Abusive and Toxic relationships

When is it True Mirror abuse and when is it not?

Unfortunately this topic cannot be avoided. True Emotion Mirror relationships can look toxic on the surface, but sometimes what looks like True Emotion Mirror abuse isn’t such, and even if it is, it has to be dealt with. As a Savants*, you probably want to know that the True Emotion Mirror is quite capable of flipping your alignment…

Why people hold onto toxic relationships?

a Savants* abusing the Normal Person* abusing a Savants*

If there is ever a time the Normal Person* is going to latch onto a Savants*, that would be when either one of them is down somehow. A Normal Person* and the Savants* rarely get into a relationship in any other situation than when a Savants* is truly out of options to choose from. This is very likely a temporary situation, but when they are feeling lonely all of the sudden, they may feel quite confronted by suddenly feeling unpopular and unwanted, and that’s when the Normal Person* can relate and also feels confident enough to approach. The Savants* is feeling sad and lonely, perhaps for the first time in their lives and don’t know how to not be surrounded by people who are waiting to be their friend, and that’s when the Normal Person* is a friend indeed.

the Normal Person* love you for your weaknesses, the Savants* love you for your strengths. That is a fundamental difference in thinking and forming friendships, and although the Savants* don’t abandon you when you are down, they simply don’t enjoy your company as much as they do when you are feeling good about yourself. The Normal Person* feel weird around people who are doing exceptionally well, they feel that no normal person has everything under control and therefore they feel you are hiding your weaknesses from them and they are constantly trying to dig out your problems in order to feel connected to you. To a Savants*, this feels like a constant attack, and a constant attempt to shoot them at their wings. In a way, the whole idea of the Normal Person* shooting at the Savants*’s wings is an apt one: They want to shoot down the Savants* who would otherwise fly away from them. However, when they “shoot” they really only want to convince the Savants* to accept help, but to a Savants* it feels like they are deliberately tying their healthy wings down so they can’t fly and call this love.

Therefore, the only time a the Normal Person* can really latch onto a Savants* is when the Savants* is down on their luck. This is because the Savants*, although always ready to help the Normal Person* (within limits) they like their space, and will quickly move on after they feel the Normal Person* has gotten off to a good start or has become a complete pest with constant need of help and affection. When the Savants* is down and the Normal Person* comes in for a rescue, the Savants* is facing a moral dilemma. They already KNOW they are friends with the Normal Person* for false pretences because they wouldn’t normally make friends just to benefit from the other person, and they know that in normal circumstance they would not let the Normal Person* too close, but in this case, if the situation drags on, they will have to explain to themselves why this particular the Normal Person* is different, (not that they’d use the term) and why is it that they are allowing the friendship or relationship go forth even though… That would require the Savants* to “edit” the Normal Person* in their minds, giving the Normal Person* positive traits they can value that the Normal Person* do not really possess. This is DIFFERENT to giving compliments to the Normal Person*. An Savant* is quick to point out any positive traits in anyone because they love successful people and they love to both give and receive compliments, and this is nothing to them but “being nice”. What this means is that they convince themselves that this person is worth their while in a deeper relationship than just a casual conversation. Mind you, that when a Savants* makes conversation, it may feel to the Normal Person* like a deep connection while the Savants* is still having a chit chat… So what to a Savants* feels like a casual friendship, to the Normal Person* is a start of a life-long commitment to an alliance. (Therefore a word of advice to the Savants*: Don’t be friendly to the Normal Person* you are likely/in danger to meet again, they take that as an intent to form a permanent alliance. Be as cool as you can and pay as little attention to them on an individual level as you can stomach. That’ll hurt their feelings less than realizing that you didn’t deeply care about them to begin with, as they do not expect attention from strangers, but when they get it, they take it as a sign that you want to be real friends with them for the rest of your life if situation would allow.)

When a Savants* is ready to move on, they will start putting more distance between themselves and their the Normal Person* friend. Because a Savants* is quick to let go of people, they expect others to “take a hint” and leave them be, the same as they would. The trouble is that a Savants* and the Normal Person* look at friendships differently, and they behave differently amongst people. The Savants* love to give praise and receive praise, and when they are amongst friends, they like to tell nice things to one another, even if they have to dig out the nicest things about the most mundane of people. They like to compliment people and build people up. Whilst they are with you, they figure they might as well make you feel better about yourself and give you all the attention and guidance you need to help you in your life. They do this without any expectation that this friendship is going to be long lasting, but for the Normal Person*, this is a sign of absolute undying devotion and love, which is why they are likely to latch onto the Savants* like they were an absolute true friend.

Even though the Savants* had to be down for them to start a relationship or friendship with the Normal Person*, they still feel much stronger than the Normal Person* often feels, because in all reality, all they need from people is their company, not their whole lives. They can enjoy people’s company and helping them out in their lives without any intention to stick around. The Normal Person*, however, is slow to trust people but the Savants* is so unconcerned about their own “secrets” and bonds so easily to them that the Normal Person* feels it’s safe to commit to this relationship or friendship. In reality the Savants* hasn’t told you any of their secrets, they don’t really have any, they can tell you their entire life story, warts and all, without a second thought, because nothing of it is shameful, embarrassing or confusing to them (apart from one thing: They need love, but not from just anyone, they need the love of another the Savants*, and the Normal Person* simply won’t do, and this is the one secret they won’t part with easily, not in any company). In a Savants* group, it is normal to talk about everything under the Sun, and as it is so, they feel that interacting with the Normal Person* on their level is usually terrifyingly boring because they never talk about anything important or interesting, as in the stuff the Normal Person* consider “secrets”, so when the Savants* fills up the silent parts by talking about themselves, in their mind they’re chit-chatting, but to the Normal Person* it sounds like complete disclosure of secrets making them feel very important, trusted and valued. Ironically, the Savants* may also share more secrets with the Normal Person* acquittance than what they ever would with a Savants* friend, because they quite arrogantly believe the Normal Person* lacks the ability to fully understand what they are being told (similar to trusting your secrets to a dog) or that even if the Normal Person* would understand what they’re being told, their opinion about the matter doesn’t really count anyway.

The tighter the Normal Person* takes a hold, the quicker the Savants* is going to freak out and want out of the relationship – and if this is a romantic bond, they really need to make a move because they have to find someone else, someone with whom they can level with. This is where an Enigma bond is likely to form if the Normal Person* doesn’t understand the Savants*’s need to move on. If the relationship keeps going, the Savants* is likely to turn a bit nasty toward the Normal Person*. They start pushing them away in many ways; first giving them excuses about why they can’t see you, just to give you a hint that the relationship is about to end, perhaps expecting you to just stop calling or to tell him that well you’re not about to be waiting around for his or her call, so you can just stuff it. When this doesn’t happen, they up the anti, starting to treat you worse and worse as time goes on.

This relationship rarely goes on too far, like eventually the Savants* will call it quits if the Normal Person* doesn’t understand it quickly enough, but a version of each may happen:

The Savants* figures they’ve made enough of an effort to cut the ties, and since they’re not getting through to the Normal Person*, they’ll have to block them in every mode of communication to end the relationship. The Savants* may not have broken up with the Normal Person* officially, because to them the relationship may have not been long term or serious enough to require a breakup. To a Savants*, commitment isn’t automatic or to be taken for granted, promises need to be made, otherwise they do not believe that there is any reason to assume there is any type of an understanding between two people. For example, if you never called each other a boyfriend or girlfriend, a Savants* will deem this relationship to have been officially unofficial, and then them even calling to “break up with you” would be presumptuous on their part; they would feel like they are making big deal about themselves by doing so, like even if they’d just call you to say “we need to break up” they feel like they might just as well call you to say: “you know I know how awesome you think I am but you know, babes, this relationship has gone on long enough and frankly I’ve got better things to do with my time, sweetheart… Yeah, I may give you a call sometimes, or I may not so, see you around, yeah?” Only an absolute tosser would think that they’d be missed after a quick and meaningless relationship, so they might just attempt to allow it to cool down on it’s own.

If the Normal Person* doesn’t take the hint, the Savants* will get a mix of feelings about the situation. On other hand, this is annoying. On the other, it’s kind of… an ego boost. By now, the Normal Person* is getting so annoying, that even though at first they really liked them, now they’re thinking: “Oh man am I glad I dodged that bullet!” and they will start feeling a little bit of malicious joy for being able to hurt the Normal Person* who is chasing after them for no real reason. The Savants* is likely to categorize the Normal Person* into the “nut job” category, and as such, it no longer matters much what they say to you, as long as they can live with themselves afterwards. So they balance the fine line of how cruel they will allow themselves to get with the Normal Person*, and depending on your culture, this can range from down right malicious cruelty to underhanded jibes that you feel but can’t really explain.

This can get interesting because the Savants* can enjoy the opportunity to hurt the Normal Person* with a semi-good reason: Self defence, or defence of his or her boundaries and freedom. On the other hand, the Normal Person*, who in this case would have to be either a woman or a homosexual due to the possible circumstances that their soul has developed, the Grounded woman feels that this is a type of foreplay to a romantic relationship or friendship. Because in history women have been living a sheltered boring life in the confinements of their homes while the men have put themselves in real danger, they use emotional abuse as a form of entertainment and for the adrenalin rush that men got outside the home. When the Savants* starts to shoot arrows at the Grounded female to create a distance, she reacts in a complete opposite way. This is also the reason why men regard women cruel and why women fear men physically; to a fethe Savants* the body is sacred, to a Savants* emotions are sacred. An Savant* (whether they are a female or male), in order to trust their partner, need to know their feelings are safe, a fethe Savants*, in order to trust their partner, needs to know her body is safe. Male-thinkers love physical pain, female-thinkers get high on emotional pain.

However, a Savants* will not come back for more if you stop contacting them. They will only attack as “self-defense” to keep you at an acceptable distance, and they will not keep tormenting you for fun afterwards. That’s the Normal Person* stuff. (More on that below.) They may of course talk to you on an occasion, but they will not attempt to rekindle the relationship or friendship, they will want to keep it cool and just be civil, if you need to be in any contact at all. They will also be likely to feel bad about lashing out at the Normal Person* on an occasion, so they may genuinely apologies, but that does NOT mean the same as “let’s get back together again” it simply means: “hey I’m sorry about the way things ended, let’s just put this behind us and move on, yes?” The Normal Person* is likely to interpret this as “nothing was ever wrong really and we can resume the relationship as if nothing bad ever happened.” They will resume contact, start emailing the Savants* on a daily basis or visit constantly or whatever else happened before, completely forgetting the Savants*’s wish to end the relationship. What the Savants* really just wanted to do was to clear the “bad karma” and move on – without the Normal Person*.

I had a friend like this once. (After I should have known better.) I invited her over once on a Wednesday, and that to her meant EVERY Wednesday from there on. I swear to God I never once implied that the invitation was intended for every Wednesday following, but there she was, like clock work, at my door every Wednesday. (I know she’s quite an extreme case even in the realm of the Normal Person*.) So, when I finally told her that the invitation wasn’t intended for every Wednesday and that I didn’t like her walking into my home and starting cleaning it up like it was her own and other various topics, we had a bit of a cry and a bit of a hug and agreed that we now both knew where each of us stood and all was good.

All was good… Which to her meant: The conversation never took place… At all.

A Normal Person* tends to trust that the Savants* is only ever lashing out at them for no reason and that they do not, in reality, deserve such treatment. They believe that the Savants*’s anger isn’t really about the Normal Person*, but something or someone else and the Team member only has the unfortunate role of being the one who the Savants* takes their anger out of. They figure that the Savants* “is stressed” and is only transferring negative feelings onto someone they can trust and know won’t go away, and thinking that makes them feel strong and angelic. To them, withstanding other people’s miss treatment like a boss is a sign of a great character, true love and self-sacrifice, and that once the Savants* would get over whatever they are going through, they would come back and apologize and all would be fine again.

And since the Savants* hate petty fights and being at odds with people because they do consider themselves adults, they tend to apologize. The Normal Person* takes this as a victory, now they feel all superior and like they got what they deserved, now they are finally appreciated and being treated right, and they can resume normal activities… That will start the cycle once again, until the Savants* learns to not apologize to them because all apologies will, to the Normal Person* mean: “I didn’t mean any of the stuff I said before” but they did – they just didn’t want to hurt the Normal Person*, they simply wanted to stop the Normal Person* from hurting them by being constantly involved or in their face when they were no longer welcome. What they apologized for was for hurting them, for making the Normal Person* feel bad, or rather that the situation had come to the point where they had no choice but to tell them blatantly something that to the Normal Person* was awfully cruel, but it was not ever meant to be taken as: “I didn’t mean anything I said, please resume calling me 5 times a day and stopping me from seeing other people and generally being in my face 24/7.” The apology means: “I think enough time has passed that we are both emotionally ready to let the wounds heal and continue not being friends but hopefully hold no bad feelings toward one another.” (The concept of not being a friend with someone you are not mad at and you know the name of is kind of unfamiliar ground to you the Normal Person*, but please try to grasp the idea theoretically, yeah?)

The fact is though, that there is probably a lot of things that the Savants* does love about their the Normal Person* friend, but the Normal Person* is simply moving into a commitment way, way too fast for the Savants*, who, in turn did give the Normal Person* reason to believe there was something in this… Because there was. And, I must tell you I did go into a complete the Normal Person* mode with my True Emotion Mirror, whom is also a Savants*. He gave me a flash of green light (he was being friendly) and I though “yippee, let’s bring this baby home!” and practically proposed to him the next chance I got. The thing is that he was still feeling his way into the relationship, or friendship, even, and I was already way, way ahead of him. Ironically, I think it was me who pushed him away initially, without realizing, so… At any rate, he had to slam the doors closed again, but luckily, or unfortunately, I took the hint too quickly, and kept my distance way too efficiently for too long, until “we started talking again” and the same thing happened. I do believe the feelings are there, but I simply have to / had to learn to cool it, and so do you, kids. True Emotion Mirror runner / chaser dynamic is, thus, essentially the exact same thing, but with the difference that the True Emotion Mirror wants to ease into the relationship and they both want the same distance to one another, but a normal Enigma pair is uneven in the distance that they want toward one another. In both cases, the runner wants a relationship with the chase, BUT the chaser NEEDS TO HEAR what the other is saying exactly! In my True Mirror case, I didn’t hear that he was saying that he didn’t believe I really loved him, that he believed I only wanted him for his looks (yeah, he’s THAT good looking in actual reality), and that I thought that he was some kind of a ‘prince charming’ when in fact he was not. I should have stopped to listen, but I simply thought “why would he think that, of course I love him, he’s perfect, he doesn’t really mean that, he must be saying he thinks I’m shallow and because I am shallow he doesn’t want me – how do I prove to him I’m not a shallow air head when he doesn’t even want to talk to me because of it?” So the golden rule here is, whatever the situation; STOP, LISTEN, HEAR what they are saying to you and take note. In your hurry to “tie the knot” you’re not hearing any objecteons, and I understand, but they are there, and you need to start listening. What are the conditeons that aren’t met? What do they need from you? With my friends, I needed more space from them in order to be in a friendship with them at all, and in my True Mirror’s case, he needed to know I truly loved him for who he was, not for who I thought he was, some kind of an arbitrary image I had in my head. I still haven’t got the foggiest idea how to tell him exactly how much I love him and why.

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