Saying no to sexual acts: Be willing to be considered a prude or a bad sport #MeToo

Ladies and gentlemen, both young and old, please hear me on this.

The way people get coaxed into sexual acts they don’t want to do, (wherever your limit may be) is the fear of being labeled a prude, a goody-two-shoe, or a bad sport. This is the opposite fear of being labeled a slut. Listen to me when I say that there are both men and women who are into some crazy awful sex stuff that you can’t even imagine. (Drinking vomit, getting piercings in places you don’t want to imagine during sex, peehole fucking (yes that’s exactly what it sounds like), eating cereal out of someone’s anus, you name it… Piss and shit start to sound pretty lame here.) There is ALWAYS someone who is into something crazier and more disgusting than you are, and it is, therefore, OK to tap out where YOUR limit has been reached.

You need to understand there are people who are into it

The reason why some people approach these things without much of a worry is that they KNOW there are people who are into it because they’ve spent years thinking about it and connecting with similarly thinking people. They may also think that if you’re into this, you’re also into that, but that is hardly an automatic conclusion to be made.

However, when you know their request isn’t made out of the need to abuse, you’ll feel more empowered to say no. You’ll feel less scared to say no.

Kinksters are one thing, then there are the vanilla folks

In case you don’t know what the term “vanilla” means, you’re it. People who have very little sexual kinks, or don’t have them at all. This means a person who’d be shocked to find themselves having slept with someone on a first meeting. Then again, kinksters may take a long time to prepare, in fact, but you get my idea. Vanilla people are quite straight-laced and trust that sexual relationships follow a certain protocol.

Vanilla folk may be shocked and feel cornered if someone suggests sex to them out of the blue. This should be made quite clear, that there are people, men and women alike, who LOVE sleeping with strangers, and they are in no way oppressed or unhappy about it. It is important for you to know your limits and to KNOW you have the right to say no and be disappointing. Also, you should make a point about allowing yourself to be prudish by someone’s standard because everybody’s “normal” is a pretty vague concept.

What is normal sex (vanilla)

NORMALLY, when we discuss sex between practical strangers, who know NOTHING about each other upon their encounter, probably somewhat globally, is a pretty standard thing. And as we see a standard set of behaviors, we can pretty much sum it up to be what we’d consider “normal”. (How do I know? Years of empiric research spanning a couple of continents and several nationalities. Yes. I’m a bit of a slut.)

What you can expect people to expect are kissing, cunnilingus (by his decision), and vaginal intercourse, but that’s about it. Everything else is “by request”. “A no” is a perfectly acceptable answer.

Blowjobs are NOT common between complete strangers, and they don’t go all the way to ejaculation if they happen. (You don’t have to swallow.)

Younger generations may be a little more used to blow jobs and anal intercourse in jurisdictions where the availability of birth control has been strictly limited. Other than that, I think we’re still generationally very similarly aligned. (Parents in those Bible-belt areas, please consider the choice between allowing your youth to use condoms versus encouraging them to take it up their butt… Because, frankly, we’re disgusted and I think Jesus would agree.)

What people get all giddy about on social media and so forth is probably nothing that they get a lot, so ignore those things.

However, please know that this list of acts is considered BASIC, and there are people who’d gladly take things into a lot spicier areas.

No need to impress people who are into weird stuff

Remember this. There is NO POINT for you to try and please people who are into stuff you don’t want to do. You’re not going to have a continued relationship with those people, so disappoint them all you want. Also, your real friends and true lovers will respect you for having said no to stuff like this, as they are not into it, either. If you have, they’ll feel empathy, and won’t judge you, but it would be better if you let them feel respect and relief by having said no to these things.

If you already failed to say no

If you have already allowed people to cross your boundaries, you’ll just have to realize you can’t change what happened, but… Tell you what: The reason why it bothers you is probably that you don’t trust yourself to be able to say no the next time someone tries to see what else they could do to you. That’s a good reason to be bothered by something. Your mind is telling you that you are still in danger, and it wants you to fix it for yourself.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, and don’t try and tell yourself it was OK, because it wasn’t. You made a mistake letting it happen, but you don’t need to repeat that mistake.

The embarrassment of being caught off guard

Also, you probably didn’t see it coming, and if you feel that you’re a well-rounded adult, who is not naive to the slightest, having been faced with something you simply DIDN’T expect to be in the realm of possibility to happen, it might be a bit of a sting to your ego. So, honestly, were you more shocked to have found yourself in that situation, or by the fact you didn’t expect to see it happen?

(I actually just watched a video on YouTube about a porn star that was traumatized by something she was blind-sighted by during shooting, and I felt embarrassed on MY OWN BEHALF for never having seen such a thing. I also felt relieved for the first time that I haven’t gone into porn or sex work, as that would have caught me off guard, too. I mean I’ve seen quite a lot, and she has probably seen a ton of more, but I felt embarrassed because I would ALSO have been complete “what now excuse me you want me to do what exactly?!” And perhaps agree to it before even realizing what they actually meant… Too late when the cameras are rolling…? No. It isn’t, but I get it.)

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