This is a revolution for one. You. If you want it.
Some years ago, I came to think about something. I realized that when people are telling me that I am selfish, what they usually mean is that I refuse to sacrifice myself for them. What they effectively were saying is that I refuse to enable THEIR selfishness. “They” seem to think that in a relationship, one person gets to be selfish, and that person had better be the better manipulator. The one who manages to seem to be at a greater disadvantage is the person who gets to be selfish.
The role for the other one(s) is the enabler.
I figured… That’s bullshit. That’s utter effin’ bullshit. You do your thing, I do mine, and if you can’t hack your thing, well… Fucking learn. You’re a grown-up, deal. If you can’t deal, find some other sucker to smooch off of.
Abuse is not a thing a talented and skilled person needs to get into
I don’t need to abuse another person to get what I want. And I certainly don’t need YOU to abuse ME so YOU get what you want. This is what I mean by moral selfishness: I get what I want without abusing you. And you better get what you want without abusing me. That’s all.
If you feel you can’t achieve what you want without abusing me, that is not MY problem to deal with. That is for you to solve. And I certainly won’t be helping you to abuse me so you could get what you want, while I go without what I could easily achieve without you… Being stuck helping you to abuse me.
And I am man enough to accept when I am the one who is failing to reach my own goals. I have no need to pin my failures on somebody else because I am not weak.
Change yourself. Nothing else. Just yourself.
I realized that I don’t need to talk anyone else into giving me what I want. Freedom, that was, for me, but it applies to everything. That’s not what this is about.
This is not a master class in manipulation. This is a master class in fine-tuning your moral compass toward fairness after having erred on the side of self-sacrifice.
These resources I’ve created for you are going to be fairly useless for those who are used to manipulating others into doing their bidding for them, but if you are used to feeling short-changed and talked into NOT doing what you wish in life for someone else’s peace of mind… You might want to stick around. And mind you, this STILL doesn’t mean that once you’re done, YOU get to be the selfish one. No. After you’re good, you are free to carry your own load – but only YOUR genuine load. That does include parts of the loads of people whose happiness is genuinely your happiness.
You can take full advantage of my theories whether anyone else plays along with you or not. This is yours.
Just. Like. That.
You just stop pulling other people’s carts.
They don’t have to play along. You have to stop playing along.
You start with what is important to you now
Everything is truly connected to everything. Therefore, it doesn’t matter where you start at. Whatever is of the greatest importance to you, personally, now. Like, maybe… What’s wrong with your stupid sex life? How did you muck up the perfect love relationship you almost had? How do you stop yourself from screwing up your own kids. Screwing up. Not screwing. OMG.
Where I kinda started. I just had it. It was just this overwhelming need to cut the shit. Just… Put an end to the bullshit. Figure out how I could have possibly made such a mess out of my own life while pretty much playing by the rules from day one. It isn’t like I have some harrowing drug addiction tale to share. No. Just being the child of a middle-class family is quite enough to screw up a genius who doesn’t want to upset anyone.
Happiness doesn’t come from self-sacrifice
The biggest lie we’re told is that happiness comes from giving. It doesn’t. Giving comes from happiness. The more happy someone makes you, the more you want to reward them, automatically. You just want them to be just as happy as they make you. If you are happy in your life, you will automatically want to help others toward more happiness. If you have more, you’ll want to give to those who have less. You don’t get more by giving it away, you give it away once you have more.
But obviously, for some, it is quite beneficial to make you think that while they are making you miserable, it’s YOUR FAULT that you’re depressed because you’re not self-sacrificing enough. That’s why you’re miserable, not because you are actually constantly being short-changed. Right? It’s you being selfish. That’s why you’re depressed. You should give more. That should put a smile on your face.
Mothafuckas.
Loving people is not a freaking skill, but being lovable is
The other thing they got you by, is guilting you for not loving everybody. If you fail to feel love toward others, it’s you being damned near a psychopath, isn’t it? YOU have intimacy issues, commitment phobia, you are shallow, or even materialistic if you fail to love whoever wants your love. YOU are the one with an issue if you can’t love a fat abusive cow who keeps telling you that you’re a piece of shit. Because THAT makes fucking sense.
No. Loving people is an involuntary reaction to someone who is freaking… Nice. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do, love… When the object of your adoration has done their part and actually INSPIRES LOVE. Not because they’ve been so miserable their whole lives that they “deserve” a little happiness, but because they actually make other people around them happy. Because THEY are nice to be around. Because seeing them makes you smile, just because…. Heck. They’re awesome. EVERYBODY wants to be with people who they love. EVERYBODY wants to love. Being in love is the best fun we can have in this world. What messes this up is the idea that to feel love is some kind of a skill to be learned.
And if you wish to be loved, you need to learn to be lovable. Not to learn to love the greedy needy selfish unlovable.
The current mortality demands us to be false in our actions.
The way we are now brainwashed into thinking is that you need to kinda fake your feelings all the time. Accept everyone. Like everyone. Understand everyone. Be inclusive toward everyone. Take everyone into account (this is somewhat little a true “should”, but within reason). Be constantly on your toes so heavens forbid, some gender fluid snowflake in California doesn’t get offended because you said something about them in outback Australia. To your personal friends. In a sauna.
Now. Learn this: You don’t have to like everybody, nor does everybody have to like you. One of the biggest enslavers in this world is the idea that everybody has to a) like everybody and b) be liked by everybody. And then it’s just the competition of who gets to complain they’re not being liked enough, and who are the bastards who don’t do enough liking, and who fail to be likable by showing how much they fucking like everybody.
Just fucking hate me if you like, yeah? You can scream your disapproval right in my face until you go hoarse and I still won’t like you any more than I do now. Tough titties. The power of not giving a fuck.
Stop living to the expectations of people you don’t even like
Another crazy thing we do in life is to try and avoid criticism from people we don’t even like. We try and live up to the expectations and needs and rules by those who we have no need to impress. We don’t want be their friends, and yet, we go out of our way to be how they wish we were.
More giving. More self-sacrificing. Always more selfless. Less slutty. They even tell us who we can and cannot like. Like her, because she is fatter. Don’t like her because she’s too pretty to be liked.
Fucking cows.
Stop assuming we’re all alike
Or that parents and their children are alike. They’re not. Necessarily.
We all have SOME similarities to each other, for certain. You pick any random individual off the street, and you’ll find SOMETHING in common with them. Our basic needs are pretty much the same, but oh do we vary on the shades! The way we get to the same place is sometimes chalk and cheese.
What you enjoy, another person detests. What gets them going is something you’d never want for yourself.
Then, you might have a fucked up habit of trying to push people into their happiness through the route that worked for you. By force.
Then you wind up making them miserable.
If you don’t realize what happened, you’ll be sitting there wondering how they can be so fucking ungrateful even though you made sure they’ll have EVERYTHING YOU WANTED?
Stop taking the blame for things that aren’t your fault
Then, you, just to err on the side of caution, contemplate the possibility that whatever obvious shit your friend or significant other did, is somehow your fault. Learn to notice when somebody is unable to face their own shame and guilt and wish you to take the blame for them… Or at least share it with them. They were abusive but it was somehow your fault? If they think you were such an asshole, why don’t they just dump you?
No. No, no, no. Their fault, their shame. From now on, stop taking the blame for shit you’re not guilty of.
Oh, and also notice when people pretend to be a victim, yell “victim shaming” when you try to point out they are, actually, truly, honestly the abuser.
Does she/he deserve you is not the right question
Yeah, whatever. They had a rough life. They’ve been unlucky in love before. Previously, someone cheated on them. They’re disadvantaged because they can’t stop eating. Blah, blah, blah.
Ok, they may have a steady job, they may work hard. They may even do a crap ton of things for you. Even when you’re not asking or even more even though you’ve specifically told them not to do stuff for you. They may have proven themselves to you.
They might have given you money when you needed it. Then they remind you they were there when nobody else was.
I don’t give a fuck.
The RIGHT question is: Do you want them?
Stop giving admiration and reward for meaningless things
So they think they deserve your admiration because… What? They sold enough phone covers to buy themselves a laptop? They worked hard at a job to get a new what not?
You may not realize but the hard-working friends of yours actually take pride in their worldly possessions and think that’s why you’re friends with them because they IMPRESSED YOU with that crap.
Stop being friends with unimpressive people. Those mothafuckas think that because you don’t have anyone else you’d rather hang out with, you’re impressed with what they’ve achieved.
Meh.
Recognize when you are being manipulated
Whatever you do, start making notes on when you’re being manipulated into doing something that is not to your benefit. Notice this pattern: If you do this, who gets the benefit, and who is it removed from? Do you OWE the said deed to this person, or is it just that they are not talented/skilled/wealthy enough to do it themselves?
Is your selflessness the counterpart to their selfishness? Are you enabling selfish behavior?
If you are. Stop.
Sometimes the hardest thing is to stop others from helping you
Ironically, sometimes the hardest thing is not to help yourself but to stop other people from helping you to go to the opposite direction to where you want to go to. It’s like sometimes, you decided to walk all the way to where you want to be, get tired, fall asleep for a moment, and they drive after you to carry you into a car and start speeding you down back to where you came from assuming that’s your home… When that’s the very place you so desperately try to get away from.
Sometimes people try to prove to you that they are helpful to you because they are dependent on your help. Learn to renegotiate the terms of your assistance. Learn to ask people what it is that they so desperately need from you, and don’t accept “love” for an answer if you have none to give them.
Stop allowing people to tell you how you should feel about things or people
There are plenty of situations where people try and tell you that your feelings are wrong about a situation. That you shouldn’t love someone because whatever. That you shouldn’t enjoy something, because well, taboo. That you’re a victim. That because you enjoy something or love something that means you’re a fucking victim.
Oh shock and horror indeed, someone forcing pleasure on you. You poor thing. 😉
One of the biggest hurdles in life is to risk being found out to be the kind of person to enjoy the sick stuff you actually enjoy.
The thing is… We’re all a little fucked up in the head. A little addicted to a specific emotion or a feeling that conflicts between pleasure and pain. That’s the good stuff, but it’s not the same feeling for everybody. What you enjoy, another person detests, and that’s why we’re all so confused. We think that if I hate it, everyone does.
Stop idolizing selfish women
Gentlemen, stop being the idiot who serves the needs of a mean bitch simply because she has a pretty pair of eyes and a pair of nice boobs. And if you think it makes you twice as good of a man if you serve the needs of a mean selfish fat old cow, think again.
Realize that your idea that happiness is feeling proud for being man enough to take it up the tailpipe is a really crappy one.
You realize that if you keep looking for selfish women to serve so you’ll know you’re a good man, you’ve got a problem.
How do these relationships with nice women work again? And aren’t nice women simply boring?
Not after they’ve read my blog they’re not.
If you’re a good woman
If on the other hand, you thrive to be a good woman – not by the virtue of reigning in some guy you imagine has been a bad boy, but trying to be fair, kind, nice… To make a man happy, you’re probably not married (to the man you wanted).
Frankly, if you’re not a selfish cow, (fat or skinny, young or old), men don’t tend to know what they’re supposed to do with you. They are brainwashed to think being fucked over is exciting and a real measure of a man.
Now… The best thing you can do for yourself is probably to start talking about it. Stand up against selfish and abusive women. Wake men up. Toute your own horn for a while, and atone for your self-elevation and self-serving attitudes a little later.
Teach men what you want from them. Until they believe that THEIR WOMAN might be just as nice as you. Until they learn that they too, get to be happy in a relationship, not just proud of their fortitude. That they, too, can have STANDARDS.
You’ll also have to find your MORAL selfishness. The pain that will come with your brand of pleasure. What is the dynamic that your authentic self invites from the man/men/woman/women that go mental over you.
Find the sweet spot between pleasure and pain
What you need to do for yourself, male or female is to find the sweet spot between pleasure and pain. YOUR delicious broth of life. Your favorite spice.
The key is more than likely your romantic life. However, the way you love your romance is not the same way everybody else does. You have to figure out what it is that makes you giddy.
But not only romance and sex, but you also have a professional life pleasure and pain spot. Your hobbies. Your interests. All of it has a pleasure and pain balance. Otherwise, it’s bland and meaningless.
Figure it out.
By the way: What category do you go to when you watch porn online? Figure out why. (And which category do you avoid in the fear you forget to clear your browser history or because you effectively think god is watching? 😉 )
Set an example
And finally. Once you learn to live your life to whatever makes you want to live life forever and forever when you find the sweet spot between pleasure and pain… You’ll automatically set an example. You don’t have to do anything more than reach your own, authentic happiness. That will inspire others to do the same. That’s all you have to do in life.
Be happy. Teach others through what you enjoy. (I actually enjoy what I’m doing so… My excuse. ;)) Do what you love. Let people take notice.
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