How does a person become addicted to a relationship that is breaking?

This post describes ONE situation, I feel. It maybe a romantic relationship or a friendship, a job, even, but the situation, in this case, is when a person of low social status suddenly gains an elevation by being accepted into “circles”, gaining them a sudden elevation in social status. The person in question is the Normal Person*, whose trust in relationships is at a relatively naive state, and the person accepting them is a Savants*, who doesn’t quite realize what such an elevation in status will do to the Normal Person*’s psyche.

Background

For this situation to occur, the Savants* must be a somewhat naturally talented, high-achiever, someone who feels they’ve had everything a little too easy in life. They feel the need to pay it forward, to give people a chance because they feel their good position is mainly due to good luck. They must hold somewhat of an idealistic view of people’s equality and wish to prove themselves to be an open-minded, good individual, who will help the underdog to positions where they wouldn’t otherwise reach.

The Normal Person* must be someone who seems like a nice person. Someone who isn’t morally corrupted at the time of the pair meeting. The Savants* MUST feel this person is worth saving, but they also must be aware of the level-difference in their looks, intelligence, and social status, even if they try to “stay humble” and remind themselves of their ideals of equality between people.

Typically, this might be a handsome the Savants* man who, in order to prove themselves to not be shallow and “thinking with their dick” will start a relationship with a woman of lower standards than him. Perhaps someone overweight, perhaps a little lazy, not particularly smart or beautiful, but who seems like a nice person otherwise. Sometimes she will make a strong pass at the man hoping to secure a marriage with someone of a higher status than her. This may not be the situation, but this might be considered a typical situation. For this to happen tho, the lower-level person MUST appear to be a NICE, decent human being who has had a bit of a hard life so far for reasons beyond their own control. The Savants* must feel a level of pity toward the Normal Person*.

Elevation of status and formation of new identity

If the Normal Person* in question is a little naive and quick to trust their own luck, they will relatively quickly or easily declare victory in that relationship. What I mean by that, is that due to some event that they associate with “commitment”, such as being introduced to the mother, they form a new identity (ego) that says they are the Savants*’s girlfriend. The point of “commitment” may be tough to discern and even tougher to predict, as it can be ANYTHING that shows acceptance or public display of the relationship. Being invited to a party as a date, being taken for the third date, anything that is public in front of other people.

Once this happens, the Normal Person* experiences a sudden elevation in status. They believe they are “a chosen one” that the Savants* “saw themselves in her (or him)” and that they are now A PART of the Savants*’s personality, too. They feel a certain unity, an unbreakable bond due to their admiration of the Savants* and the positive reflection from that the Savants* to their own view of self. “We are friends, therefore I am like you, we are equal.”

The Normal Person* may have a completely unrealistic view of self in terms of personal value and worth, as they believe people only ever make friends with their own equals, their own kin, if you will, so if a handsome, talented, well-to-do man dates ‘me’, I am beautiful, talented, well-to-do woman. The bonding experience may be stronger if the Savants* is of the same gender as the Normal Person*, making it even easier to mirror the Savants*’ positive traits back to the Normal Person* themselves.

Bragging, cutting the connection to old friends

The Normal Person* may be VERY VOCAL about their new relationship and thus their newfound elevated social status toward their old friends. They may be outright bragging about being better than their old friends, and they will do their utmost to underline their superiority toward their former friends and even family members. Not surprisingly, by doing so they will quickly be alienated from their old friends, which is also their own intent in doing so.

This is the burning bridges phase.

The Normal Person* turns out not to be what the Savants* expected

There are several reasons why the Savants* may want to break the relationship with the Normal Person* after a second thought. They may feel used by the Normal Person*, as the Normal Person* now views the situation as “what is yours is mine, but what used to be mine is still mine and what I can collect is mine but yours, but what is yours is definitely mine.” The Normal Person* may start feeling that the Savants*’s kindness means the Normal Person* is superior in this relationship, and thus entitled to everything the Savants* owns or may acquire; including new friends, connections, and business opportunities.

The Normal Person* may also turn out to be more than willing to abuse any new connections made, employing manipulative and self-serving tactics toward other people, while fully trusting their benefactor the Savants* will protect them from all harm. The Savants* being the Savants*, as soon as they realize this, they will want to break off the relationship as quickly as possible. This comes as a complete shock and a surprise to the Normal Person*, who can react in a number of ways.

Denial; treating it as a huge joke or a game of dare

They may decide the Savants* is JOKING about the break-up, that they are “playing hardball”, that this is some kind of a test (the clearing of which they expect to come with a high-reward payback upon “making up” with their the Savants*). They may see the breakup as a game of dare and a test of trust: “I know you said you’re breaking up with me, but I know you’re just testing my self-confidence. Once I prove to you how I trust myself, how I can keep up my own end of the appearances, you’ll accept me back, and tell me that secret you’ve been keeping from me, or reward me with an opportunity or an engagement ring…”

They may also believe that the breakup is a test of their sense of humor, but definitely a test in their trust of the Savants*. “I know you broke up with me, but I know you’re testing my trust and my loyalty to you.”

The real reason is that the idea that they’re losing their status scares the daylights out of them and they’ll explain the breakup away in any way they can, IT CANNOT BE TRUE, here’s why!

Revenge

IF the Normal Person* believes the breakup is real or actually happening, or that the Savants* is trying to make it too public for their liking (as in humiliating them too much) they may want to turn the tables on the Savants*: See the kind of shi… I can dump down YOUR NECK, if you want to play it this way…!

Let’s at least pretend!

The Normal Person* feels like their cash cow (whatever ‘cash’ they were milking, popularity, spiritual enlightenment -clout, ‘real ecologist’ -clout, you name it) is drying out. They feel they are going to be left back to their own vices, on their own merit, which, they are terrified of facing, isn’t much to brag about. Therefore, they will potentially go to extreme lengths to restore the relationship AT LEAST ON THE SURFACE to the way it was.

They may be happy (or even happier than) if their the Savants* will agree to pretend as if their relationship was the way it was at its’ best. It is UNLIKELY a Savants* will agree to this, but another the Normal Person* potentially would. An the Savants* will want their freedom back, and they hate pretence, to begin with and only ever stoop to pretence to “help” or to “give a person a chance” or when they still believe that a pretty/handsome the Normal Person* is actually a Savants*.

The Normal Person* cannot be really counted on to get OK with this

The less chances of another high social status -relationship the Normal Person* has, the less likely they are to break up easily from the Savants*. When the Normal Person* is more or less doomed to making NO new high-profile friends, they will be VERY RELUCTANT to let their ‘cash cow’ the Savants* slip away.

The BEST strategy is to let the Normal Person* pretend THEY are the one who broke off the relationship. They have a HUGE need of saving face, and they only need THEIR OWN FRIENDS (or social media following) to believe they weren’t dumped but that they did the dumping. You would do wisely to negotiate a lie you can both live with to explain the reason for the breakup that you will both cite when asked.

This may be too much to ask from a Savants* who may have been severely abused in this relationship with the Normal Person*, but the good news is, the Normal Person* ONLY WANTS to safe face in front of her or his own friends (and followers) and they don’t really care what anyone else thinks. The Savants* should negotiate that public version of the events, and then, both can tell whatever they want to tell to their own personal friends and family members. A public, mutually agreed t0 lie is better than no information at all. The story can be very close to the truth, too, but mutually agreed to save at least the Normal Person* from the embarrassment of having gotten dumped.

The Savants* must open the negotiations, offer the opportunity for the Normal Person* to save face, and put their foot down on things they will not be able to live with in the future.

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