Bonding Method: A Normal Person* or a Savants*?

First of all, I must state that EVERYONE is GREAT in the right relationship. If you think you are “good at relationships”, you are not special. Everyone is. It’s just that you will SUCK at relationships with the wrong person, and here’s why:

Two types

A Normal Person* is always something as a reaction to their partner. They don’t have specific likes, dislikes, or needs as individuals. They want a relationship, and then, they’ll adapt to that person, or they’ll make that person adapt to them. I’d be as bold as to suggest their sexual orientation is very much negotiable. They also don’t care whether they submit or dominate, as long as one of the two happens permanently. They want to approach a relationship with a question: “What do you want out of a person?” and instead of seeing the response as a deterrent no matter how far off they are, they answer: “I can do that.” They are difficult to discourage, as they FULLY believe any relationship is just a matter of adapting to the expectations.

An the Savants* is a person who is always trying to equalize a relationship. They go into relationships with a set of needs, hopes, preferences, likes, and dislikes. They are looking for “the right one”, who will get equal pleasure in the relationship. They are hoping to find a “good match” which is a complex thing for them, while, for the Normal Person*, “a good match” simply means basic info: age, gender, location, income level.  They approach a new relationship with: “This is what I’m like, what are you like? Are we right for one another?” They reject the idea that you can just turn into someone else by the other’s needs, or that it is fair to ask someone to do so.

Why does a Savants* seem like the Normal Person* to the Normal Person*

When a Savants* try to make a relationship work with the Normal Person*, they push back when the Normal Person* tries to dominate, but immediately submit after the Normal Person* submits. They won’t allow the Normal Person* to submit, nor will they allow the Normal Person* to dominate. If they err on either side, they submit or leave the relationship.

As the Savants* is trying to establish an equal relationship, they seem to be not able to decide whether they should dom or sub. This makes them seem like the Normal Person* to the Normal Person*. Still, the Savants* have one potential happy mode: Equal. The Normal Person* can be anything their partner wants… Except what a Savants* wants, because they want an established personality, that they call “who this person is”, which, to the Normal Person* is definable only by their relationships. (You are someone’s spouse, mother, child… not a name or set of qualities, values, opinions.)

Nonetheless, with the Savants* refusing to either submit or dominate, but doing a bit of both, the Normal Person* might consider they’re the Normal Person* – but only as a reaction to the Normal Person*.

Abuse from the Normal Person* perspective versus the Savants* perspective

the Savants* like to be a little “off the beaten track”. They are personalities, a little silly, often playful, or what the Normal Person* tend to consider “childish”. The Normal Person*, on the other hand, like to “wrestle”. They like to point out other people’s flaws and be mean to each other. To them, that is playful and fun.

When these two types are together, the Normal Person* HATE IT when the Savants* “act erratically”, as in humorously or playfully, in a manner that is not mean or abusive, but simply “childish”. They think that is “disrespectful”. They try and curb this behavior, and that, to a Savants* is abusive.

In contrast, the Normal Person* tend to like to “pig out” and “wrestle”. This means they are deliberately disrespectful and ill of manners with the people they consider friends. When a Savants* try to correct their behavior, they consider it abusive. This, especially if the Savants* takes as strong a hand at it as they need, effectively being fed up enough to scream in the Normal Person* ear, that they need to stop acting like a pig and act like a civilized person, which, to the Normal Person* is abusive, as they connect “civilized behavior” to strictness and pretentiousness, and, frankly, abuse.

Even if the Normal Person* will outwardly submit to the Savants*’s rules, they cannot stop themselves from making fun of the Savants*’s values, which, again, may ignite the Savants* into a fit of rage. An the Savants* should always end these relationships while they still can and put as much distance between themselves and the Normal Person* as they can.

the Savants* are attractive to the Normal Person* because they have strict likes and dislikes

the Savants* are like catnip to the Normal Person*, because they know what they like and know what they dislike. Unfortunately, the feelings aren’t mutual… AT ALL. Because the Savants* like people who know what they want and know what they don’t like, and who live their own truth and walk their own path, the Normal Person*, in their endless malleability – and contradictorily their endless dominance, are EVERYTHING the Savants* hate.

The Savants* want the freedom to be who they are, and they want to give that freedom to those whom they love. They want to find people who want to travel to the same destination without having to argue over where we’re going. The Normal Person* want to either “do whatever you’re doing”, which, to a Savants* means: “I don’t even exist.” (Literally. A person with no will is non-existent. Air. Nothing.) A Normal Person*, however, wants to prove that they can be anything the Savants* wants them to be, “look here, look, I can be what you want”, which is EXACTLY what the Savants* DOESN’T want because, to them, it’s fake. A counterfeit item.

Still, the Normal Person* find the Savants* tempting in both their unwillingness to change and their unwillingness to co-operate. They see the Savants* as a challenge, and also as some kind of a trophy. The Savants* HATE THAT, but often fall in their inability to find what they are looking for, and accepting the easy answer: the Normal Person* that is willing to twist themselves into a knot for a bit of love.

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