Even the most irritating people maybe just trying to tell you they love you.

This is something of an FYI post. This does not mean that you’d necessarily be all excited about the idea these people love you, but it may help you to get rid of them if you need to.

There are people who express their love with hate and criticism. It’s kind of like loving you so much that they’d rather express the smallest of things they hate about you or the smallest of flaws they find in you rather than waste time praising you.

Not long ago, a friend of mine posted a recording of his daughter singing. Usually, I hate these recordings because they tend to be pretty awful, but you’re still obligated to praise them, right? This time, this chick was freaking perfect. Whenever I hear a REALLY GOOD singer, I start counting their errors because the small number of errors makes the difference between a good singer and a great singer. One of her high notes was SLIGHTLY flat, and another note she didn’t sing to perfection, but it could have been put down to a style choice. I tried to make it clear she is INCREDIBLE, but I am not sure they took it that way, but I had to point out the errors because it was pointless to exclaim how perfect she was. But the errors were there.

Nobody is flawless, right? While some of us seek perfection, others feel that if they can find your flaw, they can find your HUMANITY, and thus, they have the permission to love you more than those who believe you to be perfect. Still, even those of us who seek perfection understand that even perfection is flawed; it’s just that the flaws are either minor or the right, exciting ones.

Those of us who not only strive for perfection and seek perfection in others don’t usually find it flattering when somebody goes out of their way to pick flaws – without explaining how insignificant the flaws are in comparison to the perfection they are. It may be taken as “cutting people down,” but it isn’t, depending on the person doing it and the person hearing it.

the Idealists* need to hear about a thousand compliments for criticism. Still, the Survivalist* tend to skip this part because they think everyone who “hangs around long enough” is lovable by default, and they don’t understand a situation where you’ve known somebody for a while and not love them… And they assume it goes both ways. If you’re not picking a flaw in them, too, they think you think they’re perfect. If you’re picking a flaw in them, they think you’re trying to point it out to them that you are both flawed and, thus, can relax around each other.

Therefore, the Idealists* and the Survivalist* pick flaws in a completely different motivations. The Idealists* may be trying to say, “I think you’re so good that picking a flaw might prove to you that I do see your flaws, I CAN give you objective feedback,” or to say, “you are so full of flaws, why would you ever think I love you?!” the Survivalist* try to say: “I can see your flaws, but I am still here; you don’t have to try so hard or fear that I’ll leave you,” or to say, “we are equal, you and I, and we should marry.”

If a Idealists* keeps piling on flaws of the Survivalist*to tell them, “I’m so over you, quit trying, fuck off, leave me alone, you’re so over your head here…” the Survivalist*will, instead, hear “I am so full of self-confidence issues, that I will have to try and pick you apart so that I could feel like I could, for a second, measure up to you…”

So how to tell the Survivalist*you don’t love them:

(As in, how to break the bond to a karmic soulmate. Much harder than you’d think.)

1. Spend as little time as you can with them.
2. Give them as little attention as you can, and when you HAVE TO interact with them (like when picking up the kids), avoid eye contact and fill the air with peppy small talk, but don’t give them the option to say anything important to you. If they start, leave the room with a quick excuse or pull up your phone to check something and hush them up.
3. Do not talk about anything serious; don’t try to “clear the air” or to “get closure”; they’d think you’re still hung up on them.
4. NEGOTIATE your freedom. This is probably the best way, but also the hardest and most ballsey way to deal with them: Talk to them straight, with a serious, low tone: You need them to give you a divorce/breakup; it must go amicably; it cannot cause drama/scandal; how do you do it? Remember not to give them everything you can and leave only important things on the table; you want some negotiation room and give them victories that don’t matter to you for the show only. If the only thing on the table is the custody of your kids, you won’t make a good deal.

Subscribe to get a Daily Message