You don’t need to love and be friends with everybody.
We’ve all been taught to be friends with everyone and to aim for universal love. However, I have come to the conclusion that this is not a great way to do things. It’s actually AWFUL. This virtue creates most of the unhappiness we feel every single day of our lives.
There is a point to it, but when taken too far, it creates misery, not happiness. It leads to suicides, desperation, drug use to combat frustration, dissatisfaction, and depression, you name it. It leads to the need to lie, fake, competing, stress and to a lowered self-esteem. This is where all the drama starts.
Lowering one’s bar
Whenever we make friends with “everyone” what it TRULY means is that you are asked to lower your bar. Authentic friends are made between equals, not like this. Fake friends are made when the bar is lowered. Now… Let me try and paint this as clear to you as I possibly can.
People who think they should be loved because “they’re nice”…
There are people who lack every positive trait a person can possess, all except being nice enough at times. They are unattractive, lack manners, they are not smart, good conversationalists, or particularly funny, but because they’re “nice” they feel that should be enough. This is where the pressure to be friends with everyone starts. From people who truly have nothing going for them but being relatively nice. (Very young souls, by the way.) They moralize and guilt people to hang out with them… We… Should not.
Sure. You can have a beer at a bar with anyone, but to make them into your closest friend when you boast a genius IQ, have honed your manners and skills across lifetimes and read Kafka as a form of entertainment…
This gives me the perfect point to make:
My “friends” just laughed at the thought of someone reading Kafka for entertainment… They believe they are “my real friends” but do not know I am very philosophical by my nature, and Kafka is one of the authors I’ve pleasurably read in my lifetime. I don’t read much, because most authors do not reach to the level of Kafka, and are therefore a mind-numbing annoyance. However, my friends, the ones I truly connect with, would consider Kafka light reading. I do not even blink when my boyfriends say they’re reading Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy, or freaking Hitler’s productions simply to keep their heads from exploding in this intellectually mind-numbing society.
This is NORMAL in my authentic circle of friends. They know their way around the library let me tell ya. I’m the dummy of the lot. I’m the one who hasn’t read a book in years… Had Russell Brand and Anthony Robbins read to me though. I was proud to have that much civilization audiobooked into my ears… And how do I love them both! They both probably have an impressive IQ, I read somewhere that Brand’s fans alone score +60 points above the average in IQ!
What I consider “an easy” conversation, is a conversation with someone with an IQ over 175. That’s where I’ve pinned an easy conversation IQ to start, anything lower and it’s a struggle to make myself understood. 160 isn’t enough. 142 is woeful. So yes. I enjoy the company of smart people and reading stuff written by smart people.
My “friends” and “family” thinks we’re faking smarts
This is not something we “try hard to do”, this is freaking breathing! The lack of intellectual pursuits is suffocating. Due to my own moral attempt to be friends with everyone, I’ve wound up making karmic soulmate connections to people who would spit on Kafka, and would not understand Desmond Morris to save their lives! Both of whom are very entertaining, humorous authors, pleasant to read.
Where I and my true friends despair in the ever dumbing society, the fake friends of mine are scared to death at the prospect of things getting smarter and smarter all the time and they can’t keep up!
(I predict, by the way, that we are separating into two or more human species in the next millennia, simply divided by IQ. – Desmond Morris in my head just got a little evolutionary orgasm. :D)
Like attracts like
In natural circumstances, we seek for the company that most resembles ourselves. This is because we want to surround ourselves with the people we most admire. In close contact, we also wish to gain the qualities of the people we most admire for ourselves. Our admiration directs our authentic choice of friends.
When this natural process is interrupted by morals and ideals that state you have to make friends with all people, they will STILL react to your approach as “this person admires us and wants to be more like us”. So they try and help you become more like them, and you fight back because you’re simply “being friendly to them”.
Therefore, the Savants* are the moral people, who have gotten themselves into friendships with people who they do not like. The Normal Person* are the people who haven’t got a clue about why anyone would do this and trust all of their friendships to be authentic. (Luckily one of the virtues of the Savants* is the ability to admit when they’re wrong and correct their own attitudes.)
Seeking company = seeking help to be like them
The next time you are tempted to make a friend out of moral reasons, remember this: Seeking someone’s company is equal to be asked to be made into their image. If you do not want to wear their face, to learn from them, do not try to make friends with them. You may do it in reverse when someone “less” wants your friendship/guidance if you like, but only if you are willing to give your face to that person. (Quite literally, in our incarnational cycles, we start looking alike, too.)
What happens when unequal people try to be friends/family
When different kinds of people, unequal in intelligence and different in their interests and natural values try to get along, a conflict is unavoidable. The higher of intelligence help the lower of intelligence learn new things at a faster rate than what they normally would have. However… There’s only so much you can do, and only so far as you can go.
So, as the assumption is that like attracts like, the family’s natural (infuriating 😉 ) attempt is to restore similarity. To achieve sameness in a disjointed family everyone needs to change, at least superficially. It is often not POSSIBLE for the people to even pretend sameness. This creates the family dramas we are all too familiar with.
Dissatisfaction, depression, suicide
When we try too hard to be good people, we wind up marrying out of philosophy rather than love. We also choose our friends similarly. It is common we marry a person who we think NEEDS US rather than loves us. This creates a skewed marriage, where, at the worst of times, both partners think they’re always the one giving, never the one receiving! In these situations, because our values are different, it is possible both partners consider themselves the superior and the spouse the inferior.
Fear of being the inferior
Some of us have learned to be afraid of the feeling of being the one who receives something out of the relationship. We develop that fear because we fear that if one partner is happy, the other one isn’t… If you’re the happy one, then you fear your partner is the unhappy one, but you’re too blind to see it.
If you’re one to create relationships based on philosophy, you fear it’s being done to you, too. Notice anything weird about that? If you fear someone is doing this to you, why would you want to do it to them?
At any rate, when we surround ourselves with people who we do not REALLY love, it creates all levels of unhappiness. This, in turn, may lead to depression, that you aren’t socially allowed to blame your family/friends on. This causes you to suffocate your feelings and eventually suicide “out of the blue”.
Stop pretending to love people you do not love!!
Another side effect
When we are “just friendly” with other people, and try to be nice to everyone, we start doubting other people’s true wish to be with us. So we tend to seek for company that we KNOW are beneath us, just to NOT be the one who is being taken for a fool.
We also know that we get into love relationships similarly; that person needs me more than the other. So, to ensure we are nobody’s charity fuck, we make sure never to approach anyone who we truly admire.
To what extent should you be a friend to everybody?
Obviously, we don’t want a society where people are cold and emotionless towards people who are not exactly like them. There is a point of helping out strangers and making sure everyone is doing well.
So, here are some guidelines to keep being a decent person even when you try not to form fake friendships:
Never do nice things to people when you feel… any level of displeasure or unpleasantness about it. If you do, rather than beat yourself up for being a horrible selfish person, try and point your attention towards WHY you feel this way. Once you know it, you can make a sound judgment on whether to do what you were asked to or planned to do or not. Sometimes, the guilty feelings drop the instant you realize the reason why you feel reluctant to help or spend time with someone.
We should all aim for happiness and joy for all, but that doesn’t mean we need to be FRIENDS with the people we help. It’s like helping a wild animal – give them what they need, and then release them back into the wild. Also, do not allow the wrong people get attached to you.
That’s all.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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