsibility for your own life once you get an income that will sustain you, right? It seems to me that it is not the way it works, but that you have to actually take responsibility for your life BEFORE you’ll make an income, and it’ll be hard to make an income for as long as you don’t feel responsible, or at least responsibly irresponsible.

Now, this may sound like a no-brainer to you, but as I am a reincarnation of a multiple lifetime noble woman, you can bet your sweet ass that taking responsibility for my own finances and life is not exactly my forte. I know a lot of women who are equally capable, equally talented, equally skilled and brilliant in every way but struggle to make the ends meet or to rub two wooden pennies together because they cannot FEEL responsible for themselves out of an old habit of being mollycoddled by everyone around them. They may be a little ahead of me, as they may feel a little more confident in what the are selling, but still. I, for one thing, would be more than in my element as a brothel keeper, but a legit living in peaceful times when I don’t have to wrangle that money out of people’s hands to survive… Now that is an issue.

Anyway. Taking responsibility.

I realized that the only time I have felt my mother wasn’t nervously hovering around me watching my every move was after I married Brett. After we divorced, she was back. This was because someone else was responsible for me, and she didn’t feel like she had to watch my back all the time. I never asked her to back me up in any way, I never wanted her help, my first sentence was: “I want to do it myself”, which in Finnish, is simply expressed as “minä itte”, and it is a sentence that does describe me quite well. I didn’t want anyone doing shit for me, I always wanted to be on my own and do my own thing and not be dependent on anyone.

So why do I feel like shit at the thought of taking responsibility for my (financial) life?

One thing, I can tell, is that it’ll make my guys feel like I don’t need them. Maybe I fear I’ll turn into one of those women who start pushing people away because “you weren’t there when I needed you so you can fuck off now that I don’t!” Some time past, I felt I had to stay poor so T. could “buy my love” as he felt that’s the way he would get me, but that’s a little beside the point.

I always feel I can count on my family to bail me out if I get into financial trouble – which I haven’t or won’t – but I feel like I could if something unexpected would happen. As I do, I still hold one foot in the door to go back to my mother, and that keeps our toxic soul bond alive. She hasn’t got respect for me because I am not responsible for my own life, and I haven’t got respect for her because she doesn’t allow me my own life – responsible or not. I feel like I should be allowed to destroy my life if I see it fit – it’s my life, after all, no matter where it originated from.

To take responsibility… For what? It seems like an odd connection to make when I don’t have a child, don’t have a partner, don’t have a business to speak of nor do I have or want a paid job. I want a business, but there’s hardly anything to take responsibility of at the moment, even though I take my responsibility as a spiritual coach very seriously, and I have nothing but worry about the prospect of misguiding even one person.

It has a funny link to how much I can charge a client. It feels like I can’t charge a person if I am not responsible for myself, or if I do, it should be a fraction of what I’d charge if I was actually responsible for my own self. There’s your gender pay cap right there. The responsibility always falls on the guy, even if the couple is divorced and she has to chase every cent he’s paying in alimony, it’s still HIS responsibility so SHE doesn’t need to be paid as much, right? And a woman who isn’t married is under the care of her family, isn’t she?

As I write this, my mother already seems relieved. She feels that at least she was onto something (again), which is true, she has got an instinct, I just wish she didn’t use it on me… But… She has. Responsibility is such a… Boring thing. I always wanted to go through life with the breeze of it, to just go where it takes me, but it isn’t taking me anywhere, really. I’m stuck with a heavy feeling of fear of my mother. So. Responsibility. That means I have to make a plan of some sort and stick to it. This is actually not an easy concept for me to grasp. I can tell you the multitude of nuances in a sexual octogram of a polyamorous grouping with relative ease, but this… Not so easy.

I’ve told my mother that she’s no longer responsible for me, to back off, and so forth, but I haven’t really taken the responsibility on myself, either. “No responsibility is needed here” is my idea, more or less, “life takes you wherever you need it to”, you know? But no opportunities come my way, NONE at all because my mother feels responsible. There’s a bit of law of attraction blockage material for you.

What is the responsibility even about… “I’ll make sure I won’t have to sleep under the stars, ever?” Like yeah, whatever, as if it was a huge shame to sleep a year or two on the streets. I’m more ashamed I’ve never had the courage to be that irresponsible as to live on the street than I am ashamed of never having been responsible enough to make a decent money. I’ve never been able to let go of control completely and to TRUST the wind to take me as I wanted to – because of my mother or because I’m a coward, I am not exactly sure. I am not sure if I want to be responsible for myself, and I am not sure if I want my men to feel responsible for me, either, but I am absolutely 100% sure I don’t want my mother to feel responsible, let alone some weirdo friends I’ve got surrounding me from day in and day out looking like a bunch of nurses and doctors trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. (That’s my Miss Guides I speak of.)

The Miss Guides, having mentioned them, have been saying that they feel that I need to take to travel so they know I’ve come to the end of this chapter. I’ve never been interested in traveling, but they might be onto something after all… I’ve been toying with this crazy idea of dropping a bit of package and starting on a couch-surfing trip to who knows where… Or a naughtier version of the same by hooking up with guys on AFF for a week or two at a time in LA somewhere, but both sound a tad too risky as I’d still need some form of income to sustain it for as long as needed – not trusting my luck completely. I must say the idea is an alluring one, but it again screams the “it’ll take too long” which is the trouble of all of my plans as I sit here vegetating.

Can I take responsibility of my irresponsibility in a way that it translates to my mother? Because that I can do. I just wish I had done it sooner if it works (in the long run)… And I have never held her responsible for my life, or my actions, the only thing I ever needed her to do is to talk to me, to actually have a conversation with me, which she has never done, (well, we had ONE real talk once after I screamed at her for two weeks straight, after which she was relieved to actually talk) that’s the only thing I’ve ever needed her for, but my anger about that, I believe, translates to my mother as a feeling that she hasn’t been responsible enough and that she’s not caring for me enough, so she’s trying to do more and be more and be even more suffocating than before, but that’s never been my issue with her, quite the opposite, I needed/wanted a mother with as little influence on me as possible, and as allowing and non-restrictive as she’s been, she’s been WAY too hands-on for my liking. Imagine being a kid who wanted to move to Gongo to live with the apes having a mother who still, at my 41, cannot let go of her sense of responsibility. I never wanted to be anything but free to realize my dreams, and I’ve never felt anything but chained down and restricted. (Again, reflect on your own life problems and who might be misinterpreting your dreams for your fears.)

I’ve been sitting on this post over night, and I do feel a sense of a release here. My resolves rarely survive the night. Two steps forward one step back pace, but still. “At least we have understood each other finally,” says my mom “and that’s something. Huge, in fact, as we never seem to understand each other no matter how hard we try.” This is the first time in spirit or in person that I’ve felt understood by my mother, apart from the time when she got me Jonathan Livingston Seagull to read – she urged me to tell you this story as it is hilarious (“now that I come to think of it, I always thought it was awful but NOW I get what she meant, and it wasn’t just to push me into the shit again, but an actual, real problem… OMG, there must be a lot of these..!” Says my mom, laughing shocked).  So my mom got me Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach to read. I read it in one sitting, tears in my eyes thinking how wonderful my mother has finally understood me. In the story, a seagull named Jonathan is ignoring his family trade of fishing, because HE wants to learn to fly like a true master. He flies, he practices, he practices some more, to become an amazing aviation master, only to grab a few fishes to feed his hunger at the end of the day, a true artist, a true philosopher, a true visionary, a spiritual master – he reaches enlightenment in the end and all… So I go to my mom, excited, “So you understand me! Why I have to follow my dreams and how I know none of this makes sense, but…” My mom interrupts me: “How can you possibly interpret this THAT WAY! It was about the value of HARD WORK…! You need to get a job and be more responsible!” I’m like… “Wow. For a minute there I thought my mother understood me, but it turns out I was mistaken.” (So yes. Hard work is required if you want to make the impossible possible. That’s what the book was about, if Jonathan Livingston had been a sensible seagull, he would have simply been fishing behind the boats on the sea like the rest of the seagulls, but he was a dreamer, that seagull, and he was going against his own family to join with other seagulls who simply wanted to fly…)

Responsibly irresponsible. Liberate yourself by liberating your parents and family from the responsibility of your actions. Be irresponsible if you need to, but be so under your own responsibility. I know you already believe that you are, but if you are held back by some unseen force, this is one place to look for an answer…

I would have told you sooner if I had known.

 

 

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I said

“People don’t need to know both sides to everything to understand things” is the most fantastic thing I’ve heard in my life. Just topped “you’re childish wanting to choose your own friends!”

Sebastyne

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