So you tried to behave like relationship advice describes, still, no love?

There is TONS AND TONS of relationship advice out there. From dating tips to cheesy pickup lines, and still, we find ourselves struggling with relationships. This is one of the most widespread misunderstandings about how relationships work: People think that by changing your external behavior, you can change your relationships, when, in reality, this doesn’t work. This advice is like asking you to dye and polish your sneakers expecting them to turn into a dress shoe.

When someone falls in love, they behave a certain way AUTOMATICALLY. Their habit of looking intently into the eyes of their lover is automatic, it happens as a result of this connection, the same as flirting with them a certain way, using a different tone of voice or what not. To tell someone, that to make someone fall in love with you by staring into their eyes for 3 minutes without blinking is like telling someone that if you force yourself to sweat in the company of the person you want, they will fall in love with you.

Which came first; the chicken or the egg?

People tend to want to spread the happiness they are experiencing, and therefore, they try and tell you how to make someone fall in love with you… Some people understand that you can’t MAKE anyone fall in love with anyone, and if you feel like relationship advice has worked for you, is because it actually gave you the confidence to be yourself, and that is more or less pot luck… Because what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another – unless the entire process starts from trying to figure out what WILL work for YOU, specifically. When people fall in love, they want to spread the happiness, as I said. When they get hurt, they want to warn others from getting hurt. And as well-intentioned as this is, they might do much more damage than what they are doing good… And we’ve been doing this all for so long we don’t even notice anymore when we are repeating same patterns that don’t work.

As a species, we have learned to teach each other how to DO THINGS. We taught each other how to make fire, by describing the events leading to the fire igniting. As a result of this exchange of knowledge we learned that if I tell you how I did this, you will be able to repeat the process for yourself.

Not so simple when it comes to relationships!

When it comes to relationships, along the lines of Carl Jung, I’d have to agree; relationships are like mixing chemicals together; each person their own compound. If you don’t know what you are mixing with what, you might get the sweetest of reaction… Or an explosion. Toxic fumes… You see what I am saying? With chemicals, things are still rather easy. With people… WAY more complicated. What we are also after, is a chain reaction, not just a reaction. The relationship, whether mono or poly, has to keep feeding itself, and it takes a lot more than advising you on how to turn your sneakers into dress shoes… And get away with it.

So. What most True Emotion Mirror teachers are doing before they even get to the relationship advice part is that they are DESCRIBING what happens when you find the perfect dress shoes, how to find them, how to identify the perfect pair, what you’re looking for, and how to make those shoes yours. Many True Emotion Mirror teachers never get past this point, they simply revel in the description of the perfect shoes, not how to actually make them yours. Then, as a result, people who read this take it for relationship advice rather than a description of it, and try to use it for instruction on what the shoe should look like and make whatever they’ve got match the description as closely as possible by force.

Also, most generic relationship advice out there is aimed for Trail Companions* to force their relationship into some kind of a functioning groove. It is based on the idea of compromise rather than fulfilling both (all) partner’s every need, so it is generally speaking not applicable to True Emotion Mirror advice. The motivation for most relationship gurus to do what they do is to train the opposite gender to become more like their actual True Emotion Mirror would be. So when you listen to them talk, they probably are hard at work training their Trail Companions* to turn into the image of their own True Emotion Mirror…. (In a monogamous mode.)

When reading True Emotion Mirror (and particularly my) relationship advice, this is the to do list:

1. Know that True Emotion Mirrors are NOT necessarily a recipe for a happy, long-lasting marriage. They are, however, a recipe for awesome sex – should you ever get brave enough to actually touch them, let alone kiss them!
2. Know that you have to first FIND a True Emotion Mirror before you can start working on that relationship. You CANNOT turn any love relationship into a True Emotion Mirror or True Emotion Mirror relationship. (Why? Because it either is, or it isn’t. By a theoretical chance, a former Trail Companion* may turn into a True Emotion Mirror by their OWN doing, but you cannot make them turn, that would be brutal.) You CAN expect to find a True Emotion Mirror in this lifetime, I personally do not believe in the “last incarnation only” theory, so it is not far fetched to believe this can happen to you one day – it just takes a delicate touch on The Law of The Truest Wish area (love manifestation) if you are consciously looking for a True Emotion Mirror.
3. It is tricky to consciously look for a True Emotion Mirror, because if you are knowingly looking for a True Emotion Mirror “or the right one”, you run A HIGH RISK of assigning that label to a Trail Companion* or even more likely to a Precious Soulmate*, because you are simply afraid of missing something. So you hang onto partners who are not a True Emotion Mirror, trying to convince yourself that they are and to justify your trust that they are. You need to be conscious of this, too, and not get into relationships that do not DRAW YOU IN. The people who have even a potential of becoming each other’s True Emotion Mirrors will be intriguing, enthralling, exciting… People who you can’t really stop thinking about or getting excited about every time you see them, because they are so… Incredible or alluring to you. “There is something in it!” is the feeling to follow. “Don’t know what it is about that person, but I just can’t… stop digging!”
4. The key to finding your True Emotion Mirror is to find yourself first. The key to making the connection work is to find yourself, first. If you are lost, he or she WILL reject you,  that is how this works. (Or you both have denied the same aspects about yourselves, that is also possible, but it’s like relying on picking the same lottery numbers.) For as long as you deny something about yourself (I don’t want to admit that to be true about me!!) you will also wind up rejecting them, because you won’t like that quality in them any more than you like it about yourself! You can deny or bury it all you want, but if it’s there, it’s there, and the only way out of it is to either fall in love with that trait about yourself and them, or work on yourself to make that trait not you anymore, which also makes your True Emotion Mirror to become a Trail Companion* to you, not a True Emotion Mirror. (He or she is  no longer a perfect match.) (Authenticity, authentic sexuality. These topics relate to the goal of discovering who you are in reality. And, no. We’re not talking along the lines of “you’re really an elf or a fairy” but that you might really not be an artist like you feel like you should be because your mum and dad both are, but are much happier being a baker.)
5. Figuring out communication problems and blatant misunderstandings in spirituality and psychology. There’s a lot of this, but it might not be too complicated between you and your True Emotion Mirror. It depends. To some, this takes a lot of time – for some, not too much. The closer to norm you feel you’d love to live, the easier it will be to figure this stuff out.
6. Understanding that you are UNIQUE. Especially if you are reading my blog, you’ll find me referencing polygamyORpolygynandry¹ over and over and over. I do this, becuase I wish someone had mentioned this when I was in my 20’s. I wish someone had told me that YOU DON’T HAVE TO reject all other men because you have to choose just one… This was a huge thing for me, personally, so I want to pass that on. Other True Emotion Mirrors will do the same on stuff that to them was huge. My stuff is still valid for monogamists, I only remind people that there are other ways this can go, just so you don’t think you CAN’T HAVE something because “it’s just not done”. So. You can have whatever it is that you are looking for, but ONLY with your True Emotion Mirrors or True Emotion Mirror, NEVER with a Trail Companion*. They are the ones you need to give up on, because they don’t need you hanging onto their coat tails. They are not yours to keep. So you will just have to accept the fact that if you want everything out of a relationship, it HAS TO be a True Emotion Mirror and a Trail Companion* simply won’t do the trick, no matter how hard they might try to be what you want them to be.

1. Depending on context. Some time ago, I used the term polygamy to mean either the generic concept of polygamous marriage or a MM+FF+ -type marriage or poly-committed relationship. ↩

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