Do you have to change after engagement or not?
There are two ways to view marriage:
- We come together because we love each other the way we are and liberate each others’ true selves (wild, untamed).
- We come together because we love each other enough to give up who we were and become a married couple (a standard).
The first group of people belongs to the Savants* thinking (retain the previous personality) category, and the second one belongs to the Normal Person* thinking (assume a new role by marital status) category.
These two types fall in love and out of love
It is not uncommon for these two types to fall in love, but it is more than common that they fall out of love after marrying. This is because of the Savants*, most likely. They fall out of love, leaving the Normal Person* pining for their acceptance and renewal of the love they once shared.
The Savants* hold an idea of becoming MORE of themselves once they marry. They expect that this person loves them for who they were this whole time. A Normal Person* tries to force them both into a standardized role of a married couple with married couple activities and friends.
The falling out of love doesn’t really happen with True Emotion Mirrors. (More later.)
The logic on either side
The Savants* believe an individual is sacred. They are nature’s child, something that shouldn’t be pushed into a mold of a society, but that their individuality should be protected. They fall in love with people for being who they are as personalities, often, the wilder the better. They want to ensure that even after marrying, they are married to someone exciting, someone fun and entertaining, someone who makes them laugh and they’ll be happy forevermore. To the Savants*, both male and female, sexuality is often also a major part of the deal. Otherwise, it’s a friendship, right?
The Normal Person* believe marriage is a sacrifice you make for the one you love. They behave badly to drive away people who don’t really want them, and who are not willing to make sacrifices for them and to make the effort of marriage. They sacrifice their freedom for each other. As soon as they get engaged, they start making changes to become “a husband” or “a wife”. Often even before that, once they are in a serious relationship. They intend to enter a mold of a spouse for the love of this person. “I love you, therefore I will assume a role for you and curb my true self.”
Conflict
When one person assumes they were loved for the person they were with the expectation they are free to remain that person, and the other person assumes this rough-edged person vanishes and makes way to “a wife” or “a husband”, the relationship is not likely to last. This can go either way, men are often the Normal Person*, just as women are often the Savants*. It can be impossible to tell from before which group a person belongs in by their single behavior. There are some clues, however.
the Normal Person* tend to behave notoriously bad when they are single, and the Savants* tend to “be bad” but behave relatively civilized because they intend to stay more or less the way they are. The Savants* may harbor a secret wish that their future spouse gives them the freedom to be more of themselves and to become wilder and more out of control than what they were, as they’ve always accommodated people who don’t love them and who don’t, thus, have a responsibility to tolerate their wild behavior.
The Savants* are often drawn to the Normal Person* who are behaving out of control because they love their bravery. They love how they break all the rules and make no excuses. The Normal Person* like the Savants* because they are already behaving well, which, to them, means “they’re ready for a commitment”.
Being single
The Savants* harbor crazy fantasies within themselves. They want to do so much with their lives, that they cannot expect just any random friend to go along with something like that. The Savants* seek for their soulmates, people who will GET THEM INTO TROUBLE, not out of it.
To the Normal Person*, their behavior may feel out of control, they may drink as much as the Normal Person*, they may sleep around and do drugs, but what they want to do ON TOP OF THAT horrifies the Normal Person*. What they need a partner for is something crazier still. They feel bored with the way their life is, not exciting. They are seeking for more, not a way out of it. If they use drugs, it’s a replacement for higher feelings, like love and passion. (If they do drugs, that is. As I said, many behave very well in comparison to the Normal Person*, in some ways, at least, but they often have some dark side that shows what they’re really into.)
The Normal Person* feels that being single is the time to be wild and “out of character”. That’s when you do everything you cannot do once you’re married. This standpoint is vastly different to a Savants*, who views being single as the time when you look for those people who will liberate you. They need people who want to live the same kind of an exciting life as they do. They love their youth more than the Normal Person* most likely, because, if things don’t go their way (they rarely do) they wind up marrying the Normal Person*, giving up on their dreams, and killing themselves at the age of 50.
The bitter, horrible truth
Once a Savants*’s partner turns into “a husband” or “a wife”, their feelings for them disappear. The person who once was exciting and wild turns into a boring, predictable, clean cut spouse. They feel like they were lured into a trap with that person. They wonder who the hell is this person, and where did they come from. They wonder why someone that used to be so much fun could suddenly turn into this!
The Normal Person* finds that the Savants* isn’t adjusting to a married life. They keep doing the same things they were doing before they got married. They still want to go out, they still want to pursue a crazy dream. They still insist on wearing the same style clothes they did when they were single. The Normal Person* feels their partner is, after all, not ready for a commitment. They feel the Savants* thinking partner is still looking for a new partner, judging by the clothes and behavior. It seems they weren’t serious about commitment after all.
The Normal Person* may also draw a conclusion that the Savants* wasn’t as smart as they first thought.
As they learn to know each other in the role of the actual spouse, they will find their expectations going into the marriage weren’t the same.
You have changed! You are still the same!
Now, each spouse accuses the other for not living up to their expectations. The other has changed although they weren’t supposed to, and the other one hasn’t changed although they were supposed to.
It is important you know this is not a gender thing but an individual thing. Some women hate it when they’re asked to become someone’s perfect plastic wife, just the same as some men hate the expectation to become this perfect husband to parade around. Some people consider not changing for marriage an insult to the status itself and themselves, and they also change themselves to show respect to their spouse by changing into a respectable spouse.
It is absolutely vital you discuss this expectation with whomever you want to marry, to ensure they don’t expect you to change or that they do expect to assume a serious marital role.
The haircut example
Imagine this.
When they dated, he had a beautiful long hair.
Scenario one:
She is the Savants*, he is the Normal Person*. On the wedding day, she walks down the aisle looking for her groom, only to realize he is standing there, waiting with his haircut. She loved his hair! She adored his hair. It was one of those things that caught her eye. She fights off her feelings of disappointment over something so superficial and enjoys the wedding anyway. She hopes that he cut his hair under pressure from elder relatives and will grow it back after the wedding. Instead, he intended to turn into “a husband”, the very man she wanted to have nothing to do with – hence the reason why she specifically was looking for a rebel, someone who would never change under pressure.
Impatiently, she waits for him to snap out of it and turn back into the man she thought she was going to marry, but instead, he goes on about his days as if he was a completely other person… This boring, predictable man who eerily resembles her grandfather by his thinking.
In the meanwhile, he is wondering what is holding her from making a commitment and acting like a real wife…
Scenario two:
She is the Normal Person*, he is the Savants*. On the wedding day, he is waiting for her at the altar, in long hair. She feels absolutely gutted. He is mocking her. He wouldn’t even cut his hair for this day, dishonoring her, making her feel like a joke at her own wedding!
In a panic, she is wondering what did she do wrong to deserve this public humiliation. In what way has she insulted him so that he would go as far as to keep his hair long on their wedding day! She marries him, cheeks red of embarrassment and humiliation, voice trembling wondering what horrors await now that they have to talk about why he didn’t cut his hair for this.
He, of course, as a Savants* won’t understand what the hell she’s on about, after all, didn’t she marry him for who he is, rather than who he could be molded into? He keeps living his life the way he has always lived, making minimal changes to appease her, forever wondering how did she change so sudden, and so unexpectedly into someone he really didn’t want! She, on the other hand, keeps wondering how she has failed him so, that he keeps humiliating and punishing her for it, while refusing to say what it is…
Loosely related
The Femibitch (a gender role for the modern girlfriend/wife)
Not quite the feminazi, the femibitch is the Normal Person* thinking variety of a feminist. She’s not really self-identifying as a feminist (unless accused of disloyalty to the cause), but she signs up for most popular and loud ideas nonetheless. This means she toots the horn of feminism in the form of “taking no shit from men”. This means that she’s always trying to dominate in a relationship. She does this to live up to other women’s expectation. She seems unintimidated by a man because she’s been raised to believe men are to be forced into submission, and whatever goes wrong in a relationship is always his fault.
You may be attracted to the femibitch because she isn’t afraid of you. She isn’t apologetic around you. She doesn’t doubt your intent to do good and to please her. She is also not shy about asking you to do things for her. She is, thus, very familiar with you, and that feels safe and secure. It feels like she’s in love with you because she trusts herself to be able to talk to you sometimes in a disrespectful tone.
the Femibitch in contrast to a woman in love with you
In contrast, a Savants* thinking woman in love with you is usually over-cautious with you. She doesn’t want to make the wrong move with you, so she comes off as if she’s afraid of you. She acknowledges that she owns a half of the blame if your relationship doesn’t work. She is more than capable of looking into the mirror first, and she is not quick to jump to the conclusion that you want to share your life with her if your action doesn’t directly imply that… Or you don’t tell her so, or worse yet, you tell her the opposite to keep her keen.
The femibitch hasn’t got such worries. If you fail this relationship, she has another asshole to blame, not herself. She won’t be able to wait to get all of her girlfriends in for a slumber party where they can bag on you until they all lose go hoarse.
On top of that, there’s a point when the femibitch stops sleeping with you. This while she still expects you to stay in a relationship with her and loyal to her alone.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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