Rejection; the junkie, the fobic, and the elitist

To be fair, an elitist can be either the junkie or the phobic, and the idea of “superior” is at the core of all of these issues. Still, things will get complicated, when you add equality into the mix while there are still superiority-elements in people’s philosophy… And if there aren’t, there are no concept of “improvement”, and thus, trying to be a better person becomes impossible. But let’s just back up a bit.

You know people who absolutely cannot take rejection, are either angered or turned on by it or both. There are people who’d chase another person to the end of the world if that person rejects them – particularly if they give them a little attention (a seeming audition) and then decide “no thanks”.

Playing rejection junkies

People know how to play rejection junkies. They are so easy to egg into a chase, the condition is used in marketing ALL THE TIME; limited access means heightened desirability. Women use it constantly in sexual relationships: Limited sex or love means heightened desirability. Men play women with it all the time: “you can’t have me by the snap of your fingers like I know you’re used to”, and one thing is for sure, a rejection junkie will do anything to get the prize – and once they do, they lose interest in it.

A rejection junkie hates rejection, they cannot see how anyone would have THE RIGHT to reject them. They see it as such: “I want to be your friend. You must be my friend. The only reason why you might not want to be my friend is that you already have a friend.” They MUST make rejection go away, they cannot DEAL with their future until the no has been turned into a yes.

Playing rejection phobics

It’s also possible to play rejection phobics a bit. They are people who are suckers for open and elite invitations. They want to know that either everyone is welcome, either everyone or you for sure. A rejection phobic will run a mile when someone is trying to play on their rejection junkie -trigger because they FEAR rejection rather than need it in order to feel like they’ve got something TO GAIN. They fear losing face rather than gaining status. Therefore, if you want an elite rejection phobic to want your company you have to make sure you open the door for them wide while announcing that THOSE people are going to be left out. (Rejection phobics are often also perfectionists because they fear rejection and self-improvement is the best guard against it.)

An elitist is too good for your company

The elitist can be either, but usually a rejection phobic. The reason being, that if you FEEL superior, you don’t want anyone reminding you that you’re not by getting rejected. However, an elitist may take rejection rather well – at least normally – but freak out when someone rejects them in order to play them (True Emotion Mirrors playing each other is a bad idea here).

The elitist can feel, quite authentically, that they are better than other people, and while they may act humble and modest if that’s a part of their ideal, they may try and spend time with people of lower rank as a philosophical virtue, but in the end refuse to let these people close to them, because, at the end of the day, they’re still better than them. Like me, Nuno Bettencourt, and Russell Brand. :p (I name those two men because they would LOVE to find an opportunity to grow.)

Personal example

I like to do my confessions here. I’ve had a bad relationship to my mother since forever. I am an elitist rejection phobic, and she’s a Idealists* rejection junkie. What this dynamic does, is that she feels nobody has the right to reject anyone else or to prefer some other company than the company present, and therefore, when I feel like I’d rather do something other than spend time with my mother, she feels rejected and insulted even when it wasn’t meant to offend. However, I realized, that the very fact I feel my opinion and acceptance shouldn’t be that big of a deal to anyone, including my mom, that they cannot LIVE and MOVE ON after I’ve accepted them, put me in the position that I had to realize I truly feel I’m too good for her (and my former best friend’s) company.

That doesn’t mean that I DON’T hang out with them, I do, but I feel like I’m doing them a favor. I feel like they should be fucking thankful that I’ve lowered myself to the position of hanging out with them, and that, obviously, doesn’t feel good. When I acknowledged this before, I attempted to solve the problem by cutting ties with these women, my mother being one of them, in order to create more authentic connections in the future. However, both my mother and my former best friend being die-hard rejection junkies, the more I tried to reject them, the less they wanted to go. My rejection phobic mind thinks that OK, if I humiliate them enough, they’ll turn away and see they have a reason for self-respect and they can move on, but in reality, I was simply waving a red flag in a pen with two grown bulls in it.

How to give a yes without giving a yes

Where I got stuck with the rejection junkies was that OBVIOUSLY, I’m not going to be friends with people who I cannot find anything in common with. That’s out of the question. And it should be out of the question. However, if someone has their eye dead set on you, and they cannot take their focus off you, you have to give them a yes.

I’m too weak to say no to you

OK, I can’t fight you anymore. Come in if you want. I am too weak to stop you. (They love strength, which is a part of your attraction, so if you’re admitting to weakness in your mind, it should drop your desirability by a mile.) As in: Fight me and I’ll cave in. Come and ask for my friendship, and you’ll have it.

THIS will make them feel like a beggar, not the fact you’ve thrown them out a million times and they’re on their knees begging. YOU ARE BEING superior, and therefore, begging for your company and acknowledgment is not a lowering of their status, but a potential upgrade. If you are too weak to fight them, you’re no longer a conquest. In fact, you’re a charity, and thus, an embarrassment to hang out with.

I’m not too good for your company

Another thought you might find useful is to remind yourself you are not too good to spend time with them, or anyone else. Therefore, prepare yourself to ENJOY the time you’ll spend with this person to the height of the real possibility of it. Once they’re in, they’ll realize you have nothing to talk about, and their status didn’t improve by an inch by being your friend.

Show them how to get rejected

Another thing, if you’re acting superior, your admirers might think you’re a big deal. You’d get the doors open anywhere. You’d never accept rejection yourself.

Arrange situations where you get obviously rejected while they see you get rejected. Ask someone you know pretend their salon is too good for you, their company is too important for your small business, or tell a bouncer at the hottest club in town to not let you cut the line but makes you wait alllll the way in the back (even if you have always walked in right past the queue). Do all this right after promising your rejection junkie friend that you’ll get them to the salon, or the club, or try to become a client of a company over the phone while they’re watching.

Now, how to react? Be kind, accepting, understanding. Don’t get mad, just walk away from the situation with a positive outlook: “That’s OK, thanks for trying. Hey, there’s another cool restaurant over the other side, let’s go there.” Show the rejection junkie that it’s not the end of the world if one person or club rejects you, there’s always something else to look forward to. If you can, arrange a super fun night in the other club, and keep enthusing about what great luck it was to get rejected at the first club.

Why rejection junkies get drawn to rejection?

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx said it perfectly. The rejection junkie doesn’t know what is good, what is higher status, and lower status. Therefore, when they get rejected, they believe that’s “an uphill”, and therefore, that’s a way up. They are social climbers who want to ensure they will get a better position by walking up the hill. If it’s difficult, it must be uphill, right?

They love any level of rejection, and the stronger the rejection, the more they think you’re worth pursuing. Even if the barrier is just the final emotional “well, we can hang out but we’re not quite equal, are we” will keep them hooked for life.

Also, a rejection junkie hates rejection more than a rejection phobic does. They cannot even contemplate the possibility that no couldn’t be turned into a yes with a bit of persistence. They’ll waste their lives trying to get in a door that was shut in their face once… So open the door for them and let them feel acceptance. Put yourself in the emotional feeling of acceptance, love, and understanding. Treat them like a child if you must in order to connect with them emotionally. (Most of us can play child’s games with anyone, as children are used to playing in mixed groups, and some adults cannot understand why these games have stopped.)

A rejection phobic can grow

A rejection phobic would do wisely to learn that not all rejection is real. Some people test you “how much do you want it”… I’ve heard of schools and businesses who don’t even look at your first application because they want to know you still want it after a year or two, maybe three. Chasing what you want sometimes means that you must take rejection as a matter of course.

The trouble with expecting people to come back for your business and school or whatever is that you’ll almost guarantee everyone who persists is a rejection junkie, and their interest will vane as soon as they get in. They just want the yes, not the actual work related!

A rejection phobic should also know that sometimes people who think you might be out of their league will reject you romantically to see if you’d want them more after. A rejection phobic will run a mile, but maybe it’s not a wise thing to do if it’s a True Emotion Mirror. (A rejection junkie TrEmoR won’t appreciate love letters, by the way. A rejection phobic does.)

Still. Everyone hates rejection, it’s just a matter of how much and how we deal with it.

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