If you are interested and the member of one of the Glutton groups, I have a sibling post written about this for the people who this is actually about, even in public, here, in case you need to knock some sense into someone you know. If the following makes no sense to you, read that post, first.

This has boggled my mind for so long. People who insist on hanging onto people who are NOWHERE NEAR what they want, but still insist they can “change them” or “teach them” or what not. Not really even in violent or abusive relationships, but just people endlessly chasing other people who are profoundly reluctant to form a permanent relationship with them. They often complain their target to be “a runner”, commitment-phobic, that they have a fear of intimacy, or that they are somehow inept in relationships, even though that would not be even remotely true. The truth is, that the problem is possibly in the other end of the leash, using a dog training expression.

To a chaser of this kind, it is scary to try an intimate relationship with someone who is ready to go all the way in, if you’ve never done that before, yourself (even in previous lifetimes)… Intimacy, to a degree, means that you will allow the other person to make changes in you and that you trust them to do it respectfully to your authentic person, and uplift you, rather than push you down while doing it. Men often risk a lot here, they trust the woman to be more capable of knowing what is actually important, even when their own instinct was telling them otherwise. Good women are drawn to bad boys partly because they want to know that whatever changes they make will always be an improvement; damaged goods, you see, stuff that “nobody else” wants. (Bad boys belong to bad girls, in my opinion, but the “good ones” just want to rescue the baddies from themselves, and feel they are justified in doing so.)

Fear of not only intimacy but the process of getting to know someone

Emotionally mature people love a good conversation that goes right into the deep – with anyone, really, and it means nothing more than a conversation between human beings, no matter how sexual the conversation might be. There is a HUGE difference between saying “I like this” and “I want you to do this…” It is an exchange of ideas, and thoughts, and if these thoughts match to a high level, the relationship might evolve. They offer information voluntarily because it is no threat to them that people know them on the intimate level even if there was no intention for that relationship to become intimate. It is just theories of intimacy, a fascination of the human mind and an attempt to understand other people, and to give others ideas on what else is out there – what other kind of crazy you might want to try out with someone that suits you.

An emotionally immature person doesn’t do that. They do not want you to ask them anything, and the divulging of intimate information, to them, is like a bug report or a to-do list. “Oh boy, there’s a lot to be done in there, there’s a lot of thinking errors that need to be fixed once we get together and become a couple…” If you tell them about yourself more than they tell you, they assume you are asking for their help like you were talking to a counselor.

But the reason why they love you is because they see you so flawed, so profoundly misguided and obscure, that they have all the power to change you into a person that they actually want to date. And the reason why they want you as their object rather than some other random person is because they feel that since you are so far of the target, they can be in control of the development of the relationship (and your personality) all the way from now to the completion: the fact that you are a million miles away from a real connection means that they can take their time before the relationship becomes truly intimate, and before you will start making alterations to their personality – or so they envision this. After all, why would you resist being turned from a social outcast into someone acceptable?

If you now feel nobody would want you the way you are, that is not true. The reason why I tell you this is so you know to stay the hell away and find someone who loves you the way you are.

Sexual and romantic intimacy is scary as hell – for anyone

Turning the situation around again to see the next angle; No matter where you are in the scales of sexually experienced… Taking the next step deeper still or something new is always going to be scary, and if your partner has been around the bend a million times already, you may feel very reluctant to follow in… For several reasons, one of which is that the joy of discovery is going to be dampened when someone is with you just yawning all the way through as they’ve seen this all before. You might be a girl who finds the idea of touching another girl’s boob exciting enough, so the last thing you want to do is to hook up with a girl to whom you are girlfriend number 3 and she expects you to go down on her the first time you have sex. That is why it can be tempting to force someone completely reluctant (straight) to go with you somewhere where you have just a little bit more experience or at least already-prepared wish to go – and drag them along kicking and screaming, rather than follow someone who has no respect for your fears and insecurities and you’d feel stupid expressing them, and moving generally speaking way too fast because they are well past the hand-holding stage.

The other very common situation is that a woman wants to drag you down the aisle to have children with you and spend the rest of  your life with her, because, to her, that completes the circle. That’s all she has ever thought she wants, and she’s been told that anyone who wants something extra is a bad person of a sort. If you do not share the dream, sometimes you simply have to tell her point blank exactly what kind of a guy you are and what it is that you want instead. This can be tricky for many reasons, (that I’ve talked extensively about in the context of the Normal Person*/the Savants* thinking,) but making a point about knowing how scared they are about REAL sex and REAL intimacy, you might coax them to let go or… have them follow you where you want to go.

Whatever it is, the message has to sink in; I am not AFRAID, I am simply completely uninterested in your idea of fun because I need more. Do not be afraid of offending them, because if they insist on being intimate with you, then they might as well hear some intimate thoughts regarding them. The reason why they might drag you down is because they fear intimacy, believe that you do, too, and that they are just that slightly braver than you are about it, so they will lead the way – even if you didn’t want to go along… Believing that deep down, you would, as, who wouldn’t?

The way I’ve been talking to some recently awakened bisexuals on the spirit level, it feels like they are holding onto my hand in the similar way as when as kids we wouldn’t dare to go to the bathroom alone, and you’d grab your friends hand and beg them to go with you because they were too scared to go alone. If you’d refuse because you want to sit with your mom, they’d coax you to go along, because they were brave enough.

Now, they want you to follow them to whatever they want to try and hold their hand through it. If you refuse and say you want to do something different, they believe you are making excuses, because who wouldn’t want what they want, and why not wanting it is even a reason, because… Not wanting it is simply about fear, isn’t it? Fear is a motivation, but often it is the fear of getting stuck in a deep, intimate relationship with a person you have no real interest in, and finding it impossible to get rid of them later. They might not be your ideal partner, and you don’t think they have any interest of being that, either, so you’d know you will be short changed in the end, while you true, authentic connection is still waiting for you out there somewhere.

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