How interest and disinterest in developing a certain relationship is interpreted as narcissism.
People are social animals. We are hard-wired to want to make friends and we all have our preferences as to who we want to bond with. However, how we communicate a wish to bond or the wish to move on can create confusion between people who are feeling differently about the situation.
There are people who are SO OFTEN approached for all kinds of relationships, that they are nearly permanently in a state of rejection; the Savants*. Then, there are those people who get chased after so rarely, that they are in a love deficit, and are, therefore nearly permanently in a state of welcoming acceptance: the Normal Person*. “I’ll take anyone.” And, most people are, obviously, fluctuating between these two states depending on the company so often that when you ask them if they’re extroverts or introverts, they can’t answer, as they go between both depending on their company.
The Normal Person* have trouble accepting that their love might be one-sided. The Savants* don’t realize that giving SOME love, let alone UNCONDITIONAL love to the Normal Person* won’t cause them to let go (“yes, thank you, I’ve had enough love now I’m strong enough to go on with my life”) or learn by example (“Oh, you are so nice, I want to be like you”). The Savants* are suckered in with the Normal Person*’s neediness, which isn’t manipulation in the same sense as the Savants* think: the Normal Person* wants to appear weak so that the Savants* would FEEL NEEDED and WELCOME, as the Normal Person* sees them as helpless and incompetent as the Savants* see the Normal Person* as.
Competence.
The Normal Person* measures competence as the ability to act normal, to fit in, and to UNITE with other people. The Savants* measures competence as the ability to take care of oneself and be self-reliant independent. When the Normal Person* is always trying to fit in and make sure everyone approves of them by any means necessary, the Savants* sees this as a weakness and a pathetic way to lead a life. In contrast, the Normal Person* view the Savants*’ individuality and uniqueness as a weakness and INABILITY to fit in with the masses/special group.
The Savants* holds independent values as to what they like about people. They independently decide what they want and go in that direction; they join with people who share their individual values. (Subcultures.) the Normal Person* join subcultures only when they feel that they can’t cope with the demands of the regular people, for instance, when their grades start to drop, and they find themselves incapable of meeting external expectations. An Savant* can be the smartest and most popular kid in the school and STILL turn into a punk-rocking anarchist.
Where the Savants* liberate themselves to be SMARTER and BETTER than the average, the Normal Person* seek refuge from demands beyond them. This creates an interesting combination of the highly intelligent making friends with the Normal Person* with a low IQ, so while the IQ isn’t in the HEART of the Normal Person* – the Savants* divide, it has a significant role.
Unwelcome relationships.
What IS in the heart of the Savants* and the Normal Person* divide is the Savants* CAUTION in bonding with people. The Savants* have already learned a life lesson that the Normal Person* haven’t learned yet: How DAMAGING unwelcome love can be in a person’s life.
the Normal Person* do not understand the CONCEPT of unwelcome love. The Normal Person* would do ANYTHING to find love, from ANYWHERE, and they can act very unpredictably in their seeking of love and approval, as they have no idea how to get it. Even the Normal Person* who THINK they are loved, admired, and secure very often are not. The Savants* have no such illusions, and they are FINE with it. They KNOW when they are among friends and when they are not, but they don’t think that a non-friend automatically means an enemy or “a hostile.”
Because the Savants* do not treat non-friends as hostile entities, the Normal Person* think they are now among friends and, thus, safe and secure. While they are NOT IN DANGER doesn’t mean they are, from a Savants* perspective, “sheltering” rather than “at home.” A Normal Person* thinks they are very much at home. The Savants* are much more sensitive to the difference between “a home” and “a shelter” and “my people” and “current company.” This creates tension between the two groups.
the Savants* narcissism (from the Normal Person* perspective).
the Normal Person* feel the Savants*’s narcissism is elitism, thinking the Savants* are “more important” than others, how their values should matter more than the groups’. They criticize the Savants* for putting their individual needs ahead of the needs of the many – or their assigned loved ones.
The Savants* doesn’t even realize they are ignoring the Normal Person*’s needs because they don’t have similar feelings toward the group as the Normal Person* do. They have an interest in the common good – but it is usually either national or global, rather than family or local community-driven.
the Normal Person* feel a duty to the community they were born in, particularly their own family; therefore, when a Savants* ventures out into the world to chase their dreams, the Normal Person* left behind are screaming: “You fucking narcissist.”
If they TRUST the Savants*, they lovingly lament: “They went into the world to make a success of themselves, so they can return home as our hero and bring us prosperity.” They’d be terrified if the Savants* turns out to not truly hold any emotional bond to their family and birth community, as they rarely do.
the Normal Person* narcissism (from the Savants* perspective).
the Savants* criticize the Normal Person* for ignoring people’s personal needs and expecting people to sacrifice their dreams for the good of the community. They do not see the point of holding onto each child like the town they were born in owned them, because to them, you don’t know where world-level talent is born at, and also, you don’t know if that person is happy in the community they were born into.
the Savants* want everyone to be happy. The Normal Person* narcissism responds: “But I am giving you a chance to make me/your family/your community happy, that should make YOU happy. What is the problem?!” The Savants* narcissism responds: “My happiness is completely independent of your happiness – I don’t want you to be UNHAPPY, but I also won’t really feel sad if you’re sad. You are not the center of my universe.”
Common scenario.
This difference in thinking often comes out in family dynamics.
the Savants* will rebel against parents who expect them to follow in the family’s footsteps, such as taking over a family business they feel no interest in as an industry. A Normal Person* family would then ASSUME the Savants* is suffering from self-confidence issues. To help the Savants* to realize she or he is perfectly capable and accepted, they attempt to FORCE the Savants* into taking their place in the family hierarchy. The message they try to send is: “you know you can do it if you just apply yourself,” but the Savants* may genuinely have no interest in “applying themselves” in this area of life, as they often don’t feel it is challenging or (globally) important enough. They feel their skills are better spent elsewhere, or simply that they’d find happiness doing something else. “Give the job to my little brother/sister, the company will survive, and if the company goes under, what harm is it if nobody wanted to work in the company in the first place?”
I’m using a company as an example, but it can be ANYTHING a family is about, even if that family’s image is not very well defined at all.
An Savant* feels offended that their unique abilities and worth are not respected, as they endeavor to respect the skills and strengths of other people.
Ideal community
An ideal community functions among VOLUNTEERS who WANT TO be a part of the whole. Each individual will volunteer their service TO A GIVEN PURSUIT (like making this company a success or building this town for the better, making this family stronger.) Then, the group will take each individual’s unique skills into account, and they will be assigned a role that suits them.
This is what is missing from the Normal Person* mentality. The Normal Person* automatically assumes everyone has already volunteered because they were born here. This is the HUGE difference between the Normal Person* and the Savants*. The Normal Person* are SO KEEN on functioning in a community that they don’t a) suspect anyone would decline an offer like that and b) that their participation isn’t always welcome.
Business
the Savants* APPLY for a position or a role in a community, and it is possible that specifically defined roles in a company, for instance, were created to stop the Normal Person* from exercising this “I want in; therefore, you need to give me a job” mentality. “No, we are specifically looking for someone to handle this…” “I can learn.” “Fuck. Do you have a degree? It took a genius ten years…” “No, but you can teach me?”
the Normal Person* often have unrealistic expectations on how much and what they can learn, hence degrees, even though now the Savants* fight against the idea that degrees are necessary. The Normal Person* use those degrees to get into a company while being only nominally qualified. So what used to be a deterrent for the Normal Person*’ obnoxious need to be accepted wherever they want to volunteer is now turned into a ticket to where they are not welcome.
OBVIOUSLY, I am a Savants* and find the Normal Person* infuriating.
Politeness confuses the Normal Person*.
the Normal Person* need clear answers: “Do you love me?” is a yes or no question to the Normal Person*, and if you answer in any other way than “yes” or “no” to the Normal Person*, it means “so much I am afraid to say it.”
“Are there any job openings?” must be met as: “Not for (the likes of) you” if you expect the Normal Person* to stop trying. Leave them to ponder what “the likes of you” mean exactly. (Maybe save this until you know this person isn’t taking a hint and maybe say: “We’ve looked into YOUR BACKGROUND and decided you are never going to fit into our company,” and make it sound like you’re talking to a turd. The only way to deter the Normal Person*, and then they go safe face and say “you’re racist” or “hate women” or whatever they decide to pin it on. If your reputation is more important to you than the feelings of this person, be even more forthright: “Frankly, your IQ is about 30 points too low to work here.”
Also, if you want to reject someone romantically, be frank. “You know I prefer women with huge tits and blond hair” is going to make a brunette the Normal Person* think: “OK, so how do you think I should compensate…?” To a Savants*, such a phrase is quite blunt enough, “no,” but to the Normal Person*, it just means “you’re not ideal, but…”
Surprisingly, the Normal Person* take BLUNT rejection MUCH BETTER than the Savants* do, but the Savants* will still think, “oh wow, they were rude…” and move on easier with a healthy level of indignation at such bluntness.
This is an introduction to a complex duality.
the Savants* could also be called “perpetual runners”, but they are not. Once they find their True Emotion Mirror or their Precious Soulmate (or someone who they wished was such), they will feel horrified how they suddenly start feeling “the Normal Person*” -feelings. As we go deeper into these ideas, I will introduce more and more complex parts of the theory that, frankly, still confuse me, too.
Much of the Normal Person* and the Savants* -counterparts are simply interpretations of bonding and rejection, unrequited love, and karmic bonds, but I’ll get into that a little later.
This website is for the Savants*.
This website is written for the Savants*, but if the Normal Person* find it interesting, they’re welcome to read.
By reading the blog the Normal Person* might learn to become more giving, caring, and less selfish and oppressive. Their tyrannical nature and need to control others will hopefully be reduced. They’ll learn to give more, take less, and read longer sentences.
the Savants* will hopefully learn to use the Normal Person* repellents and be less sensitive to the Normal Person* guilt trips.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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