What does it mean when someone defines themselves through a relationship?

I had a fight with a friend once years ago. I remember her retorting to me: “I’ve never met ANYONE who defines themselves through a relationship as much as you do!” That comment struck me as a bizarre one, I didn’t think it was true, but it has been nagging at me ever since. What does it even mean?!

Much later on, I found that some people TRULY do that. They DO define themselves by their relationships, and here is what happens:

“Wife of so-and-so”

People who define themselves by a relationship make it their IDENTITY to be that person to another person. I AM the wife of John, for instance. John’s wife, Alice, has an idea of what kind of a person is John’s wife, and they fill that role. They allow the label of “John’s wife” to define who they are and should be. John defines his wife: “I want my wife to be so and so,” and Alice lets the label define them and become what John wants of her.

John may not even want to define Alice, but Alice picks up clues or decides for herself what “John’s wife” should be like and becomes that person. Her identity doesn’t exist without that definition, and she abandons her previous identity that is no longer valid because she’s John’s wife now.

The same works in reverse, too; he can also define his role by his wife. Both partners may do it, too (Lovers’ Choice Soulmates*), but only one spouse often does this while the other stays consistently themselves.

Her personality changes based on who she’s the wife or girlfriend of

She would have done the same before for her previous boyfriends; The girlfriend of X is a different person to what the girlfriend of Y is. Her personality and habits change; perhaps the way she dresses and eats is also defined by her relationship.

When two of these types are in a relationship, they often talk of themselves as “we.” They assume that when “I” think something, the same will also apply to you: “WE don’t like this.”

Let’s assume John divorces Alice.

Okay. Let’s then assume that John divorces Alice for one reason or another. Alice is without identity because she completely defines herself through John. She no longer has interests because the ones she used to have belonged to John’s wife, who she is no more.

She will be lost until she finds a new relationship to define herself after.

Also, a role can be used this way.

A person can quickly take ANY label and make it a definition of who they are. “A mother” would give you the idea of a busy mom who has certain tasks to perform and certain roles to fill. Once the child matures and moves away, the same thing happens, the mother no longer knows who they are. She will need to find another label to define themselves.

A person may be using any label similarly: A blogger, a spiritual person, a drug addict, they may give a role that the person feels the need to adjust to.

This is essentially all about the Normal Person* thinking. (the Normal Person* also believe that the role is more important than the person and expect others to live just like this. Some of us may have SOME tendency to do this.)

The other way of thinking about labels

If you wonder if there is another way to think, I’ll explain this quickly.

Other people use labels to DESCRIBE themselves or their relationship. “I’m John’s wife,” to them, means that “okay, you know John. The reason why I am here is that I’m his wife. I still have a separate personality, and you know very little about me. But at least you now know that I’m married to John, whose judgment you trust, and that’s why I’m here.” (When I wrote this, the Normal Person* got startled: “I could have a person like this in my home, not knowing anything about them but thinking they’re John’s wife! I know John, and I assume certain things about his wife to be automatically true!!”)

This type of thinker feels the different labels say SOMETHING about them but that they are vague and rather insufficient. They believe good friends figure each other out in time, and the labels are there to speed matters along. They also meet new people assuming they know nothing truly important about them based on the labels they attach to themselves.

Which is better?

It is better for one’s sense of stability to define oneself as an individual rather than through a relationship. You should stay the same person between relationships and know who YOU are when you’re alone. However, if this doesn’t bother you, there’s no need to change how you think.

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