Why are we still arguing over something as simple as gay marriage?

This is going to hit you in the gut so bad.

We’ve been arguing over stuff like gay marriage for yonks now. Every the Idealists* in this world has already decided, many times over, that it is none of their business who people choose to love and care for and call their spouse, even if the matters surrounding child adoption would be much more complicated as that involves an innocent third party. But let’s just stick to the basics. Why are the Survivalist* STILL CONFUSED about whether or not it is OK to legalize gay marriage?

Here is the gut-wrenching reality: They don’t know why the Idealists* are still trying to make their case about it.

the Survivalist* discuss matters in order to get a permission to do something that they like to do. They also discuss matters in order to give other people a permission to do what they like to do. For as long as someone is raising a question if gay marriage should be legalized, they think they are asking for a permission, and the reason why they are asking for a permission is because they do not know if it is safe or not and they need other people’s input on that.

What the Survivalist* do not notice is that in order for a law to be passed, the details need to be discussed, and that is why the Idealists* raise the issue: “Hey, people, we need to change this law because it is seriously out-dated.” That is not how you make a law-changing argument, however, there are issues that need to be discussed, points made – this is a legal process after all, and therefore, all of that comes out and the Survivalist*, on a gut-level, thinks they are asking of them to decide for them whether or not it would be safe to marry a member of their own gender. Safety issues, such as will this lead to more homosexuality in the future, plummeting birth numbers (as if that would be a bad thing), lowering of sexual morals or rise in sexually transmitted diseases and other stuff that anyone who is trying to do thorough job on safety assessment would ask.

When the Idealists* are stating their case on behalf of gay marriage, the Survivalist* feel they are trying to CONVINCE THEMSELVES that it is OK, not trying to convince THEM that it is. After all, what business that is of theirs…? Why would they keep asking if they were still hesitating whether it is OK or not?

But the legalities stop the natural end to this conversation: “OK, we’ve made up our minds, we’re getting married and that’s all there is to it.” The Survivalist* would throw their hands up in the air and go “haaalllelujah, they’ve finally made their decision!” but that can’t happen because people CANNOT GET MARRIED IF THERE IS NO LAW TO SUPPORT IT, just by their own decision, and when there is thousands of people wishing to do that, it will take time for them all to synchronically make up their mind to change the law so that they can all get married…

What is also difficult is that the Survivalist* feel like they have to come to a unanimous decision on something before they can give a wholehearted recommendation for another person to do what they feel so insecure about doing, so they are continually looking at each other: “is there a problem you can foresee here? Right, yeah I didn’t think about that, I will have to consider it.” Then, when there are millions (billions) of people trying to make up a unanimous decision you know it’s never going to happen in synchronicity. A Survivalist* feels like they have a personal responsibility over your decision, if they have told you that it will be OK, they mean that they will personally guarantee nothing will go wrong if you take this step. Absolute safety guaranteed!

the Idealists* would never think this way. They feel they can’t make life-altering decisions for someone else, nor would they ever interfere in such decisions of other people, they can offer guidance, but the final decision is always in the hands of the individuals themselves. Therefore, they never ask people’s permission to do anything, their help to figure out whether it will all be well because a risk is a part of life and they are more than able to handle risks and uncertainty. They love risks and uncertainty if anything.

The sad reality here is, that both thinker types feel that it is none of their business what people will do in the end, with the difference of the Survivalist*-way of thinking: “Whatever you decide to do I will be behind you 100%” to the Idealists*: “You do what you like, that’s your thing, not mine.” The Idealists* doesn’t think their support is needed in something that is 100% someone else’s business. The Survivalist* feels everyone needs support and encouragement and they feel sorry for anyone who can’t do what they wish to do because of their insecurities and fears so they want to be there for them – every step of the way. When you put these two thinker types together, you get people who are trying to shake off their support people because to them, that’s dead weight, and people who are fighting harder to show support because “we will not abandon you no matter how much you pretend you don’t need help – everyone needs help!”

So. Again… What happens, let’s imagine this in small, family type situation, should they REALLY talk in the words that they think they are talking, while in reality using normal, worn phrases that everyone uses:

A Survivalist* couple comes to meet their the Survivalist* parents to ask for a permission to (gay) marry:

The happy couple: “Mum, dad, can we talk to you about something? We have been thinking about something that affects the whole family. We would like to ask for your blessing (permission). What do you think we should do?” (In reality, out loud, they say: “Mum, dad, we are getting married / engaged” but what they are thinking they are saying is the elaborate form.)

The parents: “Oh that is wonderful news that you have gotten that far in your decision-making process without us, by what date do you need our decision on whether or not it is safe for you to do so?” (What they actually say out loud is: “Oh that is wonderful, when is the big date?”)

The happy couple: “On the….”

The parents:  “Wonderful! Now, give us all the details that you have worked out so far so we can go in and assess your plans, any problem points, any alterations that we can suggest, anything that we see as a problem,  the guest list so we can analzyze it and remove any potential threats to the happy day, and make sure you have everyone who you have to invite invited… … and we will get back to you on any problems that we have with your plans.” (Out loud, they say: “OK so what are the plans?”)

In the case of the Survivalist* happy couple, they will happily divulge all and any bit of detail for their parents to mull over, criticise, alter, because 4 heads think better than two… But here’s what would happen if the happy couple is a pair of the Idealists*:

If the happy couple is a pair of the Idealists*:

The happy couple out loud they say: “Mum, dad, we are getting married. We got engaged!” What they feel they are saying is: “We want to tell you that we have made the decision to marry, and we will go ahead of our plans that we make together, as this is OUR relationship, we  simply figured you need to be informed, because, after all, you are my parents and we both love you and appreciate you – therefore, we let you know we are making our plans.”

The parents say out loud: “Oh that is wonderful, when is the big date?” But what they feel they are saying is: “Oh that is wonderful news that you have gotten that far in your decision-making process without us, by what date do you need our decision on whether or not it is safe for you to do so?” (What they actually say out loud is: )

The happy couple: An Idealist* couple is ALREADY slightly irritated because they feel the conversation is getting off track. What they expected to hear was: “oh that is wonderful, congratulations, when did this happen, you look so happy, we are super excited…” and not this focusing on detail that really doesn’t matter, but then again, it’s the date, so they let it slide so they can add it to their calendars and clear out anything that… On the second thought… The Survivalist* parents would ask for the date only to point out they have made plans on that day and the date needs to be changed because they want their kids to know they will take everything into consideration while the Idealists* couple/child will be insulted to the core; What could possibly be more important to their parents than their child’s wedding date?! What possible event could take precedence over that? If the Queen is planning to come over for a sleepover that day, that can be cancelled or she can sleep with the rest of the guests because NOTHING is as important than this! Out loud, they say they haven’t set the date yet, because they probably haven’t.

The parents:  “OK so do you have any other plans?” They ask, eager to get started on the wedding planning, irritated that the happy couple hasn’t even gone through the trouble of thinking of a potential date for the god damned wedding and it looks like they are, again, waiting for mum and dad to do all the hard work just like every other god-damned time! (In reality, the Idealists* couple is expecting NO help or financial help from their parents from either side, because this is THEIR thing.)

The happy couple, feel irritated by the fact that this is again going into practicalities that will so easily take care of themselves once they get to that part of the wedding plans, after all, they simply want to get married, they don’t really care whether it’s the town hall or the church, as long as they know they will be together forever and that they get to plan their own wedding as they choose with little involvement or meddling from their parents or anyone else for that  matter, they want a wedding that looks like them, and they are going to enjoy every moment of planning it and making it such a wonderful event for themselves, and they hope everyone they invite will be able to simply turn up rather than spend hours and hours providing free labor for them…! So, as they are trying to tell the parents to back the hell off, they say out loud: “We haven’t made any plans yet, we will be talking about that later.”

So… fast forward a few days, the Survivalist* mother/mother-in-law has spent a few effective hours on the phone with a few wedding organizers, and is about to bull-doze her way into the wedding plans because her helpless child and the future spouse are not going to get anything done as per usual, and… by doing so is going to meddle into something so precious and so holy, that the Idealists* child is going to be crying themselves to sleep over the fact that AGAIN their mother HAD TO make this about her, and not simply NOT LET ANYTHING go the way she or he wants, not even their own wedding that SHOULD by EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY be THEIR thing, not the parents and family affair that the newly engaged have no control over…

This leads to a string of arguments when the Idealists* try to force their parents out of the decision-making process regarding their wedding plans and life in general, and the Survivalist* parents trying to regain control of the situation that they feel is getting out of hand because they cannot get any information from the Idealists* “kids”  who are trying hard to keep their lives private and in their own hands. The Survivalist* ONLY EVER expect other people to be partially responsible for any decision they are ever going to be making, nobody, in the Survivalist* reality can make a decision completely on their own, and they do not understand why the Idealists* cannot take ANY responsibility of their lives, when they are trying to keep all responsibility to themselves – an impossible life scenario and an impossible explanation to the Idealists* behavior in the Survivalist* mind.

The Survivalist* parents WILL butt out if they are told in very clear terms what the wedding plans are: “WE make the decisions, WE will foot the bill, WE will inform  you when you are needed and for what, if any, YOU DO NOT need to get involved, and if you will, we will take that as an absolute sign of disrespect and meddling, and we will be utterly insulted should you try and influence the wedding plans beyond what you are invited to.” This is like cutting the umbilical chord. 🙂 Once the Survivalist* parents know that their involvement is not welcome let alone needed, they will still offer help, but this time, with a lot more respect and tact. 

THE ONLY OTHER WAY, apart from hours of conversation about why the Survivalist* need to butt out, for a Idealists* in a mixed family to keep their life to themselves to deny ALL ACCESS to their private lives from the Survivalist* parents… For instance… I do not know whether my the Idealists* brother is married or not, because he is completely and utterly private knowing that if he gives our mother an inch, she’ll take a mile, and he is completely and utterly protective of his private decisions and his private life. I know he has gotten engaged to the mother of his two children, but we haven’t been informed of a change in marital status, so I assume they haven’t married yet. :p Another funny thing about him is that nobody but our late grandmother who swore to take this information to her grave and his employer knows the scores of his graduation papers. We know they had to be brilliant because companies were fighting to hire him directly after graduation, but that’s all we know. 😀 I wish I had had his foresight into this, because still, at 40, I struggle to keep my life from winding up in the wrong hands: those of my mothers.

That offered as an example because I offer SOME information to my life to my mother out of politeness because I don’t want to make her feel like she has no place in my life, but she assumes it means “mum, I need help.” Because, like my brother, I am aware that any information provided will result in her taking all of it on, so like to keep the bulk of my life private, but she feels the information that I provide is all I know and I need her to make the rest of my decisions for me. Infuriating to say the least.

And that, my peeps… is the reason why everyone hates everyone.

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