How do you know if a rejection is real or a game?

There are people who toy with the people who they are interested in. They play games of all sorts, test their intended, challenge them, irritate them, try to push them away just to see if they’d call their bluff. It may be truly difficult to tell when a rejection is real and when it is not. Some people seem to up the anti the more self-confident they get, and they mimic a real rejection to the tee. People who are used to using fake rejection as a form of flirtation are driving the people who actually have 0 interest in them bonkers. Fake rejection flirtation is sometimes impossible to tell apart from a real rejection, especially as two different thinker types try to send that message in two opposite ways.

How can you tell if a rejection is real or a game?

Quite frankly, I am not sure if it is possible to tell because there are people who absolutely LOVE the rejection games. They take them to extremes, to the point of physical violence. Many domestic violence cases must be about this very thing; the violent partner is trying to break up with the victim who refuses to believe they have been rejected. So… How could you possibly tell for sure if this is how far some people take it?

Here are some clues of it being a game

Although I cannot necessarily tell how far someone takes a rejection game while hiding every sign of it being a game, I can give you some pointers when it IS just a game. If all of these signs are missing, you simply have to follow your gut feeling.

They give you something sweet only to take it away again

One of the best ways to know it’s a game is that they do sometimes let you closer. It is like they’d be dangling a bait under your nose and then take it away again like baiting a cat. They wish to drive you mental with desire for them so you’d do something bold to catch them.

This may also be alcohol induced bravery that turns into regret of having caved in again once he or she sobers up. However, they seem to have a real soft spot for you, and they need to work to stay away from you. The player may, if too drunk, forget their game and be real with you momentarily. However, they’ll play you by telling you that what they said during those hours was King Alcohol talking.

They may be close to you but without saying a word

They may spend time near you even though they don’t say anything to you. This may be them waiting for you to come and talk to them – not even necessarily a game, but just a wish you would.

When they are ready for a new round of cat and mouse, they’ll flaunt themselves around you.

A person who doesn’t like you will try and find the furthermost corner from you if they cannot avoid being in the same room with you.

Then again, a player who has momentarily lost his cool (revealed their cards) can retreat to far away corners or lock themselves away from you. They’ll crawl back out when they think they’ve repaired the damage, as in make you believe you can’t have them after all.

At any rate, there’s a come here, go away dynamic in play. People who are serious tend to be a bit more consistent at keeping you at an arm’s length… Tend to. Again, exceptions apply. (Read on.)

They vanish and come back, they vanish and come back

They may disappear for long periods at times, but then they come back as if nothing had happened. A player may punish you for saying something “wrong”. This may include that they think you’ve been too obvious and as such, they don’t like your approach, or that you’ve hurt their feelings somehow. They may be simultaneously playing and teaching you how they like their game. If you don’t play right, they withdraw.

Another reason for vanishing is that you haven’t given them enough emotional contact, so they simply figure whatever. Not worth the drama. If this is the case, the way to return is with an emotional letter. (Serious people love love letters, players hate them.)

You can feel their feelings

If you can actually feel their love for you even though their behavior says something different, it’s a game. “Eyes say one thing, mouth says the other”, you know? Believe the eyes.

If all you feel from them when you wind them up is anger and frustration and indifference, you have taken YOUR game too far and they are utterly and completely fucking done with you. You have over-played your game, you have over-estimated your value to them and you’ve over-stepped our mark. If you think they are taking things “too seriously” you are speaking from your perspective. They may be just an inch away from actually killing you so please don’t push your luck. (This is actually not a joke, but I know your type may think it’s just a game, and that’s why your kind winds up dead in your originally gentle and softly-spoken spouse’s hands so often.)

Also please note that feelings DO change. A person may have loved you to begin with, but your game may have permanently turned their feelings off you. Some people ABSOLUTELY HATE games and drama, and if they are in any way uncertain about their feelings, they may simply drop you if they figure you’re not worth the drama. But then, the playing is a risk-taking approach, that’s why some people love it so… It is risky.

LIKELY signs of a real rejection

Although these are not certain, I’d say that in the VAST majority of cases, these are good signs of an ACTUAL rejection.

They avoid talking to you and spending time with you

The longer periods they remain silent, the more likely it is they don’t want anything to do with you, of course. However, there’s a possibility they are insecure and think you don’t want them, and they’ve lost hope of having you. They may also be too baffled to say anything, simply unsure of what it is that you want. (How popular or good looking or self-confident they are normally is absolutely NO indicator of how self-confident they should be ABOUT YOU).

If you have a tendency to challenge and play people, speak unkindly, argue, or test other people, and this person has decided you think they are worthless to you, don’t be surprised they’ve disappeared. They consider this either self-respect if you’ve truly been out of line or they consider this respect of your boundaries if you haven’t really said anything THAT BAD but made them feel rejected regardless. As I said, playing games like this is risky. Some people may believe they’ve been actually rejected and act accordingly. (Which is, they’ll go away and leave you in peace.)

They never tell you anything truly nice

People who do not wish to lead you along and keep you coming back for more do not tend to be giving you too many compliments. If anything, they’d say the most horrible things to you, increasing the nastiness over time in order to chase you out.

However, many people don’t want to be too nasty to other people, so they try to balance their criticism of you with something nice. “I don’t want to go out with you, although I think you’re a nice person” doesn’t necessarily mean “the game is on” but simply what it states: “You’re not a bad person, but I am not interested in you in the romantic sense, thanks.” (Some people think “you’re a nice person” means “you’ve still got a chance, though.”)

It may seem to you that their praise/criticism ratio is too harsh and you think this is a play on their part, a dig of a sort to make you fume up and defend yourself, but if they are not amused by your attack but get irritated by it, they truly meant what they said. They gave you as much positive feedback as they felt would be honest, and although you didn’t think it was enough, it’s their honest opinion. You pestering them to say something more, to them is simply putting them on the spot, forcing them to be nastier to you than what they actually want to be. This is irritating to them. “I already told you everything you need to know, DO NOT force me to be mean to you to make my point clearer still!”

If they are trying to reject you rather than play you, no matter how hard you fish for compliments and appeal to their good nature, you won’t get anything else because you’ve already got all the praise they have to give you.

They seem to accept you just as you are ready to give up

People are always trying to teach others how to treat them. If they are the nicest to you just as you are leaving, it is a likely sign they accept you and like you BECAUSE you are leaving, rather than being regretful for having chased you away. In other words, they love you the most when you are out of their hair.

Someone who is trying to play you will get irritated when you try and leave them. “After all this, you walk out?!” This is a sign all of the to-and-fros was designed to get close to you.

This may be a real rejection if you don’t feel loved

They are nasty or distant to you and on top of that, you don’t feel loved by them. You HOPE you are, or you think they are “emotionally damaged” to explain their coldness toward you, but in reality, they simply don’t love YOU specifically. They may still well love other people, and to you, this may feel like they’re flaunting the other loves to get to you, but they are not, they simply authentically do not love you.

They may also be mirroring you if that’s how you’ve been treating them. The rationale is “well see how you like it, then”. You may have ignored it because that’s the way you do like it. If someone who you keep away from to show them what it feels like to be ignored isn’t reacting, it’s probably because they like you out of their lives rather than in it.

Rejection and the verbalized reason for it

If you keep pursuing this person, they may have to tell you why they don’t love you. This often comes in the form of what it is that they actually DO need from a lover or a friend. If they make their expectations sound impossible to reach, that may still be exactly what they are trying to tell you. They may not be making this up along the lines of Scarborough Fair, this may be how they ACTUALLY FEEL.

If they are describing a person who to you seems perhaps remotely plausible but not attainable for “an ordinary person”, it’s likely that they are serious and not interested in ordinary people. Live with it. They have no obligation to love ordinary. They may be looking for the one in a million, but that’s their choice and their risk to take, and you won’t make matters better by insisting that they’ll never find what they are looking for. They MIGHT, and that’s enough of a reason to keep looking. Especially if you are a monogamist, the only way to ENSURE you WILL  NOT find that one in a million love is by settling for something you don’t really want. Don’t push anyone into such decisions.

What they are telling you about the reasons of their rejection is not to make you into such a person

The purpose of this communication is not to give you instructions on how they expect you to become. They are trying to inform you WHY it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to make them love you. They are trying to let you know WHY you are rejected, not how to be accepted. They are trying to end their interaction with you, not help you become someone they’d love. Also, some people tend to mistake an attempt of breaking up as emotional abuse: “They are threatening to leave me if I don’ change.” This is not what they are doing, necessarily, they may be explaining WHY the relationship has to end, as they are trying to free themselves from the relationship.

Most typically, a highly intelligent person is trying to reject someone of a lesser intelligence. This causes a problem: They think differently, and someone of lower intelligence cannot comprehend why the demands of the higher of intelligence are important to them. This causes the person of lower intelligence either dismiss them as “impossible” and keep trying, or think they’re a challenge or code and try figure out what do they actually mean, or try and try and try to be as expected until they can’t keep on trying for any longer. The relatively or equally intelligent give up as soon as they hear the explanation because it makes sense to them.

If the explanation of rejection makes no sense or is based on wild claims or something untrue

It is important for you to understand that the way people see you or themselves or how they fear you think about them may not be based in reality at all. It is important to consider the other person’s insecurities which sometimes doesn’t occur to people of good self-confidence when they face their own insecurities at the same time.

A Personal Example

For instance, my True Emotion Mirror expressed to me that he believed I only wanted him because of his good looks. I found it odd that he’d say such a thing out loud, but I had a small fear this might be true because he was incredibly handsome and I barely knew him. I also knew he was an atheist, so I didn’t exactly feel right to insist that I know his soul or that I can feel his spirit and that is what I loved about him. I figured the last thing I should tell him was that I believed I have known him for so many lifetimes that I don’t have to talk to him to know him. But at the same time, I feared he might be right. Maybe I had created a fantasy about him in my mind, and maybe he wasn’t anything like I imagined he would be.

In reality, he was trying to urge me to prove to him that I loved him for who he is as a person. I couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t love him and why he should doubt I did. I was so baffled about it I ignored that request. So instead I thought he saw this shallowness in me that I wasn’t fully aware of and accepted his criticism of me and intended to study his accusation later on.

Odd, wild, and idiotic claims and announcements as a bait

A player may also try to get under your skin to make you chase them further. And when I say “a player” I do not mean someone who is unable to fall in love, but someone who sees love as a game of cat and mouse. A player loves the chase, being chased or chasing, even though they intend to give themselves up in the end, after a little runaround. Unfortunately, those of us who are more serious by nature, do not always understand this dance initially.

They may offend you on purpose hoping they’d rile you up to defend yourself. They don’t really mean what they say, they say it so that you’d anger and break the walls of appropriateness to intimacy. While you may be sitting there ready and able to have a deep heart-to-heart, they may feel you are being too nice and polite – in a word, formal, around them. When they say something completely insulting and inappropriate, they expect you to fire up and show them to their place – hopefully in your bed. 😉

Player mentality vs serious lovers

The players and serious lovers tend to both feel rejected by each other when they are not, and in reverse, flirted with when they are being rejected. Their approach to the situation is completely the opposite. The serious people get insulting only once they’ve had enough of the other when they are truly losing their respect for them. The players insult or attack you only to warm up, therefore, when they are being rejected by a serious lover, they think “oh good, they’re warming up!” In the meanwhile, when a player wants you to know it’s over, they stop talking to you completely. They no longer answer you, even if you were right in their ear talking to them.

Even more painfully, the serious-minded respect their loved one by leaving them alone. They stop talking to them in order to respect their space because that’s what they’d wish an unwanted lover to do. If they feel rejected for too long, they’ll end the communication in order to give the person they love their much-needed space. They also hate drama so much, that they stop pushing for a relationship before they take their chasing too far and ruin the whole thing. They are simultaneously hoping something will change on its own accord especially if they are SURE there is a real connection and it’s just a matter of time when it solves. As they hate people who can’t take no for an answer, they avoid being one themselves fearing they might be the idiot who simply isn’t getting the message.

In short, the players say everything they don’t mean and the serious lovers mean everything they say.

Luckily, the serious lovers, at least, may learn to play, at least a little. Hopefully, the players learn to meet them halfway, too, at some point.

Applies to all relationships

Please note that people tend to follow this same bonding method in ALL of their personal relationships. If they are serious lovers, they are also serious parents, teachers, friends, and colleagues. If they are players in love, they are also players in all personal relationships, but they do ease up on it in formal relationships. The player mentality, luckily, is intended for making friends, but the serious people may not realize this. A lot of the schoolyard bullying is actually players trying to make friends and a serious person not getting it.

Although the serious can be flirty, they get deadly serious with people they love the most

The serious people may get flirty, but often when they are… serious about someone, they get super extra serious around them. Dead serious. They stop all flirtation and games right on the spot. To a player, they may seem like the eye of the storm or the calm before a storm, and they may feel they are being angry, when, in fact, they are simply seriously in love.

What they expect to see happen is a deep emotional connection that will lead right into the bedroom then and there. They are willing to make a commitment on the spot when they feel this way. Flirtation to them is more a “let’s see if I like you” game, whereas complete seriousness means “I have made up my mind and I want you for the rest of my life starting right now, thank you.”

Interestingly enough when a player gets serious, they are about to break up with someone. A player, quite surprisingly, is rarely flirtatious. They are… irritating. They don’t really know how to flirt, and they can miss the cues completely.

It is inborn, not learned (at least not in this lifetime)

This seriousness and player mentalities cause drama in all personal relationships because it is an inborn trait. A player parent can feel judged by a serious child who is simply trying to show respect to their parent, hoping the parent would accept them and talk to them, while the player parent wishes the child would chill and understand they are not a threat. The player parent wants their child to behave badly around them, and they approve of all kinds of behavior the serious child has no intention or wish to be engaging in.

Curiously, the player parent may establish tight rules only hoping the child will break all of them – or at least some of them. The serious child is unlikely to, however, or takes no pleasure from doing so. They may grow resentful of their parent, however, as they take their rules seriously.

Having said that this is an inborn trait, the playing could be taught by a loving parent to a serious child, but they need a very gentle hand about it. It would be a good idea to do so if the child is the serious type, as they will suffer for it later in life. In reverse, a player child should be taught a little respect of others and to know that not all people are players and how to approach someone serious by nature. The serious parents are more likely to teach that approach, however, as they see playing as a natural childish trait that the child will grow out of with time and guidance.

 

Both approaches have their downfalls

While the players have a thick skin, they tend to be completely and utterly clueless to a genuine rejection. They never take unkindness seriously, and this can put them in life-threatening situations. In that sense, being serious is a better trait to have, as they will back off WELL before anyone loses their cool with them.

The serious people are unlikely to ever get into a fight, as they don’t see it as a means to make a friend. They may, however, end up being an abusive partner even though they have no wish to be abusive towards anyone if they wind up in a relationship with a player who cannot understand a rejection. The serious people are more dangerous to others than what they tend to get into a danger, so from that perspective, they’re better off than the players.

However, the players have more fun getting into new relationships. They enjoy the process of breaking through walls and reserves of people and making everyone at ease with them. Having said that, they may get frustrated easily and they may anger if their intended doesn’t respond as expected. They are shorter of temper than the serious people and blow their fuse easier. However, when the serious people blow their fuse, that means all fun has just died out of the relationship, and the LAST THING to do in this situation is to try and irritate them further “to say what’s ‘really’ bothering them”. The serious people never hide their feelings, so if they say they are angry because of Y, then they truly mean it is Y that is the issue. A player can easily cause them anger even more by insisting Y is not the issue but they have to dig (irritated them) to get to the real issue.

The serious people tend to express their emotions freely when given the chance and space to do so, and the only thing keeping them “locked up” is an unfriendly, aggressive environment (such as the player’s tend to create). They do not need to be angered in order to say what’s really on their mind, they need to be respected and listened to and taken for their word.

For the serious: How to play the player

The players have a hard time taking anyone seriously. Their relationships can, thus, remain shallow and meaningless. They have a difficult time giving into their feelings and allowing people TRULY close to them. Despite their willingness to create intimacy, they still guard their inner core more than the serious people, who open their core to others as soon as invited to. The player approach can build a friendly exterior, but the core is protected and hidden inside a hard shell, often so that they COULD tolerate the playing scenarios.

(To compare, the serious people tend to have a hard outer layer, but you can open it by simply knocking on it. It is like non-newtonian liquid; if you pound on it violently, it gets hard, but if you approach it gently, it lets you in without resistance.)

Rejection out of fear of losing you completely

Because the players love the thrill of the chase, they are prone to developing a fear that they are not interesting enough for people once they let the person truly know them. They fear the only thing they’ve got going for them is the game they play. The more insecure they get, the more the game you… In other words, the more they love you, the more they try to stop you from seeing what they really want.

The players fear that if they do give up their inner core, they’ll lose the game, the relationship will go stale and die, so they will take a long time before they relax and trust the relationship to be strong enough to last without the gaming aspect.

Don’t you become a player.

From this perspective, it is not wise for the serious folk to get TOO comfortable with the playing. It may also lead to a situation that you can get someone you are dying in love with closish, but never breach the final gap between you two.

The more the player gains by their games, the less they are going to give up emotionally, as they always fear to lose you completely if they reveal their true feelings. To play a perfect game, you shouldn’t give them anything if they are not willing to give you everything. Just open the heart, and wait until they come voluntarily.

Instant reward

Reward them for the emotion they show you by instantly letting them in. Compliment them endlessly. Tell them how you feel about them fearlessly, repeatedly, constantly, consistently, and do this in person as much and as often as you can.

Love his or her demons

Also be sure to know their demons. Be sure they know how you love their dark side, too. Be honest about how you feel about it all. Don’t let them think you harbor some fantasy tales about them. If they think you think they are a better person than what they actually are, they feel you don’t really love them – everyone shares this same fear. We all want to be loved throughout, and we all hide stuff about ourselves. The way to get it out is to simply call it out. “I can see you are so and so, and I love it!”

Don’t talk about yourself. Let them figure you out.

Don’t tell them too much about yourself, tell them stuff about THEM. Let them figure you out, while you figure out them. As a serious person, you’re so self-consumed that you already know yourself through and through. You often feel like helping others to figure it out as there’s a lot to learn. Let them do it for you though.

If you are a writer or an artist with an obsession with self-expression, don’t let that stop you. Public self-expression will boggle the mind of a player as they try to figure out why you do it and if it’s fact or fiction. Nothing confuses a player like the truth. In the meanwhile, the other serious people are dying for someone to tell them how they really feel, as they love that openness and an opportunity to view into another person’s mind.

As a writer, I find this part interesting, as I am in no way going to stop writing, but I DO LOVE IT when people read it and draw further, ACCURATE conclusions about what I write. Nothing is more irritating than finding oneself misunderstood despite my best efforts to write clearly and honestly, however. It is an interesting balance, writing publically while still having a private, intimate conversation about it with someone special.

In summary

Returning to your insintcts in relationships is important. No matter which camp you belong in, we are all individuals and the mixture of things is unique. My observations are here to guide your way, not give you a definite 7 steps to success -instruction. It should help however.

 

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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.

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