Phew. From penniless to… Having some pennies

I am fairly positive, that my spirit invited a minor crisis on just for the entertainment value and for learning to appreciate the small things again. After a pretty nice run on Bitcoin, I made a terrible decision and lost a lot of money – not my initial investment or anything that bad, but I was thousands down from where I could have been if I hadn’t been just plain stupid and listened to my “missguide’s” voice saying “hodl, this will be fine.” I did, against my better judgment… And lost a looooot of money.

I went completely penniless for about a month or so. Lost my sim in the process. I could have really used the last 230 USD that I spent on the payment, which I DO understand is a stupid, stupid way of spending money, but, as I said, a part of the spiritual experience, I’m pretty sure. Normally, I’m pretty damned good with money. I don’t have a lot, but I don’t overspend, either. I own nothing, I owe nothing. No credit card debt, no loan payments, no bs. Knowing I am so easily in a hole, I only buy what I can pay outright. Therefore, my spirit guides had to work hard to make me sink into a financial hole – even a small one.

Small blessings

To be honest, I haven’t figured out the full purpose of this gag yet, but having gone a month without Coke Zero that I was addicted to – the taste of it is as if I’d never had a glass! I scoffed down a bag of honey soy potato chips in a hurry because it’s quality stuff one misses. 😀 But the biggest relief: My website is safe. I was THIS CLOSE to having no money to pay for the web hosting… It’s 10 dollars a month! I literally had $0.00 bank balance, some coins in my pocket. My Exie fed me for a month and paid the rent alone.

It was… oddly… Fun.

I can’t say that to Exie. 😀 I don’t think he had fun at all, but he’ll feel better when I pay the next rent alone.

The lesson to be learned?

I am not sure what the intended lesson was. That there’ll be someone to take care of me if I get into trouble? Never doubted that. Never WANTED anyone to HAVE to take care of me. To me, it’s shameful that I would have to accept help from someone, and would only allow my very very best most trusted friends ever to do that for me, as I know I’ll pay them back when I can. I don’t want to be financially dependent on anyone, it diminishes me.

And I know my actions in this world haven’t really been in accordance with my haughty words. I have a feeling I’m being driven to as lowly status as they CAN drive me (my frenemies/misguides who think I’m too proud), in the hopes I’d see the light and would soften up a little. To that, I laugh. I am as soft as people come and MONEY has nothing at all to do with my harshness. Definitely not HAVING it, speaking of past life experience.

Money buys you social distancing

Money, to me, is simply a tool for freedom from people you don’t love. What it does for you, is the ability to PAY the people you despise to stay the fuck away from you. You can either buy them a house somewhere away from you, you can PAY THEM to stay away from you, (while smelling like roses), you can give them a good job somewhere away from you, again, while smelling like roses, OR you can simply buy yourself the kind of locks and security that will keep assholes off of your doorstep. THAT is what I want money for. To keep people I loathe away from me.

Curiously, obviously, assholes are only interested in you when you have money. This is excluding those people who know you have a habit and a knack of making money in most of your lifetimes, and all they have to do is to keep their taps on you until they can sink their teeth and claws onto your wallet.

Decades ago, I swore I’d pay back my mom’s money

In the 90’s, I asked to go to a music school that my parents had to pay quite a lot of money for – by our country’s standards. Most schools in Finland are free or at least mostly paid by the government, but this one wasn’t. It was only a year, but I really, really wanted to go, and they agreed. Even then, the education wasn’t really great. I wound up suing the school for not providing the same attention for singers as they provided for students who played an instrument, but I was advised the suit would probably not carry any good and I might wind up with a bill for the legal counseling, too, so I dropped it. I just really wanted to recover my parent’s money. Practically, my mother’s money.

I swore, in my mind, I’d pay my mom back. Partly, because I was ashamed for asking for that school, partly because I knew I also didn’t put in my 100% regardless, and finally, that I really don’t want to owe anyone anything… Particularly not my mother.

To this day, I haven’t been able to pay her back. Having said that, the way we’ve interacted in spirit, I’m more likely to rob her old stinking corpse blind than pay back anything I owe.

The reason for my disgruntlement…

My mom, in spirit, as mothers and people with a high stake on your life can do, has been monitoring my feelings. We can mostly identify each other’s feelings but not necessarily the source of them, particularly if we’re not very empathic people, like my mom. She’s very sympathetic, which means she projects a lot. Therefore, my ill feelings during that school, to her, meant that I wasn’t HAPPY with what she’d given me and that I was UNSATISFIED she didn’t do more for me. In reality, I was unsatisfied with the way the school operated, but not because of HER! How could she have known? I picked the school. I begged for it… And I felt ill knowing how much money they were spending to keep me there.

Now that I think of it, it wasn’t THAT BAD, it was just much more than what I wanted to ask for. Equivalent to 100 Euros a week, maybe but back in the day it FELT like more money as we were still using Markka, rather than Euro which FELT like more. Perceived value, and all. I paid a good lot of it myself from money people gave me as graduation presents, but it only covered about one semester, which is, in itself, a huge lot of money – just goes to show how effin’ pampered I’ve been my whole youth. White privilege, no. Scandinavian upper-middle-class privilege for certain.

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