Inspired by a topic request on age difference between True Mirrors, I take the topic and widen it a little bit to cover the Undecided Mirror Judgement Phase that comes with value challenges. Spirit Mirror relationships often challenge one or several of your values and “partner quality check lists”. Some of them, we are holding steady on, some of them, we realise is not really an issue. A lot of the times, these values are not very smartly ordered, such as “I will date a married man, but will never touch a guy who is an inch shorter than I am!” Yes, indeed I am one of those women. Although initially these things can cause a problem, there is always a way to overcome them, and here are some suggestions as to how to change your own ideals about a quality or situation that you might be in, creating an alignment of wants. This should never be about guilting yourself into wanting someone despite their qualities but to finding a way to love each of their qualities. Remember that you are not meant to overcome all of these, you are simply being asked if this matters to you and how much, and if it matters too much for you to be satisfied with this partner, you have to accept it and move on – a new candidate will be marched in front of you in about 2 weeks flat. Nobody will show up for as long as you are still trying to work out your issues with the previous one, you’re given all the time in the world to smooth the road with the one you want until you no longer want them. (Can you imagine someone better? If you can, this is not your ultimate True Mirror, but let’s try this anyway, shall we:)

Age difference

A younger True Mirror will easily find it difficult to accept a large age difference due to the physical changes in (more likely) his body. You know that in a few year’s time, you will be the one nursing them into their twilight years, and what you have now will slowly slow down, ease up and wither, due to the very course of nature. Is it possible to love someone who you will likely bury in just a couple of decades and who knows what ailments will come to you before that? It is not difficult however, to move your attention to the experience that they have as a person and to love the life that they had and adore them for every year they spent becoming the person that they became. Because you cannot live those years together, as the younger Mirror, you should ask them to share their life stories with you in detail, so that you can live through them together in that way. Letting go becomes a process to start early on, although there’s a few good years left in them yet, hopefully, and you should grasp every day of it like it was your last. Find the beauty in his body, that shows every battle, every light and every dark that they have ever faced, and adore the life he has written on his face and body.

For the older True Mirror, oddly enough the most difficult age difference is often not decades apart but only one or two of them apart. It is often difficult for a guy to love  a girl much younger than they are, due to the difference in experience, her naivety and childishness. He might also struggle with the societal view on him, as he seems like the classic example of a man who traded in his wife for a young hottie – whether this was at all true or not, strangers in the street would look at him funny with assumptions of all kinds. And, mature or not, they still have to face their mate’s scorn over that 20-year old hottie, who they all find incredibly hot but also naive. An older man may also be in the place in his life, where his kids are FINALLY out of the house or just a couple of years away from it, and the last thing he wants is to start over with someone younger. Even if kids had never been discussed, they assume that is something that comes up sooner rather than later if they start a relationship with you. Also, what is difficult for a younger person to ever understand and accept, their age is not only a number: Experience and age-learned grace are attractive qualities that many older men value a lot more than what we give them credit for. However, none of us is here for the first time, and the older Mirror can easily dig out the deep thinking and world-wise part of their Mirror’s soul should they so wish. This requires conversation more than anything, and for the younger Mirror to accept that they need to age up a little, and for the older Mirror to perhaps loosen up a bit and get off his high horse.

Height challenge

Since this is very much a vanity thing, I’ll share this little thought about short men and tall women that may help you get over this one: If an attractive woman is seen with a short man, this must mean one or two things: He’s either very well endowed, or he’s loaded! To play with the stereotypes, wear high heels with him, and strut your stuff and make it abundantly clear that this man has something all women would want yet they are not smart enough to have seen it. Whenever you are out with him, glow pride about him, as if all good things came in pocket size. 😉

Weight problems

This one is a double edged sword, because there is a clear health risk involved, and you don’t exactly want to encourage over-eating and lack of exercise in your partner by “accepting them” as they are, even if you yourself were able to overlook the matter. However, often love despite one’s flaws is an inspiration in itself to start taking better care of oneself and seeing one’s own value in another person’s life, when weight no longer is as much about vanity as it is about health and self-respect. When we think about weight as only a vanity issue, it is very difficult to motivate oneself to get to work, because we associate it with the acceptance that “I cannot be loved as a fatty”. That is a very depressing thought and not exactly the idea you want to get to work with – but often is the highest of motivators of the people who go to the gym.

We also struggle with the guilt of not accepting a heavy weight Mirror of ours, if we don’t. However, in some of us, vanity is such a high motivator in all areas of life, that a person with no or low vanity simply isn’t their Ultimate True Mirror.  A part of the process of becoming one’s authentic self is to accept one’s own flaws and vanity; even ugliness can be protected by vanity: “I would never be as shallow as to think I need to be thin as a rake to be loved” is a vain statement in itself. Better choose what you want to be vain about. More about weight here.

Physical looks and impairments

Although your looks won’t be enough to stop the chemistry, it will come an issue during the Judgement Phase if one of you puts a great value on physical beauty. This is a level up from weight problems that are usually solvable, but if in addition one of you is simply physically unattractive, that is something that won’t change even given enough motivation and work. Similar problem arises with physical impairments that are non-curable. Although it may seem harsh, this is a question whether or not you trust that this is not an issue AT ALL in your relationship, otherwise it may become a painful point of continual guilt and resentment in the relationship. If you don’t think you can be completely happy with a person, don’t force the issue.

Marriage to someone else

This is one major question about your values, and don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging but it is a big question. Which do you find most romantic: Your Mirror leaves their spouse for you. You love your Mirror unconditionally despite of the fact they will stay married to their spouse until death them part. You have a secret love relationship that nobody ever finds out about (and nobody gets hurt). While still in love with your Mirror, another, stronger one comes along and shows you the true meaning of love.

Given the fact that people have more than one True Mirror and that this means yours might be married to theirs, and that each one of us has a free will, I would pay due note of any feelings of entitlement or ownership towards your married True Mirror. Having said that, I have no qualms about people who offer their True Mirror a chance of true happiness despite the other one being married. This situation needs careful consideration, and selfishness and entitlements must be carefully considered and worked through.

Income levels

This is a question of feelings of shame for both parties. To be seen with someone from a different income level or socio-economic background can cause a lot of embarrassment to both of you. You are combating the view of other people; Your own kind wasn’t good enough for you or you just couldn’t find someone from your own status. Even if nobody says anything, you can always imagine them to, and that can be even worse because you can’t defend one another and your love for each other.

How to make this okay for yourself? Try not to guilt yourself into accepting the differences, but rather try to identify the real issue why you have ill feelings about the situation and address them. Often it doesn’t take much more than realizing that damned, I’m ashamed of the way they make me look; and I don’t want MYSELF reflecting poorly on them, either!

Difference in intelligence

This to me is a real problem, but it may not be so for all people. I feel that unless you actually have a thing for this, I’m not sure how good your chances are of making this work, but this is my bias, clearly. However, sometimes people do LOVE this difference, because it gives them just that imbalance and inequality that makes mutually exciting erotic power games possible.

“Player” behaviour

This freaks out every Undecided (true or partial?) Spirit Mirror on the planet I guess, even a hint of a “player” will send them all running for their lives unfortunately. This is not what you’d think though, it is simply the belief that the player would NEVER settle for one person and definitely not on the one in question. The clue here is this: No player is made of stone, and even they have a weak spot for their True Mirror – a MAJOR weak spot. And, unlike you’d think, a lot of “players” play because they are true romantics and HATE the idea of a normal, everyday boring Partial Mirror settlement and compromise. They will play the field for as long as they find someone who has it what it takes to tame them, but they will not easily put strings on you because they appreciate freedom too much. That doesn’t mean they’d cheat – once they find the one they are looking for, there is no more need for it… Unless they are polyandrous or polygynous, which is then a point where you need to figure out whether you are, too.

The Judgement (evaluation) Phase

The meaning of the Judgement Phase is to ask you to evaluate what is important to you and what is not, it is gone through by all but True and Healing Mirrors, and Undecided Personality Mirrorswho will turn to True Mirrors the result of the judgement will be along the lines: “I love everything about you, even the thing I thought I couldn’t live with!” True Mirrors get a giddy feeling about the “flaws” like they were doing something deliciously naughty with their partner, whilst others simply compromise. With Partial Mirrors the conclusion is either: “I can live with that but I still don’t like it” or “I can’t live with that.” This phase is the cause of running and chasing (undecided), and although everything else aligned, a seemingly small issue may come between you in this phase and it may stay that way. If your value is that “looks don’t count” and theirs is the opposite, then, you two are only Partial Mirrors and both of you can find better matches elsewhere. Sometimes however, an adjustment in other values may overcome this situation, one of the most important ones is a sift from monogamy to polygamyORpolygynandry¹. For instance, a developmental disorder or very old age might be an absolute deal breaker in monogamy, but in polygamyORpolygynandry² not as much of an issue. To have a group of lovers take care of one of your weakest will not be nearly as much an issue as it is in monogamy.

The Judgement Phase could be also named evaluation phase, but in all honesty it feels like judgement sometimes, but whichever form it takes, it is the process of deciding whether this is going to happen or not. Note that the Fear Phase, although also cause for running is not the same as the Judgement Phase – True Mirrors go through a Fear Phase, where as Undecided Mirrors go through a Judgement /evaluation Phase, both of which, admittedly, have similarities between them. This phase is present in all love relationships, even between people who have the potential of becoming True Mirrors, but also Partial Mirrors: “Okay, the chemistry is there, the absolute love is there but we have no intellectual interests… How important is this to you compared to physical connection.. Or vice versa?” Every time you say decide that “I think it’s very important my partner and I share all that AND have the same interests” you will be shown a new True or Undecided Spirit Mirror with a new set of questions and answers.

1. Depending on context. Some time ago, I used the term polygamy to mean either the generic concept of polygamous marriage or a MM+FF+ -type marriage or poly-committed relationship. ↩

2. Depending on context. Some time ago, I used the term polygamy to mean either the generic concept of polygamous marriage or a MM+FF+ -type marriage or poly-committed relationship. ↩

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