Looking for love in all the wrong places – what does it mean?

As per usual, the Young Soul* would interpret this phrase as looking for love in people who won’t fit in. As in rock stars, drunkards, “bad boys”, you know the idea. However, that’s not what it truly means. It means looking for love in people who won’t love you back – often that being rock stars, drunkards, and bad boys. However, no matter who you are, you’re always someone’s true love, and that includes rock stars, drunkards, and bad boys.

So, the lesson being, if someone doesn’t love you, they won’t fall in love with you by you nagging at them or making a moral argument out of it. That’s the lesson here. SO MANY PEOPLE waste time guilting other people into giving them a chance, calling them a bad person or a commitment-phobic, because they don’t start a relationship or fall in love with them – or make that final commitment to them. However, that’s hardly ever the real problem. MORE THAN LIKELY, the problem is that the person begging for love doesn’t realize that there is none FOR HER (or him) here.

Is there a wrong type of person as per the capacity to love?

I personally don’t believe in psychopaths, and the only possible type of a human being that is incapable of love would be a psychopath. (I believe people who are permanently stuck with people who they cannot connect with intellectually and thus emotionally are believed to be psychopaths. The cure for psychopathy, I believe, is the company of other highly intelligent people. However, that won’t happen, because mid-to-low IQ people are terrified of intelligence, and often in charge of the care of so-called psychopaths.)

Every person is capable of love, so, therefore, there is technically no type of person that is “the wrong place to look for love in”. However, like attracts like, so it’s unlikely that very different kinds of people will find each other attractive at all, or that they would believe the other is attracted to them, if they are, as if you profoundly love some other type of a person than what you are, then you are more than likely unhappy with yourself, and can’t see yourself as being worthy of love. Therefore, if your ideal person is someone vastly different to you, you won’t find it possible that they’d love you.

On the other hand, more often than not, about 99,9% of people are their own representation of their own ideal. If their loved one is vastly different than themselves, the likelihood is that they don’t love that person but their idea of who they could turn that person into; an image of themselves, THEIR own ideal person. It is ASTONISHING what kind of people believe to have been a role model to their lover or friend, when in fact that relationship was a misunderstanding from the get-go.

Unlikely matches

There are cases where the differences are merely superficial. You can be rich and love a poor person, you may be a rock star in love with a classical singer, but the one thing I feel is the Most Important Factor in a relationship, and what average IQ people insist is not a factor at all, is intelligence. Matching IQ levels. (And EQ, a term I rarely use.) When you can’t even converse at the same level of intelligence, the chances of a happy relationship is slim to none.

Also, the higher the person’s IQ, the more they start to value difference between individuals, but the one rule still remains the same; the IQ (and EQ) must match at least approximately. There is a study that says a 30 point difference in IQ makes communication between people nearly impossible, so falling in love requires a gap even smaller than that… However, I am not exactly sure if I believe in the findings of the study (and don’t ask me where I read it, as I haven’t got a clue…) But the point being, IQ matters, and it matters A LOT. And yet, it doesn’t. (Here is how it doesn’t matter, explained by an obviously very smart individual. IQ matters, but how you apply it matters more, summarized. If you apply it to just outsmarting and belittling others, it truly doesn’t matter. Also, related, how you cannot deserve love by something like IQ.)

Easy target

What motivates people to look for love in all the wrong places, is that they view someone as an easy target. Someone who shouldn’t have high standards, and should be happy with any love offered. (A horrible attitude to take to a relationship.) The idea is that if someone like me would offer love to someone like that person, they should be automatically grateful and at awe at their good luck. However, as EVERYONE is their own representation of their own current ideal person, they admire who they are and if you’re not like them, they won’t love you back, no matter how hard you try.¹

A lot of people with a low self-confidence will try and find people who are nothing like their own ideal person, (usually a normal person), and they figure “I may not be good at being normal, but that person is even worse than I am, so they should be happy if I show them the way to be a little better than what they are now.” That, obviously, is a bad idea in relationships, as it comes from bad self-confidence rather than authentic love toward another person.

That’s what that phrase means.

1. Although everyone FALLS IN LOVE with their own likeness, whatever that likeness they are in love with – the differences are more the spice that makes things interesting but the love is born in the likeness – the Young Soul* believe EVERYONE, whether they’re in an intimate relationship with them or not, should adhere to their ideals, the Ravens* believe everyone is entitled to their own ideas. ↩

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