About/to my mother

Yesterday, I was writing a draft of a type of a goodbye post and I wrote a message to everyone else but my family… That of course offends my mother, when I figured writing a public post for my family members to say good bye to them would be a little weird – even more weird than the entire post to begin with.

The irony is, I couldn’t tell her any of this face to face if I tried, if I would say a word, she would think I’m weird, over-dramatic and attention-hungry and “going through a phase” like it was some kind of a choice I can make. “Oh no, I’ll just skip this phase because, you know, it’s inconvenient to my mum.”

She keeps telling me to “let the anger out” as in “shout at me” like she was begging for a punishment for her sins. All she should do is to fuck off and leave me alone, but she insists that she deserves some kind of a punishment for being a bad mother. Fuck. Well. Let’s give her one.

I am not going to publish this, just that, it feels more real writing it in my blog, in English, because the Finnish email approach wouldn’t do. I already did one of those, she made a thousand excuses about why this wasn’t relevant, and hey, I’ve written a thousand posts about our difficult relationship and everyone is already bored sick of it, most of all me.

So she stopped carrying me around everywhere when I was 2.

She thinks that was a decision she should be punished for the rest of her life.

And I have. and I will.

I won’t be going to her funeral. That should give her punishment enough. I hope she will stay alive long enough for me to make enough money to actually attend to her funeral and choose not to go.

I would simply wind up making one of these speeches at her grave site: “you never loved me, you always judged me, may your corpse rot in hell.”

Let the anger out.

How about let the fucking guilt out. Admit to it. Admit that you think you are the worst mum in the history of the Universe.

Fuck, maybe you are.

Stop punishing me because you are feeling guilty! Stop hanging onto me like a guilt ridden… you. I am done with your guilt and shame. GO away.

You can’t fix it and I won’t forgive you so stop asking.

I won’t lower my standards for a mother. I deserved better. So much better. You are right to feel guilty, but stop begging for my forgiveness, you don’t deserve it. Go hide in a cave somewhere, bow your head in shame if that makes you feel better, or dance your life away drinking and whoring for all I care, you still have a few good years left in you yet.

Deal with it yourself. I tried to help you and lower the bar for us to talk so low that a 25 year pregnant old shetland pony would have been able to clear it while carrying a full grown man, too. No, Not you. You would rather climb a wall to a fortress to get away from me, rather than try and talk to me. Fuck that then. You are free from my expectations, I will no longer expect anything from you, other than backstabbing and betrayal and sneaky, shady behavior.

You would do anything for me, anything that anyone else told you to. If someone told you to sell me for gold, because that is what is done with pretty girls like me, you would do it. You would sell my husband and my child to be murdered if someone told you it was the done thing, because nothing ever means more to you than “what is done” the “right way of being”…. Authority. It is best for me that you do not  know where I am and with whom I am. You are the biggest danger I face in this world. You and your handsmen.

perhaps your only loving deed you’ve ever done was to insist I see you for who you are before you vanish. So I can cut all ties to you and kill all respect, admiration and love I ever felt for you. Maybe the punishment you seek is not about this life time but all the others. You and your need to hurt me.

I don’t care. I won’t let you hurt me anymore, mum. Who knows, maybe I went mad, but whatever it did,, it released me off you and that is the best result I could hope for. All I ever wanted was to be free of you.

Just don’t spoil that kid. If you do any harm on that kid I will destroy you, and you know that is real. Don’t test me. This is not an invitation for organising more reasons for me to punish you and you to get off on it, this is actually me telling you not to harm the boy. Just do somethign right by someone. Love someone like you meant it. And if you can’t don’t pretend to. When the kid forms his first opinion that isn’t in alignment with yours, fuck the hell out of his life. Or argue with him, but don’t make him a slave to your guilt and fear.

I don’t know if I care about the girl enough to make threats on her account. I’d rather you didn’t fuck her up, either. Just please try your darnest to be a human. A lot to ask, really. Just be… Decent. Just… Try be decent. That’s all I am asking.

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