Are you turning away from it because you don’t like how good it makes you feel?

Our ego is our idea of who we are. Whatever we mean when we use the word “I” to describe it. “I am.” The sum of everything that makes up for the word “I,” both positive and negative, true and false. Everybody has an ego; it’s just that the FALSE ego should be removed. Your idea of self should be perfectly truthful.

Now, the FALSE EGO consists of nice things you tell yourself about yourself. Not ALL of your positive statements make up for false ego, but every falsehood you tell yourself is somehow positive. “I pride myself on being humble; therefore, I tell myself I’m ugly and stupid.”

When we encounter something that makes us feel REALLY GOOD, we may shut it down simply because it flies directly against a previously held idea of self, your value systems, beliefs, faith, stuff we COUNT ON to make up our idea of ourselves, others, and the world around you. We all HATE IT when any of those three things sift.

Say you look at a gay scene in a movie, and it makes you feel oddly good. You turn emotionally away before you even have time to think about why it felt good. You may look away, fearing you’re gay, and you may or may not be gay, but the feel-good you may have just felt might have been something like feeling good about their happiness, for instance. You may also fear you fear being gay and your homophobia keeps you from looking at it, but you may actually be afraid that you’re not as self-aware as you pride yourself of being, and you look away fearing you might be a homophobe, NOT that you’d be gay.

Maybe you see people you know arguing, maybe in a full-blown fistfight, feel really good about it, and suddenly shudder, “Oh my god, I cannot condone violence!” The reason why you felt good, though, was that you realized that FINALLY, after ALL THESE YEARS OF oppression, this other guy/girl is finally standing up for themselves, and on a gut level you realize this is justified, good, and brings about a better future for both of them.

Maybe you’re watching a gang bang and feel disgusted about yourself for wanting to do that horrible thing to an innocent woman. If this is your problem, I may be able to assist you in getting to terms with it.

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