When you are trying to help someone from ruining their relationship with you (or vice versa)

Have you ever been in a situation where you must remind someone that if they don’t change their ways, they will lose you? There’s a chance, however, that you authentically mean less to them than whatever is keeping them from showing you the respect or love that you require for that relationship to keep going. There is a point when you have to come to terms with the fact you come second to them, whether you come second to their work, their other friends, their boyfriends or girlfriends (depending), another child of theirs, the Internet, videogames, their virtual baby, or perhaps just their own ego.

That doesn’t necessarily reflect poorly on you, but you should be aware of the possibility that you may not be their first thought in the morning. If you keep pushing, you may well become the first wrath they feel.

Now, you must become aware of the fact you may not be the first priority to another person, or you run the risk of missing out on another relationship with someone who WOULD prioritize you if you gave them a chance.

You have to remember this as a fact that you cannot be offended by: Everybody is their own first priority. Everyone loves themselves above all others. There’s no need to be offended by it; it would be a bad situation if that weren’t the truth. None of us would enjoy life if we loved someone else more than we love ourselves. But that can give us a false idea that OTHERS love us as much as we love ourselves, or even more. They don’t, and they won’t. You’re good if they love you *nearly* as much as they love themselves. You’re good, right as rain, but… If you clearly come second to another thing or person or persons in their lives or come in second after a dream of something or someone better, it’s a good thing to acknowledge it.

We can’t choose who or what we love or want, and sometimes you’re in the losing seat. We’ve all lost in importance to someone or something – my mother prioritizes her ego, my father prioritizes his marriage vows and peace at home, and my brother basically gives no shits. In return, I prioritize my pride and my autonomy to servitude to my family’s bs, so I guess we’re even, right? But it wasn’t an easy pill to swallow, and it took me 25 adult years to swallow. Ironically, I don’t think THEY have yet realized that I have priorities that surpass their love – and I believe they think “in time,” I’ll see how empty my life is without them… You know? It isn’t. I never truly HAD THEM to begin with, so I’ve lost nothing, gained a lot.

There is NO POINT competing over attention, love, and respect of people who don’t put you ahead of everyone and everything else in their lives. On the other hand, it is utterly selfish to expect others to put you and your needs ahead of their own happiness and well-being – and yet people expect this all the time but find out sooner or later that they’re asking too much. (If you’re over six years old, you’re nobody’s priority over themselves. You’ll be lucky to be their first priority outside themselves. They may be willing to DIE for you, but they won’t suffer the continued unhappiness you are the direct cause of, and it would be naive and stupid to expect them to… If you actually ARE 6, your naivety can be excused, but around 6, people *should* start to learn this. Sadly, there are parents who haven’t learned this and 6-year-olds who have.)

Don’t assume another person’s greatest fear in life is to lose you. Everyone’s greatest fear should be losing themselves. Everyone’s primary relationship should always be the relationship they have with themselves; their primary concern should be their own self-acceptance, love, and ability to keep respecting themselves – not some other person who is ALWAYS just a transitionary relationship compared to their relationship to themselves. And mind you, I wrote, at the age of 17, making me a damned smart kid: “You are the only person in the world you can’t get rid of even if you wanted to.” I wrote it down to remind myself that it is the most important thing to keep liking myself rather than try to gain approval from someone else, no matter who that someone else is. Always seek approval from yourself alone.

This makes relationships fragile, and they SHOULD BE fragile. Non-fragile relationships are almost 100% blatant abuse if everyone’s priority is to prove loyalty or fortitude, not keep themselves in a happy place.

As far as relationships go; in each and every one of them, your primary goal is to make them love being themselves near you; to give their self a REASON to keep you close. EVEN THOUGH you’ll always love yourself more than you’ll love them and vice versa, and you should, you can help them love themselves more than they did before, and if you manage that, your presence in their life is more precious than gold. If they can do the same thing for you, you’ve got a winning relationship – if they can’t, or worse yet, if they make you dislike being you near them, you will eventually leave them, and that’s only fair.

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