There is a major difference between the Idealists* and the Survivalist* in how they give and receive criticism. When the Survivalist* says you can’t do something, they’re offering their help: “Look, honey, you can’t do your hair.” The sentence should continue: “Let me do your hair for you, honey. No need for you to struggle.” Unfortunately, the Survivalist* tend not to bother with gentle or loving sentences; they assume, without failure, that you know for an absolute, indisputable fact they love you.

When they nag at you to take out the trash, they do mean you need to take out the trash, but the fact that you are a lazy, useless forgetful daydreamer is no barrier to their love for you; they love you anyway. They may even feel joy for having you around to get peeved up about. If you are the Idealists*, imagine being with someone who you love so much that their bad habits are but an amazing reminder of getting to be pissed off by their presence; a privilege. Like, let’s say you’re in a relationship with your biggest suitable-gender idol or crush; the fact they forget to take out YOUR shared trash feels like a nice problem to have, don’t you think? That’s how the Survivalist* feel about their spouses’ forgetfulness “What joy to have a husband to kick around, for he is cherished.” the Idealists* tend to take criticism very differently.

When a Idealists* bluntly critiques someone, it means rejection.

Unfortunately, when the Idealists* critiques you, there is no help offered in that sentence. What they mean is “measure up, fix that, or you are not good enough for me,” or it means “you CANNOT fix that even if you tried, that means you are not good enough for me.” the Idealists*’s critique tends to mean disapproval, lessening of love, and lessening of admiration.

That is why if a Idealists* critiques someone they love, they line it with a lot of praise and approval; “Look, honey, I love you. You are the most important thing in my life. I would never leave you; I adore you. You are the sweetest, nicest thing I know. BUT. There is something I noticed that you could improve on that would make you even more perfect/you still need to take out the trash.” (Although a Idealists* rarely feels the trash is important enough to make a fuss about it, so they’ll likely take it out themselves even if their task list was as long as a year of famine. The Idealists* division of household duties is as follows: “If it bothers me, I’ll fix it. If it bothers you, you’ll fix it. If it bothers you and you cannot fix it, you can politely ask me to do it, and I’ll gladly do it, but ask me with respect; I’ll do the same for you. If it hasn’t bothered either one of us yet, it can stay.”)

Perfectionism.

While the Survivalist* fear perfectionists, they fear it for themselves and others; they may point out “you are not perfect” as in “don’t fear I will expect you to be perfect and keep performing to perfection, you’re not held to that standard; you are not capable, don’t worry…” the Idealists* are not afraid of reaching for perfection and trying to be their best possible self. They love it. But they feel absolutely unloved and discouraged by people who keep pointing out they are not perfect or even capable of getting close. Therefore, the Survivalist* love for the Idealists* feels like discouragement and lacking faith in their abilities. The more the Survivalist* point out “You’re not perfect, no point sweating about it” the more the Idealists* try to reach perfection.

the Idealists* do not feel threatened by high standards; they feel inspired by them, or, at most, challenged by them. Only when they start reaching inhumane levels (“don’t look at women ever, don’t get hardons when you’re looking at a naked pair of boobs”) will the Idealists* start to feel irritated by them. The Survivalist* hate high standards and keep trying to bring expectations and standards lower for themselves and their loved ones, but often wind up doing the opposite with their remarks of “you’re not perfect, quit trying to be superhuman” narrative.

They may even point out imperfections in their children to protect them: “Look, my daughter is bad at maths.” That much, they’d say out loud. What they don’t bother expressing is: “She’s not a goddess. She seems near perfect, but she isn’t perfect. Stop expecting her to perform to the expectation of a superhuman being. Stop bugging her for more; she’s just a human.” For the a Idealists* daughter, given that the parent will not point out WHY they are criticized in front of others, this feels like the biggest humiliation possible; a rejection and denial of love and acceptance by her parent. And a Idealists* teacher will try and help the Daughter to be better at maths, literally against her the Survivalist* parents’ wishes.

the Idealists* accept flaws in others but not laziness to try and do better.

the Idealists* are always trying to be better than they were before; they improve themselves in every way possible. If they could, they’d try to be great at everything, but they accept human limitations by simply focusing on their best assets and a few near-perfect extra areas. They allow others this same human limitation. However, they HATE people who don’t even try… Even, kinda, their lazy children.

Therefore, when a Idealists* child hears constant criticism from their the Survivalist* parent, all they hear is: “I hate you, I am disappointed in you, I am sorry you are my child. I disown you.” In truth, the Survivalist* parent was saying: “You’re trying too hard; you should relax a bit. You’re pretending to be better than others for no reason. I can see you for who you are.” Granted, the Survivalist* parent is happy with about a fraction of what the Idealists* child will be satisfied with themselves.

the Survivalist* love being ordinary and not having expectations piled up on them; the Idealists* find this a cause for morbid depression: “I can’t do anything right. (Near perfectly.) Why even bother living?”

the Survivalist* are always willing to lower the bar, they just worry about what is the generally accepted level of performance, and they are terrified they are not pushing their children enough to reach the lowest acceptable level. This may sometimes mean they push for straight A’s, just to be on the safe side, out of blindness to what is “good enough”… As to them, breathing through the nose and using the spoon right is quite good enough. 😀

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