How to deal with a person who you know to be a bad seed, so to speak?
When you find someone to be a bad person, a narcissist, who cares for nobody except themselves, and you want to get rid of that person, but everyone around you still thinks they’re amazing, how do you do it?
Deliberately bad people usually make social contacts around you and themselves to “hold the King (or Queen) in a leash.” They do it so that everyone around “the King” is going to speak on their behalf when “the King” is having doubts. “The King” is a Narcissistic Source to a Narcissist. The Narcissistic Source keeps the Narcissist “fed”, so to speak, sometimes literally. The Source keeps the Narcissist happy, protected, and in power (however minor).
It is also customary for the narcissist to keep their manipulation from everybody except the Source, who can see through them better. As long as others can’t see it, the Narcissist can abuse the Source as much as they want, and the Source has to tolerate them or make themselves look like a selfish, jealous, envious, insecure, petty, or insane person. The threat is loss of face or reputation in the eyes of others…. Narcissists’ victims are manipulable by their narcissistic streaks. Someone who has completely eradicated their narcissistic impulses cannot be manipulated by one, either. (Most people have narcissistic streaks and impulses, but are not diagnosable as pathological narcissists.)
The following is a checklist of strategies narcissists use and remedies for them.
To be perceived as a good person/Christian/friend/spouse/man/woman, etc.
The last narcissistic streak that people have is the need to be seen as a good person. Perfect person, even to escape all criticism from others. For as long as you cannot tolerate a flaw in your own character, an abusive narcissist can lead you like a goat in a leash. They can push you further and further to force you to prove to them and everyone else that you are a perfect person. THIS IS the collar, the leash, the handles that a narcissist holds onto to make you do the things they want you to do.
Stop faking perfection, and raise your bar for yourself, add the “non-manipulable” to the list of things you expect yourself to learn, and you’ll be good.
Master manipulator
A skilled narcissist is a master manipulator. They appear amazing to everyone else, except the one they’re abusing. Ironically, the person they abuse is also the person whom they genuinely consider their best friend. Why? Because they “ALLOW THEM to abuse them,” and “always forgive them,” in addition to other reasons that are completely imaginary at times. They can glorify that friendship to no extent when it comes to outsiders, they “love you so much” and sing your praises in public, but behind closed doors, the Source is being abused or at least taken advantage of for all they’re worth.
The Narcissist can also easily make their Source do their dirty work for them, or even vice versa – whatever suits the political atmosphere; whichever one of us can get away with screwing “outsiders” over, should do it. If this person holds any actual political power, either themselves or through the Source, they are a dangerous companion to have.
Social pressure
A Narcissist will aim to make friends of everyone surrounding their perceived Narcissistic Source. Sometimes they befriend the Source’s friend before they go anywhere near the person they intend to entangle themselves with. They’ll “get into the circles” of the person they want (or persons), which is the right way to make friends anyway, but the Narcissist has very little interest in the group’s actual interests as long as they appear knowledgeable enough. For instance, if they’ve decided rock stars to be worth targeting, they’ll dress “rock” but know very little about the genre in reality. Their true interest is shallow or fleeting.
They appear friendly and inclusive, but in truth, they are just building a net around their Source. They make themselves the go-to person to approach if you want anything to do with the Source, and they control who comes in and who doesn’t, and the people who are allowed in are never going to be the ones the Source wants in – that would jeopardize the position of the Narcissist.
When the Narcissist has established their position as the Source’s best friend or supporter, there is virtually nothing the Source can do to persuade people to turn their backs on the Narcissist. The only position where that might be possible is if the Source is actually a King or a Queen, and everyone simply has to obey. In that situation, the Narcissist will have to make the King mentally ill, using poisons or simple manipulation to appear as though they are the only person capable of managing the Source in his ailing health.
When people see the Narcissist as the one who makes it possible for the King to function to maximum, they’ll persuade the King to forgive, to forget, to be better for his loyal friend.
Gasslighting
Although Narcissists can deliberately stir trouble and cause drama around them to “divide and conquer”, the term ‘gasslighting’ refers not to setting gas alight, as in causing fights, but it refers to the deliberate attempt to make a person doubt their very understanding of reality. They insist you must have seen something you didn’t, or didn’t see what you clearly saw. They appear so certain about “a fact” that a normal person will start doubting themselves and their own grasp on reality, rather than the Narcissists.
The Narcissist may say, “You were so drunk”, “Well, you were absent, you weren’t there, were you?” “Well, that happened, but you can’t remember it because…” And sometimes, they can use a very real reason: “Well, you weren’t there when Johnny beat Amber or Amber beat Johnny, were you?” But lacking a better hook, they’ll invent a reason for you to doubt your sanity. They move stuff around your mutual home and then claim not to have seen it. They pretend not to hear something that you can, or that the person you’re now looking at behind your window is not really there.
Gasslighting is a systematic strategy to make someone doubt their sanity, and is extended to people surrounding the Source, too. “Johnny is so drunk so often he can’t remember brutally beating me up.” Yet, nobody has ever seen Johnny be violent, but why would she lie…?
Threats
Also, you may have multiple narcissists in your circles. You win a round against one, clearing your name with them, the next one will hold that over your head: “You know, it sounds to me like you were, in fact, abusive… You got away with it once, but if you screw me over, I’ll tell everyone how you beat me up, too.” And now, people are much more prone to believe it.
Still, Narcissists LOVE having something over your head. True or false, they know you want to keep your reputation intact, and that claiming the same explanation twice will make you look very, very doubtful: “No, she’s lying, too.”
Recognize your tendency to let narcissists into your life. Some of us are downright magnetic for them.
Trust this: Women are capable of lying, just as men are.
There is always a chance you’re being lied to. All the time. I may be lying to you now. (I promise I’m not, but you know., I could be.) That’s the reality.
Do not for a second believe someone simply because they are a woman, LGBTQ+, or a priest… Or any other “they wouldn’t lie because they’re associated with X” organisation or demographic. These organisations are catnip to a narcissist. If they can make themselves a part of a profession that enjoys automatic trust, they’re happy as. This means, if you can spot something weird, make a note of it, don’t ignore it as “one of those things,” at least not completely. It MAYBE purely innocent, but you know, count them anyway.
Don’t let them present you as a friend when you’re not.
Narcissists will easily introduce themselves as your friend or girlfriend or whatnot in order to prep the social circle’s minds to the fact that they have a position in your life. This position can be used to lie to people about you, because their best friend wouldn’t lie, would they?
Be prepared to say: “Ah, well, Sarah, we’re not quite that close, are we?” NOT EVEN privately, where they may test whether you’d object to the label or not. So don’t get too polite if you have an ill feeling about somebody. Of course, people will eventually attach a label on you when your relationship becomes more defined, just don’t let a person jump the gun on that before you feel it. You know it would be great to believe Johnny Depp is your best friend, but is he? Is he really?
Your virtues will be used against you.
A Narcissist will use your virtues against you. “I’m not a transphobe. I’m very inclusive.” “Prove it, sleep with me.” (Remember inclusivity laws cannot be applied to your personal circle, you have every right to be a transphobic, homophobic, or a freaking racist, you just can’t act on it further than protecting your personal circles from people you don’t like for whatever reason. “They insist on wearing orange T-shirts. I’ve always hated orange” is a good enough reason.)
Whatever virtue you believe yourself to hold: a loyal friend, a good daughter, a good man, a hard worker (never promise to be a hard worker!!), an honest person, not-a-racist, a perfect person, even… The Narcissist can always push you a little further to make you prove to them that you are, in fact, not something they’d judge you for.
Consider yourself balanced, reasonable, sensible, aware, just, and fair. Drop virtues that put the “give” completely on your side in the hands of a Narcissist. Always ask yourself, “What are THEY doing FOR ME in return?” If the answer keeps being “nothing” like uplifting your mood, making you happier, making your life less stressful or whatever, it’s a red flag.
Stop fearing labels; words
Narcissists try to make you look bad in order to control you and your decisions. They do this by making you fear people will see you as something negative, such as a transphobic, if you don’t comply. (Yes. A LOT OF LGBTQ+ rhetoric is narcissistic abuse on a large scale. That said, calling someone fagot or a tranny is also controlling another person and their self-image and -expression with a (perceived) negative label.)
Your first line of defence is to decide you don’t have to be a perfect person, you just have to be good enough. Allow people to accuse you of things while you work to prove them wrong. Don’t just accept the accusation and fold under the pressure to play directly to the Narcissist’s goals just to avoid a descriptive word being associated with you.
Shoot back.
“Honey, do you want to have my dress? It’s so tight around my boob-area, because I’ve got rather large breasts…?” The Narcissist offers, in their bid to point out two things: They are richer than you, they can give their old used crap to you, because you’re poor and a beggar, AND they have fabulous breasts – unlike yours.
You don’t have to shoot down EVERY annoying comment they make, but do learn to shoot down their favorite digs:
“Oh darling, I’d love it! My breasts are so firm and perky, any old rag will look good on me, as you’ve so carefully shown me!”
Don’t be shy to get childish with them; it’s the only language they know.
Don’t let them misrepresent you.
Good or bad, don’t let a narcissist characterize you with falsehoods to other people. Make a joke out of it, or call them out right in front of everybody. Don’t be afraid of causing a scene. “Don’t cause a scene” is another narcissistic manipulation strategy, although it can ALSO BE about respecting your hosts, but do consider not letting them get away with a misrepresentation, ESPECIALLY if the host invited both of you, KNOWING that there’s an issue between you two. Then, let them suffer the consequences.
Stop listening to guesses about other people’s feelings.
The narcissist will often employ people who you want to love and respect you by using them as bait to make you comply with them. “Oh, your grandfather would be ashamed,” even when you figure he probably wouldn’t care one way or another. Still, you fear he might be ashamed, so you go along with it. They can use whoever they know to matter to you as a bait here, or groups of people if close people don’t work: “Men don’t like easy women.” “Women don’t want a deadbeat.”
Instead of speaking for themselves and about their feelings, they will easily project their feelings onto another person whom you love and respect more, so you’ll listen to them and do as they say.
Promises and threats made on another person’s behalf.
A narcissist will also make promises on other people’s behalf: “Men will love you for this,” “God will take you to Heaven if,” “my friend, The Queen, will surely reward you.” They use their connections to make wild promises on behalf of people with whom they are even loosely associated.
Stop accepting promises or threats made on someone else’s behalf. Also, stop delivering on promises someone has made on your behalf without asking you first. Teach people not to abuse you in this way.
Promises to and threats against themselves on your behalf.
A narcissist can also easily make both promises AND THREATS against themselves on your behalf. “Oh, they would KILL ME if I left them!” “Deep down, they love me so.” “If they find out my secret, they will destroy me.”
There’s very little you can do about what they tell themselves about you, but when they repeat these to a third party, you have at least some control over them, but sadly, not as much as you’d like to have.
The first step is to boldly inform everyone you care about that you are no longer friends, and you no longer trust that person, you can also predict to them what they are going to do about it. Or, if you suspect a person of narcissism, you can easily predict that they are going to ignore the fact you’ve ended your friendship, and they’ll call it “just a phase” or “a mere lover’s quarrel” or say you’re “being dramatic and will come around” or any such thing.
Know that average people will never see a hint of a narcissist in a narcissist.
Narcissists are impressed by impressive people. If they see potential in you but are not particularly impressed, they can be quite good for you. They won’t be threatened by you, but they feel harnessing your hidden strengths to their use is beneficial for them. They’ll appear supportive and a strong companion, and they’ll make you thrive. Unfortunately, they’ll expect reward and unquestioned loyalty for that service. This means “no matter what way I abuse you in the future, you owe me thanks for all that you are.”
A narcissist reacts to those whom they see as their superiors in any way. If they see you as usable, they’ll like you; if not, they’ll feel threatened and want to destroy you by lies and deceit if they must. They always use mediocre people without a second thought, but they rarely get the sharp end of the stick, rather just a “worship me for being nice to you” strategy. They know average people will defend anyone whom they see as their friend or ally, or benefactor, or, indeed, a victim.
Stop caring what people who you don’t like think of you.
Narcissists thrive on reputation destruction. STOP REACTING to the reaction to people who mean nothing to you. Think it through: Do you WANT the business of THOSE people who can be persuaded with ad hoc lies to believe your product is inferior? Do you care if people who you don’t even want to be friends with will think you’re a… c?
That said, you need to manage your reputation in regards to people whose opinion matters to you. One of the ways to do this is to be very authentic and real on your social media. Pick and choose accusations and lies that you’ll react to, and be careful how you do it. Don’t feed into the rumor mill with a strong, loud “name and shame” reaction. That only gives THEM attention. Don’t elevate smaller creators who pick on you to your status by featuring them on your social media. Only react when a specific rumor has taken hold and is repeated enough to become an issue. Then, if you can NOT name the people shaming you, don’t. Simply address the issues and don’t be ashamed of having to PROVE YOURSELF to people who care about you and call you their idol.
KNOW that narcissists want your attention by insulting you.
Remember this: Narcissists want your attention and subsequently your friendship, or at least an association with you, when they insult you in public. They want to be SPOKEN TO by their superior. That alone gives them a status boost. Don’t react to things that a currently meaningless person says. Know that narcissists make up stuff about you to get your goat. STILL, don’t let it go too far without a reaction, because you’re offended people would believe stuff like that about you. It’s a known fact that it’s hard for a lot of people to know anyone well, and smart people are well aware of that fact. They may doubt themselves more than they doubt you – don’t be offended by that. Defend yourself when you have to.
They are not afraid to appear as the victim.
Most people will shudder at the thought of being seen as the victim or the weak one, or someone garnering pity. Narcissists will do whatever it takes to be special. Whatever works. In truth, most of the time, acting like the victim is a much more efficient way to manipulate others around them than being seen as a superior to everyone around them. A narcissist can also EASILY act like the innocent victim of circumstances, UNTIL they reach the top position, after which, they’ll turn into a tyrannical leader.
This also works so well when everyone wants to see them succeed, whatever small way possible, because they’re a poor little victim, and they’ll open doors for them just to help out. Then, once the “crown” is theirs, they’ll abuse that power to all its good.
Die on that hill, even if it makes you look like the bad guy.
Do not allow the narcissist back in your life. Be willing to cut off every person who chooses to support them, your family members included. Make it a clause for a future relationship, collaboration, and contact with someone: “I am not friends with the friends of this person,” and be vigilant of any signs of deception there; if they say they’re not friends but report what you say to the narcissist… Phew… (Maybe test their loyalty with a carefully planted rumor that you don’t actually mind going to the narcissist, but only tell one planted secret to one person so you know which one has leaked it.)
Do not falter under pressure of emotional pleas, threats, bargaining, trading, accusations of bad character; anything. You’re done with them, and you HAVE TO BE WILLING to lose anyone who doesn’t comply with it.
What you could do in some cases is to describe to your true friends what’s going on, but you also have to know who your true friends are, and who aren’t. Don’t be so proud that you don’t forgive people for having believed the lies of the narcissist. ALWAYS forgive people for being too blind to see a manipulative liar to be a liar. They’ll figure it out eventually, or they won’t. But never blame them for not seeing it until they do. (How long did it take you? How close did you have to be before you did?)
About the betrayal, too.
There are people who love being “in the know” so much that they’ll pass your secrets to anybody willing to listen. They’re not really bad people necessarily, they are just a little… Childish. If you still love that person, just keep information from them that they may not be able to resist telling people. Forgive them for as long as you can and want to, I suppose, and be a bit smart about it.
Also, not all secrets are obviously secrets to all people. There are things that another person might not have a clue why you’d keep it from people, like being gay, for instance. They may think, “Oh, but I had to tell Sarah you’re gay; she was so torn apart because you didn’t take her for a second date!” They feel being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, but heaven forbid Sarah would think you’re a cruel, indifferent person. Probably not the best idea to hold that against a person, either, but you might want to stress to them why you’re not ready to come out of the closet just yet… “And go fix it with Sarah, she can’t tell more people.” (Although, being a girl and all, she probably already has and… well, they don’t think it’s a bad thing, either.)
Now, elegance is best.
The best way to rid yourself of a narcissist is to let them save face. Write them an exit story out of your life, and make it appear as though THEY decided to cool your contact with them. You may do this in the form of a negotiation: “Look, I don’t want to be married to / friends with / associated with you anymore. How do you want to break the news to other people? What do you want me to tell them is the reason? I doubt you want them to know the real story, do you?” Take their first offer, otherwise, they’ll stall you in a negotiation phase forever. (If you’re clever, you’ll record this conversation, maybe even openly.)
You can rest assured, no matter what lie they decide to tell, they’ll have to also distance themselves from your friends and circles, as they are ALWAYS MOST ASHAMED of losing a friend, no matter what the reason. Soon, they’ll avoid you completely, as long as they can pretend it was your fault, not theirs, that this happened. Then, you can set the records straight once they’re gone.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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