There is a persistent idea, that celebrities are almost systematically narcissistic. Ironically, this belief, I believe, comes from… Ehrm, narcissists. Let me back up a bit.
Firstly, trying to define what a narcissist actually is is hard enough, as the accusation of narcissism is often responded to with an accusation of narcissism, and backed up by a narcissist deflecting the accusation.
My best description of a narcissist is as follows:
- A person who uses any means necessary to manipulate a relationship into being (admire me and date/befriend me) and then attempts to force it to be life-long and co-dependent (fear me/pity me/help me (be better than others)).
- A person who would, upon accusing another person of narcissism, use that accusation as a reason why the assumed narcissist is obligated to continue the relationship with them. (A healthy person would never wish to remain in a relationship with a person they accuse of being a narcissist.)
A narcissist will always attempt to prove they are ideal, whatever their perceived ideal is
It is a false idea, that a narcissist will always wish to present themselves as a celebrity, talent, or some type of superior person. It depends on the group’s ideal what they will thrive to be seen as. If they are in a group of philosophers, they’ll attempt to pass for the number one most philosophical individual in the group. If they are with a bunch of habitual alcoholics, they will attempt to remind everyone how they have more reason than anyone else to complain and drink. When dealing with celebrities, the narcissist is more than likely the one who declares themselves too modest, too down to Earth, and too good for chasing such shallow pursuits as money and fame.
If you manage to CHANGE their idea of what is ideal, they will attempt to prove they match the description perfectly. If the public ideal changes, the narcissist will change along with it.
A narcissist is or thinks they are an inherently boring person
The main problem a narcissist feels is that they are thoroughly boring. The truth is that people often feel that they are the opposite of what they truly wish to be; a person who wants to be thought to be a brave person thinks they’re a coward, a person who wishes to be truly smart thinks they’re stupid, and a beautiful person will think of themselves ugly, because if you want to be a certain thing more than anything else, nothing seems to be enough in that regard to ANYONE, this is not a narcissistic trait.
It’s just that a narcissist thinks they’re boring because they want people to think of them as being interesting and engaging. Therefore, they turn out to be boring, as they INVENT interesting stories about themselves, and people get bored with the same end result; no matter how interesting they may seem, eventually, you will find out that the exciting trait about them turns out to be a lie, and that’s ultimately, thoroughly boring. They also never seem to think that the truth is interesting enough, so even though many of them are truly beautiful, talented, interesting people, to a narcissist, that is never enough and must be accompanied by idiotic lies and stories that eventually null their entire personality to nothing at all.
Celebrities, however, are often the opposite. TRUE celebrities are TRULY interesting to people. Some celebrities consciously try to play themselves down so that people would stop digging and thinking their lives to be SO interesting they are going through their trash just to find one more clue as to who they are as people.
The end game of a narcissist is to secure a life-long bond with another person
A narcissist truly doesn’t feel they are enough to convince anyone to stay with them for life. They fear abandonment and being alone. They do everything in their power to convince others to stay with them, but they truly believe they are too boring to be with. They see “being interesting” as the duty of someone who people want to be with, which is part of the deal, for sure, but not the whole thing.1
This starts by trying to make themselves seem admirable, ideal, and able to provide opportunities in life in both financial, romantic, and sexual. “Whatever you need, I can provide, you don’t really need anyone else. Focus your efforts on me.”
Then, they will gradually start reminding you exactly how dependent you are on their love and support, and how you can’t truly cope with the world without them. The more successful they are in this pursuit, the more strategies they employ to keep you hooked.
Very importantly to celebrities, a narcissist will attempt to hold something over your head: “If you leave me, I will reveal this to the media. If you come back, I will make it all go away. I can make it all go away.”
Narcissists like to control celebrities because having that link on your resume will get you anywhere even if the relationship with you fails.
To calm their own fears of abandonment, they will tell themselves in any way possible, that they know how to do relationships. They “win” relationships. They can CONTROL other people in their relationships, and outsider’s perspectives to those relationships.
To be a celebrity is a vulnerable position, but tempting to a narcissist
An A-list celebrity must take a lot of criticism and rejection during their career. They must take it from critics, fans, colleagues, friends, family, everyone, truly. As such, a narcissist is much more likely found among the critics than in the position of the celebrity. They are more likely the manager or agent than the celebrity. In such a position, they will be able to control the person, and that’s what a narcissist wants.
A narcissist is much more likely the celebrity’s spouse than the celebrity themselves, especially a long-term spouse of a celebrity, I may point out rather cynically. The admiration is easier to get, and the narcissist enjoys the position where they control the celebrity’s emotions and life. When a celebrity is also seen as the more likely cheater or likely to divorce, the narcissist is always able to blame them for all troubles in the marriage, hailing themselves a hero for putting up with their own position as your spouse.
A narcissistic flair-up
There are people who are USED TO being the most interesting person in the room. They BELIEVE it is THEIR JOB to be, too. They are often made into celebrities and don’t TRULY have narcissistic personality disorder. It’s just that when a person like that is put in the same room with a ton of OTHER very interesting people, and if they happen to genuinely ADMIRE some of them, a person like this will easily experience what I call a narcissistic flair-up. Suddenly they feel they are NOT being interesting enough, not talented enough, they are not truly doing their job that well, and they may start to unravel a little. But this is not a NARCISSIST we’re talking about, at least, not yet.
Everybody may have one or two people who makes them question their own status, and one might argue that a part of being a popularity contest winner, being a little narcissistic and competitive in being interesting, entertaining, and engaging is kind of a necessary trait… So is being a celebrity or a narcissist truly just a question of being good at being awesome and desperately wanting to be but failing?
The narcissist will target the weak link, the low-hanging fruit, and unbelievably, to many, this is a celebrity
The narcissist will look for whatever target they can to form a life-long permanent relationship with them through manipulation and force. They are not truly very fussy about who they’ll wind up with, and they don’t REALLY care whether they wind up with a celebrity or a habitual street drunk, as long as they’re with someone they can control.
Different narcissists know the buttons to press with different people. While some know drug dependency is a great way to control another person and keep them with you, others know how easy it is to manipulate a good person into their servant by DEMANDING they PROVE to you they’re a good person. Others rely on playing on the fear of exposure or public shaming, but whatever the angle, it is designed for the person they’re targeting.
If you don’t love me, you must be a psychopath
People tend to have conflicting emotions and ideas about themselves. While a narcissist rarely feels they are quite enough for ALL people to admire, they feel the desperate need to ensure THAT PARTICULAR PERSON, their permanent attachment MUST keep admiring them at all times. They feel that “this person is so far beneath me that they MUST LOVE ME”. They want to ensure that there is at least one person who they can truly count on to love them, and there is TWO ways to obtain this love:
- To convince another person they are beneath them.
- To acquire a person who has got the wish to be THE MOST LOVING person people know.
The narcissist will always play on these two points. “You are not above me, you’re NOT TOO GOOD to love me forever” and “if you don’t love me, you are not a good person. If you don’t love me, you are faulty and can’t love ANYBODY for reals!”
The final play: I am so pathetic you MUST forgive me!
The narcissist tends to try and convince how YOU are faulty in ways that should stop you from wanting to end the relationship with them. If you have actually managed to convince them that they are WORTHY OF BEING DUMPED due to how horrible person they are, they will pull out their final trump card: “But I was abused as a child”, “you can’t leave me/blame me because X”, “I am this way because *insert horror story here*”. They deflect the blame from themselves and try to make it seem that they had no control over the way they turned out and they’ll need you to extend yet another extra level of compassion and pity toward them.
These stories may or may not be real. They may have SOME relation to the truth but are more than likely exaggerated as much as is needed for a good effect.
A normal person can tell you harrowing life stories and not attempt to obligate you to prove to them that they can still trust humanity. They stand on their own two feet and deal with their own issues rather than dump them on you.
You tell me… Where do you see the majority of narcissists in your life?
To be with someone for life, one of the most important traits is to be able to be calming and reassuring to another person. To be able to uplift a person during their times of trouble, to be able to listen, and to take part in another person’s fears and sorrows. Being interesting is for entertainers, but is only a small fraction of what makes for a permanent life partner. ↩
