Don’t count on “he/she didn’t mean it.”

There is a certain type of denial that people live under when they live with a lot of people who don’t truly love them. It’s a habit of explaining people’s meanness away with a “They didn’t mean it,” “They’re under a lot of stress,” and “That’s just his/her style of humor.” It is VERY UNLIKELY that that is the case. Either that person is genuinely mean, or they don’t like you thinking they like you… Or, if they are equally mean, they think, “That’s how friends talk to each other.”

Some people are impossible to insult because they insist others around them “don’t really mean it.” It can be a coping mechanism to being bullied, but even the bullying may be a reaction to this person’s insistence that “others don’t mean it.” They simply ignore everything that threatens their idea of a liked and adored self and decide not to take anything as a genuine critique of their person. It is entirely possible that others feel they cannot be reached because they “hear nothing.” They cannot be corrected because everything others tell them gets ignored as “that’s just their sense of humor.”

A bad relationship may start with something as innocent as an “Oh, he’s/she’s just playing hard-to-get.” When a person explains all behavior as pretense when it doesn’t align with their wishes of how things should be, that’s a danger zone. (And yes, sometimes people do play hard-to-get, and they play “aloof” even more often. But you should be well aware of people who think everything around them is a game of pretend-not-to-love-as-much-as-that… When the much more common game is to pretend to love more than we do.)

There are women who have never been rejected simply because they ignore their love interests’ pleas for reason: “You’re not my girlfriend!” “Oh, don’t be like that; why do you have to be like that? Of course, I’m your girlfriend!” When he goes on to pursue other relationships, his self-proclaimed girlfriend comes after: “He’s my boyfriend, he’s a cheater…” and winds up gaining a reputation of an abuser when all this time he’s been the victim of abuse.

“I want you to move out!” “Oh, stop being like that!” (How long before you would physically wrangle her out or punch her when she doesn’t take no for an answer?)

Ignoring a person’s declaration that they don’t like you, don’t want to be around you, hate you, or don’t consider themselves your friend or a partner is dangerous. These people may also ignore their partner shouting: “Look, LEAVE, you’re free to leave any time you want. See if I care!” or think it’s a threat: “Try to walk out the door and see what happens to you.”

Please don’t ever again try to make someone feel better about things by helping them use this way of thinking to make them feel better. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it.” You shouldn’t be sure.

A sigh of relief is also often interpreted as a sigh of disappointment when a person like this finally decides to leave. “Fine, let’s divorce!” He sighs of relief. She thinks: “Oh, he was joking after all and is disappointed that I’m so sensitive and can’t play rough like he likes it…”

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