Narcissistic Balance Sheet

If you are used to dealing with narcissists or are one, you’ll be running a constant balance sheet in your head about who is receiving what and for whatever reason. If you’re not the narcissist, you try to keep the incoming and outgoing even and fair, and err on the side of personal loss. If you’re the narcissist, however, you’ll be demanding that you get the lion’s share out of every interaction with other people, but also that your loved ones always get the lion’s share when dealing with any “outsider,” but not as much as you get. So, as a group, you’re getting more than others. Still, within the group, the narcissist must be coming out on top in every interaction, regardless of the currency, literal or figurative, used.

Further, the narcissist insists they should be given the same amount as everyone they know, even if they didn’t work or contribute to the outcome. If they did even the smallest effort themselves, they insist to be paid more than anyone else, no matter how inconsequential or minor their input was.

The logic of a narcissist hangs onto their idea that they are the ‘small one’. The child. They’re the needy one. When parents come home with bags full of food, they hand out portions equally or certainly as much as the kid needs to be fed. Sometimes, a parent will let the kids eat first, then they’ll eat whatever is left if times are tough. The narcissist believes adulthood is about making sure “mommy and daddy” are doing their duty toward him or her.

The mommy and daddy positions in their life are limitless. It doesn’t matter if you’re family or not, if they see you being capable, they’ll assume you understand it’s your job to divide all that you’ve got equally, and then give them a little more (love, care, toys, food, fun). When this doesn’t happen anymore in their adult age, they feel neglected and abandoned like children.

You’ll need to sit them down, talk to them like children, and explain to them that this isn’t good anymore because they’re not children anymore. You have to explain the expectations on them like they were children, and ask them if they need help doing something.

It is not realistic to expect a narcissistic person to step up and be an adult, but they can certainly be taught to do their share, like a teenager would be expected to. You’ll also have to explain to them that the money, love, and attention they are receiving are fair and measured by whatever measure you use. Do not leave it up to the narcissist to decide what is fair and what isn’t, they’ll need reassurance that this is the best they’ll get with the current contribution level.

Always check: If you were them, and they were you, would you want to live with yourself? No? Then don’t expect them to want to live with you, either.

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