Scam (narcissistic abuse) – sympathy, flattery, promises of great things later if you do this now – no action, no reward.
How do you know somebody is scamming you in one way or another? You are being strung by a bright future that never seems to come. Great promises, no delivery… Usually not even on the small things. The most hooking aspect is the sympathy and flattery; if only you were good enough; “I believe in you.” They tangle something in front of you “for later” and ask you to do often quite big things for the end result, whatever that may be. Love? Marriage? Heaven? Literal heaven? The scam of Christianity and Islam works the same way. Other religions? Maybe you’re chasing a kundalini spiral or levitation for nothing but your ego, really.
Sometimes you help the scammer or are actively scamming yourself.
Sometimes you take part in this scam; you can literally help your scammers scam you, because you like the idea of it being true. “Is the reason for this illogical action/story that…” And you help them explain disparities in a way that you can accept. Just so you don’t seem too suspicious. Sometimes the scammer isn’t even trying to scam you, but you’re doing it all on your own. Somebody is trying to chase you away, and you convince yourself that “they’re pushing me away because they are not used to being loved like this, if I just get through this part, they’ll accept my love and we can be happy in the end…” In the moments when THEY are getting tired of YOUR abuse, they lower their defences for a bit, try to see if there’s a silver lining to their situation and maybe sleep with you then, you think “OMG, I’m almost there,” when truly you’re only scamming yourself and abusing the other person.
Sometimes they appear to be all that you hoped for in the beginning, then vanish but return periodically to make sure you’re still their bitch. Sometimes they’re not really trying to scam you, but feel obligated to be just polite enough to not be considered dismissive or a bad friend, so they keep in touch just enough to pass, even though they have no real investment in the relationship. They may be hoping you’ll get the message and stop contacting them yourself, but you do the scamming yourself: “They’re just busy.”
No change
But nothing changes. It’s all the same ol’, same ol’, day in, day out. You’ve gone through all of your sex positions, but he’s not leaving his wife. You’ve read your Bible or Quran a million times (or not, considering maybe you’d notice something you weren’t supposed to), and there’s no delivery. You’ve changed genders, and there’s no trans joy. You’re invested all that money, but there’s no return, except on paper. “Look how much money you’ve made. Now, let’s reinvest it…!” You want out, and they talk you back in – they’re living off of your money after all.
Deliberate accidents
One of the strategies employed is the deliberate misunderstandings, misquotes, and acting stupid; “Oh, I thought you meant…” when you clearly said something different. They may ignore parts of your message deliberately, or have a very selective hearing, and you just think they’re stupid or don’t speak the language well enough, or have a really bad memory. “Oh, I thought you said ‘punch me in the face’!” “Why would I ask you to punch me in the face?!” “Well, that’s what I was thinking but I thought that’s what you said!”
They can make you physically sick to be your nurse.
They can also make you physically ill (if you aren’t already) by slipping something in your food or drink to make you dependent on them. They may slip the wrong drug in if they are in that position. This may be even your parent or guardian, a trusted friend, anyone who wants to be near you all the time, even when in truth you don’t need them.
“You have so much potential!”
One of the strategies to make you work real hard for them is to praise your “potential.” They’re there to help you (help them). They make you run through hoops to learn something, often something that cannot even be taught, like acting without a knack for it. So you keep going back to a coach or a teacher who only wants your money as you’re chasing after a dream that will never come.
“I’m the only one who loves you like this.”
While they praise your potential, they also diminish where you are or what you’ve done so far. They want to make you believe they are the only reason you have ever achieved anything, and to be honest, it may be partially true: nobody wants you to succeed like a person willing to take advantage of your hard work themselves.
They can make you believe they are the only one capable of seeing this potential in you or loving you at all, or the way they love you. “This is the best you can expect.” They want you to believe they are your only chance of happiness. (Sometimes, you make yourself believe that you deserve abuse like that, even when your partner or friend is actively trying to get rid of you.)
“I am the way, he who believes in me shall not perish.”
They will make themselves the way to your salvation. This may also come in the form of a roadblock.
Somehow, they put themselves in between you and your goal and make you believe that once they are happy or taken in for the ride, you can have what you want. In truth, they may have no idea how to help you. They may be running an agency or something that seems to have all the connections you need to get what you want, when in truth, they have nothing and are only stalling to find another angle to hold you to them.
“To get your Twin Flame, you’ll have to resolve your other relationships; I’m your other relationship!”
They can recruit your true friends to help them scam you.
What’s worse, they can appear so helpful and so full of love and care for you, that they’ll convince your true friends to help them “take care of you” and to “love you” when truly, the only thing your friends are doing is wind up making matters worse for you. They don’t intend to, of course, but the scammers like this can be so convincing that they do it for your good, not realizing it’s anything but. They convince your friends or loving family members they are your best friend or the only person who can handle you or understand you – if they think differently, they’re wrong, right?
If they can’t, they want your friends gone.
There’s a good chance they’re actively working on turning you against your other friends or your friends against you, whichever seems easier to do.
The go-to person.
They want the least amount of communication between people they control, too; they may be the “go-to person” of a group of friends or family. In circles of friends, they’re the one who calls parties and get-togethers, and you barely communicate directly with each other. If you do, this person seems to be oddly upset about it. They’ll feel instantly “left out” and offended if there’s communication between friends of the same group that doesn’t go through them.
They may be the “matriarch” or the “patriarch” of the family, where nothing happens unless they’re in the know of it. They OK everything that is going on, right? In family circles, they’re very vary of “outsiders” and tend to take in only people who have proven themselves especially useful to the family.
The circle of hooks.
They collect ‘hooks’ and ‘handles’ that they can use to reel you back in and to control you with. Once you call them out on one, they’ll apologize and move to the other one. They know how to make you angry, how to make you feel sorry for yourself, how to make you feel sorry for them, and even if these hooks get weaker and weaker, they just use a faster change rhythm so at least you’re stuck arguing about the same stuff over and over. They seem to “forget” every previous conversation about these hooks, so you’re back making the same point over and over, going nowhere.
The apologies. The regret.
Then, when you confront them about the bad treatment you get, they act very, very sorry. They’re terrified that they “didn’t realize that’s how you felt.” They seem so genuinely sorry that you forgive them, or at least hope they’ll get the message and leave.
No such luck. They’ll be back at it like nothing had happened.
OK, what is the action plan?
Next time they apologize and act all “oh I did all that, I didn’t even realize what a bad person I am,” ask them what they are going to do about it and in what time frame. Ask them: “OK, I’m glad you had this realization. Now, what is your action plan on what you are going to do about it, and what would be a fair timeframe for me to expect to see it done?”
Make them understand that action is required, not just regret and repentance for their sins. You need to see an action: Giving up the scam and leaving you is one great action that you can encourage if you’re ready to call it. You may also say: “OK, if I am not happy with your progress by that timeframe you gave me, I will break up with you then.” They’ll likely take that bargain, but you’ll have to understand they’ll take it to win you back over, but they’re not really going to change, but if you need to prove that to yourself first, try it.
You try to leave?
A narcissistic abuser will pretend not to care if you leave, but will point out you are a quitter or a loser, “too soft” for a “real” relationship, and other put-downs. A borderline abuser will become angry and physically attack you. A histrionic abuser will cry and act like the victim of another person abandoning and “giving up on” them.
Their superpower: “It doesn’t matter if they don’t like me, as long as I refuse to leave.”
Most people like to be liked and loved in any type of relationship. A scammer or narcissist of this nature doesn’t need to be loved, approved of, or liked; they just congratulate themselves on how they’re willing to take “your abuse” because they “love you.” They’ll also make others admire them for that very fact. You look like the bad guy, while they look like the innocent, long-suffering poor spouse or friend, or business partner.
All they need to do is to convince themselves that you don’t really mean it, you’re just going through a phase, or testing their love for you, but deep down, you love them, and that gives them all the power to stay put – and now, they are scamming themselves. They use “their love for you” as an eternal excuse to stay in your life as if nobody else was able to love you “like that,” despite all of your anger toward them. So first, they drive you to near madness, make you lash out or anger, hopefully in front of other people so they see you being the crazy one, then, they act like a saint for taking it from you. Over and over and over if need be.
And now, all they have to do is to convince themselves and everybody else that they’re the misunderstood victim.
“Don’t read that, it’s shit.”
Sadly, this can also turn into a freaking manual on how to scam someone depending on who reads it. Your abuser would tell you not to read websites like mine “because they’re shit” only so you won’t realize what’s happening. If your friend needs to read this, spread it and praise it, so that it will go past the scammer’s critique of it.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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