Narcissistic abuse in the Normal Person*and the Savants* dynamics.
For the Normal Person* and a Savants* to have wound up in a relationship together, the Normal Person* must have chased the Savants* for a relationship. Now, before I continue, I must say that not all narcissistic relationships start the same way, and that True Emotion Mirror relationships can SEEM quite narcissistic at first, and they can also actually BE narcissistic, but this post refers to a specific type of non-True Emotion Mirror bind, typically called a karmic soulmate relationship, in my theory set I call it an antagonist spirit mirror connection – but there are several subtypes to them. Nonetheless, this is a relationship based on miscommunication, and not so much opposites attract but opposites misread -situation.
The thing is, even healthy the Normal Person* and healthy the Savants* can form a very toxic and fairly narcissistic relationship without there being anything wrong with either to start with. The reason being that they simply talk to each other from such opposite ends that they don’t hear what either one is actually saying, but they assume a lot of meaning to each other’s words. The good news for the Savants* is that they KNOW they are not in love but feel obligated to try and fall in love with this person; the bad news for the Normal Person* is that if they don’t learn to recognize their habit of pressuring others into expressing love toward them, they’ll never find true love. Unfortunately, there is not much good news for the Normal Person*people who are in love with a Savants* to share at this stage.
The attraction.
The Savants* have high expectations from life, their relationships, other people, and themselves. They want to achieve personal perfection, work hard toward it, and feel extremely frustrated if they cannot reach their own goals, relationship goals included. There’s nothing wrong with that, per se, but they’ll have to add another task to the list: To recognize any the Normal Person*people virtually on sight and avoid the crap out of them before the Normal Person* form a one-sided bond, which will happen in about 3 dates and instantly when they have sex with someone.
The Normal Person*people have modest expectations from life, and they always feel relaxed around people who are chill and don’t try too hard. Ironically, the Savants* have a very chill disposition because they ARE NATURALLY high achieving, and therefore life’s basic expectations don’t stress them out the same way they stress out the Normal Person*. Therefore, the Normal Person* think the Savants* are more relaxed and easy-going than the average person, and they feel drawn to that “chill,”… Which is very much an illusion when it comes to the Savants* from the Normal Person*perspective. It’s just that the Savants* know how not to spend any extra energy to reach their goals, and they will NEVER waste energy on useless stuff like cooking or cleaning or making sure everything that isn’t vital is in tip-top shape. Therefore, the Normal Person* think the Savants* are “relaxed.” They couldn’t be more wrong.
The Normal Person*then thinks that all the effort the Savants* puts toward their heightened goals is because of an external expectation rather than reality. The Normal Person*thinks they can help the Savants* see all their effort is wasted and not important, that they can just put away their workload and simply relax – they will be loved regardless.
This is literally the last thing a Savants* wants to hear. It is the biggest insult to them, and they will be alone enough to drive them into a rage; all that they are is “wasted”? “Meaningless”? “Pointless,” and obviously NOT the reason the Normal Person* loves them. The Savants* feels utterly UNLOVED when the Normal Person*tries to convince them of the opposite. And again, the Savants* will ask; so “if the only thing they want is a person they can love unconditionally, even if they’re a lazy drunk on a sofa, WHY THE FUCK do they want me for?!” They want you, because they think they CAN SAVE YOU from your hard working. They think they can be that one person that does not expect you to keep giving your best to everything.
The attraction from the Savants*’s perspective is the EASE of it; the Normal Person*does all the work, and while the Normal Person*is chasing them, they can focus on their work and their goals, and, besides, they feel that the people they authentically want are so busy with THEIR goals, that they feel they’d better give them the space to fulfill those goals; as they respect their effort. They may also feel that usual “out of their league” feeling, and to a Savants*, chasing a relationship with another the Savants* is always a little tricky business, so they’ll easily give in and get what’s easy for them; the Normal Person*lover. After all, all they need to do with this person is to figure out what’s lovable about them and hopefully, it’ll be enough.
But it never is. Not even when this relationship doesn’t escalate into violence.
the Savants*’s bad habit is to pretend to be in love.
The Savants* very much want to be in love, but many of them is still trying to convince themselves that they CAN fall in love with the person who they can have when they can’t have the one they want. They can go to extremes trying to convince themselves that they’ve finally fallen in love. They can rationalize it to the endth degree until they finally learn it is absolutely pointless. An Savant* who has learned this will remain single for their entire life if they must, rather than try and beat a dead horse, so to speak. All of us the Savants* should support each other in this goal: Don’t beat a dead horse. It will never run. A chicken will never turn into an eagle, no matter how much you feed it or teach it to hunt.
The Savants* will often also give themselves time to fall in love by trying to remain in a lack-luster relationship hoping they’d find that thing to love about that person… But eventually, will give up and move on. They may ALSO resort to the last straw: try and get pregnant with their the Normal Person*lover so that having a child together would finally ignite the passionate love toward their partner – but even that will prove to be a bust.
What the Savants* don’t realize is that it’s probably best if they’d join Mensa and date Mensa-members only. As I say that – I have not yet taken my test, and I dread it like nothing else, so, do as I say, not as I do. 😉 the Normal Person* should not join Mensa, even if they’re smart; they don’t want to over-achieve, and they’d rather HIDE their high IQ than live in its service. Don’t take it the wrong way, but the Normal Person* love being stupid and being loved despite their stupidity… Even if their stupidity was pretense.
Love me “for who I am” means very different things to the Savants* and dog-type.
The dog-type, however, wants to find a nice external framework for their relationship so that they can look perfect on the outside while remaining rubbish on the inside. They want to pretend to be successful enough so people will leave them alone but be lazy and loved within the confinements of their home. They also want to put on weight and have permission to lose their looks inside a relationship so they know their partner loves them for who they are, not what they do or look like.
Obviously, the Normal Person* idea of “who they are” is very different from the Savants*’s definition of “who they are.” The Normal Person*defines themselves as the partner of, the friend of, the mother/father of… The Savants* defines them through “what they enjoy doing and being.” Therefore, the Normal Person*wants to be loved for being someone’s partner, not for what they do, look like, etc. The Savants* wants to be loved for the effort they put in, not for the relationship they are in.
How do they get into a bind leading to either a breakup or abuse?
While the Savants* make abusive partners, the Normal Person*makes abusive parents. If the Normal Person*feels that their partner’s expectations for their children’s performance are higher than what is comfortable (and intelligent and talented the Savants* expectations usually are), they will keep barking orders to their children – both the Savants* and the Normal Person*, which is another topic entirely. As partners, however, the Savants* can turn abusive, and the reason is that they want their the Normal Person* to turn from a chicken into an eagle, or at least a falcon or leave. Measure up or get out. “If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen” would be the message.
the Normal Person*, however, value a relationship bond like nothing else. Here this gets a little complicated. The Normal Person* are deathly afraid of other people. They are suspicious of everyone they don’t know, and they are SO RELIEVED to find nice people that they will latch on to everyone who they feel they can either trust or control; and to use them as an alliance against the rest of the world that they are terrified of. The Savants* are not afraid of people, so their need to bond with others has nothing to do with their need to find alliances. However, the Savants* interpret them from their own mindset, and if the Savants* seems unwilling to commit, they think the Savants* is “afraid to trust” which means they will approach the situation from the mindset that the Savants* thinks this is too good to be true, and is afraid to trust that it will last, when in truth, the Savants* is less than impressed, they are afraid of committing because if they are this unimpressed from the start, wait until they both start getting old, fat, and ugly, how are their feelings going to last, then, huh? They can’t say this to the dog-type, because it’s INSULTING. The Savants* would never want to actually say to the Normal Person*that they find him or her unattractive, uninspiring, lacking, and not up to their standards, because that would be soul-crushing for them to hear. So, they try finding excuses, that the Normal Person*thinks means that the Savants* is simply afraid to trust the Normal Person* won’t leave them, so they double down on their seriousness, which then fortifies the Savants* impulse to pretend they’re in it for reals, too, because they don’t want to hurt the Normal Person* feelings.
The Savants* will start looking for ways out.
The Savants* will start looking for ways out of the relationship when they realize that the Normal Person*will not ever be what they wished for. The baby thing didn’t work; the Savants* don’t rush having a baby to make the relationship stick; they have a baby to FEEL SOMETHING. When it doesn’t work, they start panicking. Now, they have to get out.
From the Savants* logic; if you show yourself to be a very bad parent, the other parent will kick you out. (Eventually, this will work.)
If they didn’t have children, they have a few other options, too, that parents can utilize, too: Cheating, drinking, spending too much money, acting irresponsibly, being messy, not being there, being lazy, argumentative, forgetful, and difficult to “program.” To a Savants* partner, all of this would be a deal breaker, and a clear sign this person doesn’t WANT TO BE in this relationship; after all, they’re putting in NO EFFORT. The idea here is to force their partner to fall out of love with them. With another the Savants*, this will work. With the dog-type, it will only create a stronger bond, and here’s why:
The Normal Person*will interpret this behavior as “pathetic flirtation” as in the demonstration that their partner wants UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. “Love me harder, love me more, heal me with your love” rather than “please just fall the fuck out of love with me so I can go.”
Tips for the Savants* males
the Normal Person* women want their men to make all the decisions, to be safe, secure, and in charge. They want financial stability, clear instructions, and life-long commitment… But they want a life-long commitment to their health and well-being, not to love, romance, or sexuality.
The following is for situations when you’ve tried to break it off with her but you can’t convince her that they’ve been broken up from, and they cling onto you for dear life so that you’re starting to feel physically violent, wanting to BEAT HER out of your life if words carry no meaning to her.
A Normal Person*woman values safety, security, and her friends’ opinions.
Here’s a tip for the Savants* males; the Normal Person*females value SAFETY AND SECURITY more than anything. Make them feel insecure (in financial danger with you) and unsafe, and you’ve soon got yourself a runner. Ironically, the last resort the Savants* might employ here is physical violence. However, YOU beating them up won’t make them feel in danger as much as you’d think. It makes them think you’re telling them NOT TO LEAVE YOU despite your other failings because if you’ve already presented your negative traits and then start using physical violence, hoping that would drive them out, it won’t. It scares them into staying because THEY THINK you’re afraid of them LEAVING YOU.
Best method: have her family or friends talk her out of your relationship. If you can identify another the Savants* in her group of friends, preferably female, ask her to start lobbying your girlfriend/wife against you. You can simply ask her for help, and she’ll understand. You can also do the same with any the Savants* family member she may have. Just talk to them first, and ask them to put in a bad word for you – and to also start turning her other friends and family members against the idea of marrying you or staying married to you. This shouldn’t take too long, but give it some months to work. Help them see your bad, unreliable traits and red flags that will make her unhappy in the future. You may even ask them to tell her you’ve cheated on her – even if the Normal Person*woman finds out you cheated on her, she won’t care unless her friends or family members find out and care. It must come from her friends and family members that to save face, they need to leave you.
Embarrassing her in front of her friends is also an inexcusable act that you can commit without actually harming her. If you manage to do that, she will start looking for excuses to leave you. What embarrasses the Normal Person* is a husband who doesn’t make an effort to act (age-)appropriately. Show up late to parties with friends, and once you do, show up drunk (like Amber Heard claimed Johnny Depp did when he was actually sorting out his stuff with his lawyers and financial managers during her birthday party. As the Normal Person*female, she’d think anyone would understand why she was angry if her husband turns up 2 hours late drunk to her precious birthday party, totally excusing any violence that might have followed). Leave her very little choice but to leave you in order to save face in front of her friends. Do this often enough so her friends will talk her out of leaving you. (If you like a friend of hers, and you don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of her, find some cute/funny way to do things, something she’d adore but your wife would be embarrassed about.)
If you have an anniversary coming, say you’re planning something romantic and for her to keep the calendar date open – but “forget” to do anything or completely shank it on the day. Removing her opportunities to brag about your romantic anniversary to her friends that she’s already told you’re planning something is going to burn.
Also, you can flaunt your authentic sexuality. Make sure she is aware she cannot fulfill your sexual needs and that you still have an interest in other women, even if you’re not acting on it YET. She won’t worry about you cheating on her; like previously mentioned, she will be worried about you finding someone else who is sexually more compatible with you. As with everything, the Normal Person*woman wants NOT TO do anything for you alone, and that includes sex. She’ll do sex only to impress other people or to prove her capability to conceive, basically, not to keep doing it for pleasure. To the Normal Person*woman, the height of romance is the end of sexual obligations, which, by the way, to a Savants* woman, means the end of the relationship.
If you don’t have a desire for her left, write amateur erotica “as an art form” and publish it online. Shamelessly share links on Facebook with anyone you dare (use lists, make sure your boss is not on it, but her friends are), and ask for feedback as if you were aspiring to become a professional erotica writer. Make sure SHE has to be the one to insist your stories are fictitious. The worse your stories are, the better, but if you’re a good writer, garner female attention as much as you can, and act offended if your wife thinks your writing is disrespectful toward your marriage.
Here’s another fact: The less attractive your the Normal Person*wife is, the less respect she thinks she deserves. This means the uglier your the Normal Person*wife is, the more abuse she will accept because she feels her options are very limited. She will need support of her friends to make the decision to leave you.
Leave without a word.
The less self-respect your wife has, the more certainly you need just to bite the bullet and leave.
In some cases, particularly with that unattractive girlfriend or wife, the only real way is to do a cold-turkey breakup. Don’t bother explaining to the Normal Person* why you’re leaving, they will never understand you but take your explanations as an excuse for your insecurities, your fear you’re not good enough, and that you fear they will leave you, not the other way around. The ONLY THING you can possibly get through to them is this: “You’re not good enough for me. You just don’t have what it takes,” said in a very cold, emotionless voice. Not angry because THAT to the Normal Person*means you still care. The longer you’ve spent convincing them otherwise, the less they’ll believe you, tho, therefore, sometimes the only way out is just to take up and leave.
If you’re married, serve the divorce papers through a lawyer, and include a MASSIVE LIST OF DEMANDS in your divorce filing. UNFAIR demands so that your wife’s attention is drawn to your unrealistic demands and her survival NOT on the fact you’re leaving. You don’t want them to think you’re so down on yourself that you’d be willing to give up everything to get their attention again, drawing their attention to YOUR potential emotional problems and how they can SAVE YOU from your own insecurities. Instruct your lawyer to pretend that these things matter, but give in on whatever they feel they can’t win. Tell your lawyer what you absolutely insist on; shared custody of children, for instance, but instruct them to keep their cards very close to their chest, and agree only to what comes with a counteroffer. Also, always start with a demand for full custody of your children. ALWAYS. This means, to your the Normal Person*wife, that you think she’s an unfit parent, and her focus is sifted to fighting for her parental rights, as is fair, not for continued marriage or finances. This also means, to your potential the Normal Person*children, that you actually care and are willing to fight for them. To your the Savants* children, simply explain why you’re doing this. They’ll get it.
Please note this; your the Normal Person*children will want to know which parent to stay loyal to. It’s best not to try and tear them between one parent or the other. The Normal Person* children should stay with the Normal Person*parent, and the Savants* children are better off with the Savants* parent, but the court system will not necessarily see it that way. However, you can agree to joint guardianship but let your the Normal Person*kids choose a side, and your the Savants* kids continue being both parents’ kids. Don’t worry about maintaining close relations with the Normal Person*kids, unbelievably, they’ll be better off choosing a parent. It is also possible your the Savants* kids will choose you, and you might want to allow that.
If the wife’s lawyer is smart enough to know what you want, they’ll instruct her to split everything down in the middle and give you divorce papers she already signed. All you have to do is to sign it, and you’re out. Start fair, and you’ll fight a lifetime because she thinks you’re not serious about your divorce but want reassurance and attention, forgiveness, and a new chance, not a divorce.
Tips for the Savants* females.
the Savants* women are more likely to try to escape a friendship from the Normal Person*woman rather than a romantic partner. The reason is that modern the Normal Person*people believe females are in charge of everything, and therefore women leaving is generally speaking accepted. However, this is not always the case, and traditionally, the Normal Person*husband can be difficult to escape.
The Normal Person*male thinks he’s responsible for his girlfriend’s or wife’s safety, security, happiness, decisions, virtue, and everything else. His mindset maybe very traditionally religious, which is very, very dangerous for a Savants* woman to be involved with. (the Normal Person* hetero- and bisexual women, at least, will feel very safe and secure in this type of relationship.)
Again, leaving without warning is probably the best way to go about it, and simply inform him later of whatever he needs to know.
When physical violence has played a part.
If he is VERY controlling and especially if he has used physical violence before, things can be a little more complicated. Physical violence is more than possible with the Normal Person*male narcissist who believes it is his duty to secure your feelings as a feeble-minded, insecure female who doesn’t know how to behave so that he won’t leave you. Feign happiness with him, to ease his crip on you. To do this, prattle on about anything meaningless a lot. The weather, how everyone at work is starting to like you because of the instructions he’s giving her, expressing happiness in him instructing you, how much better your life has become with his guidance (once you started following his instructions and stopped acting like a silly feminist), encourage him to pursue higher positions in his career, especially anything that would take him outside town for a weekend. Act like you are so happy with your life right now, that he doesn’t have to stay at home making sure you don’t suicide.
The Cat Thinking women may try and mope around when they don’t get to be authentically themselves. They’ll potentially obey but demonstrate unhappiness about it. This makes the Normal Person*male worried, not angry. They’ll try to make their instructions clearer, and tighten the expectations to give her LESS scary options; because making the wrong choice that might cause a relationship to fail is what scares the Normal Person*woman as the Normal Person*male would be treating you as.
Express happiness about how well he’s guiding you as a woman.
The Savants* woman should try and pretend happiness – and don’t worry, the Normal Person* are not particularly perceptive of deceitful happiness that flatters their ego; quite the opposite, they’ll notice you’re trying, and they’ll be happy about it even if they suspected you’re not 100% there yet. Try and get out of the house with him; like you were trying to flaunt him and your beautiful relationship to others. Try and coach him to do “couples stuff” as much as you can, the Normal Person* love that shit. Dinner dates, garden parties, barbeques, they live for that stuff, where they can demonstrate how happy you are to other people. Go along with all that, as this could save your life.
Ask your husband’s opinion to everything; the less you care about what he chooses the better. This has nothing to do with the actual choice; you’ve already made a choice between two equal options, leave the tie-breaks for him. This makes him feel you rely on him for everything and that your problems are starting to be very minimal. Start expressing your wish to expand your horizons a little bit. Does he think you should start school, take a speaking gig in another town, or do anything to get you out of the house? Of course, these pursuits should be something you want to do for real, you just need to allow him to make the decision you should.
Aim for an overnight stay out of the house.
Then, once you finally get an OK to do an overnight job or spend time with “the girls” overnight, taking the kids to see relatives abroad or something, vanish. You don’t need to go where you said you were going; you do need to get out where he doesn’t know how to find you. You need to know he will be WORRIED about you, genuinely. He won’t understand why you left him, as you were so happy with him, and he will chase you. Therefore, inform the police about your situation, and make sure they know you are hiding from him.
From a safe distance, explain to him why you left him and that the decision is final. As soon as you can, inform him there’s another man who understands you better and who can actually support your TRUE abilities rather than force you into a Laura Ingalls routine (or whatever else your husband wanted from you). Call him a fool for thinking you were happy and a loser for being so gullible. Tell him he should never trust himself with another woman because he’s useless. Beat his ego down as much as you can because now, he’ll be able to do the pathetic loser routine that the Normal Person*women love, and you’ll give him a chance at true happiness while you give yourself your freedom. The Normal Person* males are best when they’re begging, and the Cat Thinking men are best at their best. Then, never repeat your mistakes.
A little more daring option would be to try and find a man who is even more impressive than he is and then ask his opinion about whether you should divorce him and marry the more impressive guy instead. It will break his heart, but he’ll likely say yes.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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