1. They are threatened by you and try to bring you down a notch so you’d feel equal to them.
2. You’ve been picking a flaw in them for so long that they’re finally retaliating to remind you that you aren’t perfect, either. (This may or may not be a sign of mutual interest.)
3. They’re trying to reject you, explaining to you why you are not their equal. (Likely when they’re trying to break up with you and you don’t understand why.)
4. They’re so amazed by you and so impressed by you, they want you to know they are your equal in the level of perfection by noticing it, or that they are not SO star struck by you that they think you’re perfect (and that should make you more comfortable around them.)

It is dangerous to assume every person who picks a flaw in you does it for the same reason. There’s more than one reason for it.

Feeling threatened.

Sometimes, a person can make another feel threatened in their presence just by showing up. This is common in high achievers who have gotten used to being the most talented and gifted person around. Once they meet someone at their own level or higher still, they may feel like they need to fight for the position they used to undeniably hold and start finding flaws in them like it was a new sport.

(Some do this without voicing it out. They’re conscious of their ego-reaction the other person isn’t guilty of producing when they notice another person is “getting to them” by being unusually talented, gifted, skilled, and successful…)

What if you’ve been picking a flaw in someone, and they finally join in?

You may think this means their interest in you is now tweaked. I’d caution you from making that conclusion. It is insufferably annoying to be nit-picked and criticized by someone who isn’t at your level, right? Like there’s someone who is not fit to judge, busy judging. It’s very, very annoying. So, eventually, the object of your scrutiny might lash back and remind you that you are not in the position of critiquing them at all.

On the positive, they may be relaxing as they realize your flaw-picking is humorous and fun, and they’re joining into your ribbing. But ask yourself, are you being humorous and fun, or are you just being an ass?

Rejection.

This should be easy to notice but also, there’s a lot of misinterpreting going on.

During a breakup, the person who is getting broken up from, may start trying to convince the other to stay. They may think the relationship is salvageable, when the other does not. When the other starts explaining to them why they’re leaving, the other may feel they’re trying to convince the partner to consider staying with them.

Definition of perfection

This is because EVERYONE thinks themselves to be “ideal”. This is a fact of life, everyone is their own expression of perfection. Effectively EVERYONE feels superior to anyone who isn’t like them. Therefore, the more different you are from another person, the more your definition of an ideal person differs.

The source of the misunderstanding.

Therefore, if you are in a relationship with someone different from you, they are likely to be in it as a “favor” to you. The same way as you are in it as a “favor” to them. Therefore, when you try to break up with them, they think you’re finally come to the same conclusion: They’re superior to you, and you’re asking for a “permission” to stay with them, covered in a breakup attempt: “I’m inferior to you, I acknowledge this, I’m willing to leave, but if you can reassure me to stay, I’ll stay…”

Also, if you try to “let them off easy” you’re likely to try and point out how they’re still a great person… And they hear it as “you’re a great person and I feel inferior to you,” when in truth the compliments are there just to soften the blow (ego-insult).

So. When someone is trying to point out they’re leaving, how different you two are, why you shouldn’t be together, it’s best not to interpret it as flirtation or any of the other “positive” nit-picking attempts.

Feeling near star-struck.

Have you ever felt the need to point out to someone that you’re not so star-struck by them that you can’t see their flaws? Or do you want to demonstrate to them that you’re at their level by pointing out “a professional level” flaw when someone else is just gasping at their (undeniable) talent or skill? (Kinda like that parent: “I can help you become better still.”)

A nit-picking parent is unlikely displeased by you but is rather trying to point out that they can still be helpful and relevant to you, that you’re not so perfect that they cannot help you become better still.

How it feels to be constantly evaluated and judged by others.

Now, as someone who has been an object of constant scrutiny and nit-picking and judgment, I can tell you that the fascination of it wears off quickly. You might stop paying attention to other’s constant need to evaluate you and assign points for everything that you do. You may not care why they feel the need to do so. Maybe you start wondering if you’re just getting so narcissistic that people feel the need to constantly help you from going over that railing. You may start thinking: “nothing is good enough to be loved. No matter how much I try, all they see is my flaws and failures.”

It can be incredibly refreshing when someone self-confidently praises you when you’re used to the opposite. When everyone else is “pretending not to be star struck” it’s amazing when someone is openly awestruck. Someone who is capable of both openly admiring you and offering CONSTRUCTIVE ACTIONABLE criticism, actual advice balanced with adoration, love, and reassurance that everyone needs is the winner. Without the balance of “you’re amazing” constant flaw-picking gets really, really old, especially when it offers no value to you whatsoever.

“But I love you” isn’t a get-away-for-free card.

And by the way: “But I love you” doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter. If someone is 99% perfect, it would be weird of you not to love them. It’s not a get-away-for-free card. You’re just being a dick/cunt, EVEN THOUGH you love them. It’s worse. You love them but you can’t treat them with love and care. You FAIL. You’re not good at loving, if you can only show them negative. Also, me pointing out to someone that they might actually love you is unlikely to make them feel relieved that you do. It’s information, yes. Might make them feel marginally better. I doubt it’s something they’d delight in, or be particularly surprised about, either, in all cases.

Never take it for granted that someone knows you love them and that’s why you’re being a cunt.

I also want to stress this. People tend not to be ASSURED that others love them, especially if they are highly capable, high-achievers, perfectionists who love perfection. Because they love perfection, they also love perfection. Therefore, they assume others may see too many flaws in them, and they’re not perfect enough. If you only ever pick a flaw in a perfectionist, it’s unlikely they figure “oh they love me so!”

Don’t take it for granted that anyone thinks of themselves as so obviously lovable that you can quit trying to show it to them.

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