“I don’t like you because you get to do X, while I’m not allowed to”

I am not entirely sure where the idea comes from, that in a civilized society something that others are allowed to do is banned from a person because they… Are something? Not pretty? Gay? Trans? While this may be partially true when laws don’t allow certain groups to marry, MOST OF IT is purely between the person’s own ears. The reason why I bring this up is because a lot of people can ONLY associate “dislike” with people who are “privileged” in some way: “You get to do what I am not allowed to do.”

This gets troublesome when people are being told they are disliked because of X, but the person accused of X believes the true reason this person doesn’t like them is because they can do something that they don’t, or that they “don’t like you”. The logic follows a pattern such as:

“You don’t like me, OK, it must be because I am X and that enables me to do Y, whereas you can’t do that because you’re Z.”

or

“I don’t like you because I imagine you are allowed to do X while I am not allowed to do that because I’m Z.”

If you have an unresolved conflict with someone try to figure out what they think you get to do that they think they’re not allowed to do, or whether they might think they’re entitled to something you are angry about not being allowed to do.

This can also take the form “I don’t like you because you don’t like me – you don’t let me hang out with you.” Again. With an ongoing conflict, figure out if they want something out of you and THINK they would be given that or they would give you what you want if someone would just ask.

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