Relationship checklist: Red Flags and Greenlights

There are a few early warning signs to look out for in a new relationship. Some are there from the start, but there’s a danger that all these warnings will actually scare you off your one true love, too, so you will have to know how to compare the feelings involved. So you know, “the Normal Person*” is, kind of, code for “a narcissist”, but I don’t want to use that term for a reason. In this post, I’ll call a spade a spade.

I’ll do ANYTHING for you

A big warning sign in early on in a relationship (speaking days or a couple of weeks in), your new partner tells you how much they are willing to do for you. While this may not be a sign of narcissism, it’s possible that it is. It’s a red flag for sure. A narcissist will give you expectations of bliss and happiness, in the air of “if you stay with me, I will make you the happiest man or woman in this world…” They won’t tell you what it will cost you, yet, and they actually will never DELIVER on that promise but they will aim to make you LOOK LIKE the happiest person in this world, which, to them, is the exact same thing as “being happy”. They don’t care what is on the inside, what matters is what is on the outside, so you MAY find yourself in a relationship that is rotten to the core on the inside, but on the outside, everything is pristinely beautiful.

Laying down the groundwork

Charming your friends and family

Narcissists** will do a LOT for you from day one. They will DEMONSTRATE how much they can be of use to you, how helpful, how charming, how perfect they can be for you. They will work on you friends and your family to make themselves loved and admired by your close circles. They want to impress people near you, so they’ll make themselves a part of your life as fast as possible and thus difficult to throw out. They will make sure your friends will talk sense to you when you attempt to leave them. This might also be a genuine interest to get to know you, but narcissists do this early on and possibly without your agreement. They will also easily introduce you to their child (if they have one) and then claim that this child is already so attached to you that you’ll make them “lose another dad” if you leave. (If you leave, they’ll keep the kid well away from you even if you try to be the dad she or he lost before. After all, they need that child to reel in the next smuck.)

Normally, people want to know if the relationship is going anywhere before they get entangled with your relatives and friends, particularly your children. Most people are fine with hanging out with your friends rather early on, but are wary of meeting your family until your bonded deeper. However, if your new partner goes out of their way to smooch your friends… Don’t be impressed. Be scared. In that case, use your friends to see what the new person’s intentions are. And consider it a red flag if they’re looking for problems to solve among your friends – to create DEBT that you all have to pay back later.

They will TAKE the role they want, not wait for your offer

Narcissists** are not coy to call themselves “your girlfriend” or “boyfriend” without asking you. A normal person may eventually slip it out and then blush as they reveal their thoughts, but a narcissist will do this without hesitation as a matter of fact. No apologies or “is it OK for me to consider myself your significant other?” Some may be brash enough to update the title to “a fiance” without waiting for a proposal, to signal that it is time for you to propose already.

They may also talk about marriage in a matter-of-fact tone, without ever going “oh, wait…?” But this one is tricky, because so will your True Emotion Mirror. They ALSO see it easily as a given that you’ll be married one day, but you will feel awesome about it rather than rushed into it. With a narcissist, you will feel this “wait, what?” feeling a lot. You feel like you’re missing a few beats in the relationship, and you feel that “they know how to do serious relationships” and you’re just too inexperienced at it to follow. (How exactly did they get experienced in how to get into serious relationships fast and effectively especially if they hail themselves to be a monogamist and not a serial monogamist? This is not about experience, I’m saying. Getting into serious relationships SHOULD not be a “oh I’ve done this a million times, let me just show you the ropes” sort of thing.)

If you’re suspicious, try to leave or end the relationship early

You are never free to leave, either, if you try, they will throw some massive scene, they will call you names, they will threaten to ruin you or your family, they threaten to “tell everybody”. Sooner or later, you’ll be ready to take that risk, but it will take you some time.

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