When dealing with a troublesome narcissist, learn to remove their options from them.

A narcissist (a troublesome the Survivalist*) is horrible at making choices. They will always want you to make choices for them, and any IF is going to always lead to the worst of the options.

You need to know that the Survivalist* will treat an “if” the same way as an “or”. What follows is either an option or a threat. “If you do it this way, this will happen.” This means the same as “if your hair color is blue, your husband will leave you.” There is no option to change the hair color. No, the sentence must be: “Change your hair color.” IF YOU choose to add “…or I will leave you.” You better bet that’s what you had to choose – leave them. (What a horrible reason to leave somebody, but you get the idea.) They will not obey if you suggest they have an option not to.

Remove yourself as an option when rejecting the Survivalist*.

A Survivalist* is always looking for the highest grade “guardian” for themselves they can find. Their mind works like that of a child’s, and what you think they’re feeling is not what they’re feeling. They are looking at people with the intent to suck all knowledge out of them, which is fair enough, and then replace them… Which is not quite as fair.

That said, we’re rarely worried about being replaced, but the reason why the Survivalist* gets obsessed with a person who is kind to them is that it’s basically their option to become you: Once mom or dad dies, they’ll be the heir, no? This applies EVEN IF that person is your age and supposedly your spouse. (Once the King dies, the Queen takes the throne, as long as she kills the offspring first or at least makes sure that the crown prince operates under her command.)

Reasons = options, openings, and insecurity.

When you reject the Survivalist*, do not give them reasons. That suggests that there is a possibility for them to change your mind. If there are reasons, they can be argued against. Another argument can be made. When a normal person wants to give the other closure, a narcissist sees the opposite: a clear opening – he/she still cares enough to explain, and if they care enough to explain, there’s a way back in.

And whatever you do, don’t ask them for permission to leave – that you’ll never get unless you’re very good at negotiating one, like from a child. Still, the chances are that if they are unhappy with the outcome of that negotiation down the line, “I know you found me a (new) husband, but I am not quite happy with him,” they’ll come back looking for an improved deal. (“I know you got me married, but now, I see your circles include higher-status men. I believe you should hook me up with one of those instead.”)

A Survivalist*’s ambition is not always logical. If you’re younger or the same age as them, and they want what you have badly enough, murder is always an option. But first, they have to gain a position. Don’t give them a position.

When instructing the Survivalist*, remove options.

In general, when instructing the Survivalist* or the masses, remove options. It will sound blunt, but as much as you are able, remove all ifs and ors from your sentences. Having said that, you can also increase the number of ifs, ors, maybes, and all insecurity words, to confuse the Survivalist* so they have no idea what you mean. Using complex, long sentences with lots of jargon will hopefully turn them off your content or at least irritate them enough to flag themselves out of the crowd when they complain about having too many options.

IF you go down the path of removing ANY options from troublesome the Survivalist*, remove ALL OF THEM. THIS IS THE WAY THINGS GO, and if that doesn’t suit you, you’re out. And, you follow through with the out. You don’t question, you don’t waver, you don’t give temporary bans – it’s one mistake, and you’re out, no matter who you are or what you do after. This gives the Survivalist* a clear message that the leader knows what they’re doing and is ready to keep everyone in line.

Make your rules so clear and easy to follow that there is NO OTHER REASON to break them than narcissism. You have no other option as a reasonable human being than to follow those rules as a matter of course. When someone breaks the rules, you know they’re a cunt (lol¹) and you can ban them on the spot.

When cutting contact with a narcissist, remember to give them no room to fight it.

You cannot redefine a relationship with a narcissist in a way that they have to accept a lesser role UNLESS their role is filled by someone OBVIOUSLY better than them. Even then, if you still somehow give them a “hint” that they might be within a chance to get back to that higher position, they’ll try to.

The simplest way to handle breakups with the Survivalist* is to simply cut contact and never look back. Remove yourself and your life as an option. Sadly, you may also fight to keep your children from seeing that person and I would suggest you don’t mince your words with the people who decide on the matter if you have to. That said, you can easily sound callous if you do, so rather than focus on how MEAN your ex is, focus on their incompetence.

Express concern and compassion, not anger. Offer proof. Remember that the judge may well be a narcissist, too, but err on the side of concern, not blame or anger. Point out their negative effect on the children, their grades, and prospects of getting ahead in the world. Don’t emphasis your love for your children, to a narcissist that’s a given, and to say that you love them is kind of like an excuse “but I do love them, I do…” that no narcissist will believe. Focus on your ability to provide a more prosperous future, whichever way you can demonstrate that.

You will also have to cut off everyone loyal to the narcissist… Or become the leader.

This is the difficult part. If you need to get rid of a narcissist, you also have to get rid of all their loyalists. This may mean your whole family. And the fact is, that if you’re the only person aware of the narcissistic influence in your family, you will feel alone in it. So cutting contact is going to be the only way to feel at peace again, if nobody is willing to go behind the narcissists’ back even.

The reason why this is so important is that they’ll always use another loved one to get you to comply. They believe this to be a favor to you: remove your options so you don’t need to fret that nobody’s got your back.

Your other option is to take the helm and start micromanaging weak-willed adults’ lives like they were your adopted children. Your call.

You’ll meet another.

After you get rid of one narcissist, there’ll be another. Once the narcissists start to vanish, you need to start worrying about getting old, unfit, or irrelevant. Narcissists** do not covet a position that is no longer there. Either they have to BELIEVE that the position is no longer available and they’re wasting their time, or, they will have to believe you are in no position at all worth much drama. For as long as you have a position available, every narcissist that you encounter will try and get it.

The less impressive you are, the less you have to worry about narcissists. They don’t bother you. Therefore, take it as a compliment and learn to deal with them.

1. Why do I use these words – I want to remind you that you are reading a blog of a person who is not a licenced therapist but a life coach, which is a very unofficial free-form way of doing things. And, also, I love swearing and refuse to stop. ↩

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