What you want is what you want, what others want is their business

Oh so very often we find other people guilting us for what we want, and how we want it, for the single reason they feel threatened by it. “If that is what you want, I am not good enough for you (or people who think like you), therefore you need to change what you want so people like us can measure up.” Never allow someone to lower your bar simply because they want better chances climbing over it.

I don’t care if they are life coaches, psychologists, counselors of any kind, they have their own idea what love is, and you have yours. You do not need to settle for a love that you don’t want, simply because that would make someone else feel better about your love life. They need to understand that being alone is better than in a relationship that you don’t want — at least it is for some of us, and I say this after having had a VERY GOOD marriage to a man who deserves nothing but praise, but it wasn’t the marriage I wanted. Two people, slightly different idea of what love is and things will not work. We are still best friends — and flatmates, we still love each other, but we have acknowledged that we are better friends than lovers — and we never went to bed angry.

“You have nothing to complain about” is not a reason to give up hoping for something more. “That is a good problem to have!” or “I wish I had your problems!” are not a reason to not try to solve yours. “If you keep your standards that high, you will wind up alone” is a threat of an insecure person who doesn’t want people to be wanting a PLEASURABLE relationship, but one based on sacrifice. “You are afraid of intimacy” is not true — you are afraid of emotional coldness, but your way of thinking about it is different to the one giving you advice, his or her idea of love is different to yours, and they have trouble understanding what you are after. That is their business. Be cruel if you need to. You owe nobody love.

Be secure in the knowledge that you know what you want… I was hopeful in my 20’s and started listening to the wrong people nearing 30’s. Being sensible. Demanding less. Wanting out of the game. That is when I married the best wrong man possible, but still the wrong man. And by 35, I learned from my mistakes. I will never settle again — and I will work my entire life that romantics never need to settle again because someone else doesn’t believe in their kind of love.

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