Don’t force trust in your luck (or anything else for that matter)

Here’s a general rule of thumb: if you can’t trust your luck or someone, or something, it’s probably NOT because there’s something wrong with you, but because your luck is not on your side at the moment. Again, I’ll illuminate my point from my own life.

I’ve been struggling financially all my life. All my life I’ve felt like I’m SUPPOSED TO trust my luck somehow, to make a blind leap of trust toward something, but feeling like it won’t pan out. What I feel like is that I’ll try, but where I land is back to where I try to get away from: my mom’s care. My mom, I feel, has trouble letting go. She insists I have trouble letting go, but she projects A LOT. She believes I don’t trust her to take me back, or that she wouldn’t take care of me if I needed her to. Of course, she would, but the last thing I want is to her have a good reason to come tell me all mommy-wise: “Do you remember what happened the LAST TIME you tried your luck? Wouldn’t it be better if you just stayed at your job I got you?”

So. Making a leap of faith would have landed me right into the biggest load of BS I could possibly imagine. Of course, I don’t, or didn’t, trust my luck.

Now, I’m a bit better. I don’t think I’ll wind up back there anymore. I’ve fought for my freedom in spirit for long enough, and recently I unearthed a few things I needed mom to understand and let go of: obedience is not my motivator. I am not trying to win her love by trying to gain independence, and finally, that the closest way to my heart is her making other people, her community, happy, but I will still not love-love her nor take her in as my own right hand.

Also, I started to listen to the voice of one of my True Emotion Mirrors more. Started to do things that made little sense but what he suggested I’d do. Granted, I do have trust issues created over two decades of failed attempts to get somewhere in life, so he had to create a very small-step plan for me to follow. But his love for me is big enough to make the required steps smaller rather than demand some grand gesture of trust in him before he gives me what I need, you know? It’s love. “I know you’re scared, here, just a small step.”

It took me a year to gather up the courage, tho. And I hate scared little baby adults. 🙂

What I needed tho, was for him to understand that my mother and my former best friend are not in my team. I do not play in the same team no matter how much they’d want me to. I needed him to align with me – you and me. Just you and me, and our soup. Not them. Don’t listen to them. He needed to understand I trusted him, not them.

So. The more people you have fighting for the chance of being your one and truly trusted friend or a lover, the more confused you feel. The less you feel trust. THEREFORE, in your mind, name the people you are willing and able to trust. The people who feel good to you. Name them over and over. I trust you A… I trust you B… and I trust you C… I would trust you, D… Even if you didn’t know them in real life. Even if you had to name a celebrity or the CEO of a multinational corporation. But don’t get opportunist. Betcha opportunism won’t serve you well here. Your ego cannot be a part of the deal or you’ll fall very short indeed, I guarantee you… And then you will land in another reason to not trust things to work out.

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