Power Move: Give people correct expectations

Let me tell you a story of a lightning-bulb moment I had yesterday.

I had a personal website back from 2001 onwards. On the front page, I gave a disclaimer to suggest my posts were potentially triggering and that if you didn’t like it, you could just go back where you came from, right? I was a little contentious because I didn’t want anyone to be triggered without a trigger warning, right? Also, I’d been surprised that some people found my posts to be provocative at times, or maybe as a peace-loving the Savants*; I just expected them to be, I’m not too sure.

I got a lot of hate mail, but I was not sure why

I got A LOT OF HATE MAIL, confirming my belief that what I was saying was really triggering. I’ve done a few dives to my old archives as of late and found my posts to be more insightful than I thought and a lot less aggressive than what I remembered. Still, I got all that hate mail, and yesterday I read through some of it because I used to publish them on my website. (If you’re too young to know this, an HTML website is built locally on your computer first, and you can view it without a server environment, as you need with PHP scripts.)

Spirit discussion with my hater from 20 years back

Whenever I think of a person, they get pulled into the conversation whether I like it or not. So when I read through this one email, that was an aggressive, vulgar, full-blown attack on my character, sexuality, etc., and this guy gets pulled into the spirit conversation. I tried to dodge him and get him to go away, but eventually gave up, and annoyed, I go: “So what is it about it that still annoys you THAT MUCH?! Is it because you fear I might be RIGHT about being too good for you and your kind?” He didn’t say anything for a while, and I kinda forgot the whole thing when all of a sudden, his expression brightens, and he goes: “No! It’s because I came in to be IRRITATED, and I wasn’t irritated. And that irritated me.”

I did not meet his expectations. He didn’t know how to handle “a bitch” who wasn’t that big of a bitch.

On the other hand, I felt GUILTY for not being able to love everybody and be friends with everybody. I’ve always HATED rejecting men (and LOVED rejecting women. The look on a woman’s face when she realizes someone GENUINELY doesn’t want sex with her – even though she’s polyamorous AND single – is priceless. Gay men must freaking love it. Anyway, since I felt guilty for not wanting to be with everybody, even though they were nice men, deserving people, all that, I felt like A BITCH. I knew it was illogical, but I still couldn’t help it.

“You always said you didn’t want a relationship.”

My friend’s idea of who I am is equally screwed up. I often complained that sometimes men take casual sex a bit too seriously. I complained about having to dodge phone calls when they wanted a date after or about being put in the uncomfortable “can I have your phone number” position the morning after.

This never meant I didn’t want commitment WITH ANYONE; it’s just that the men I loved tend to be a little more challenging to catch than the men I had one-night stands with. And I thought it was a given everybody is looking for true, everlasting love, but I considered myself enlightened in that I didn’t think I needed to wait by the phone for the man I wanted to finally call me and make an honest woman out of me.

I also didn’t think it MATTERED what my best friend thought of my true intentions, but it did. ALL THE MEN I was seriously interested in went to her for the scoop. “What is she really like? Is she interested in relationships at all?”

Fuck no. Not interested in fucking relationships. I just wrote 30+ books worth of material about the topic, trying to figure out why all my relationships fucking fail at the gates. I couldn’t give less of a fuck, lol. 😀

My aggressive disclaimers

I also tend to write aggressive disclaimers to my blogs too. I do this because I don’t want to argue. The purpose of these disclaimers is to say that you don’t have to like what I say, believe what I say, or have anything to do with the blog, but if you do, please don’t bombard me with HATE and stupid arguments just to feel better. Don’t read if you can’t handle the fact people see things differently from yourself – your problem, not mine, right?

However, I put them on the backfoot at the gates of the blog. They are PREPARED to find flaws, right? The bit where THEY get screwed over, but there isn’t any.

So I interpret this that OK if you don’t LIKE what I say, it means you’re selfish, right? You just want people to pander TO YOUR NEEDS, and I am not going to LET YOU keep bullying other people to serve your needs at the expense of those of their own. However, if they think I’m AGGRESSIVE, they may feel that OK, she’s saying something that is WRONG. If they believe that it is RIGHT for men to serve the needs of women in relationships at the cost of their own needs, then it’s THEIR JOB to restore me to the position where I get to be served, and men do the serving.

So my female visitors thought I was saying MEN need to get their way in relationships, or women don’t get to have them.

They think I’m angry at the men who demand sexual favors, and I’m simply reporting my findings that “oh, you know if you want true love, you have to completely surrender to the need of men and accept your position as their fuck toy…” Which is the OPPOSITE to what I’m saying. I couldn’t be in MORE of disagreement with that; in fact, I keep preaching to women that if you do not want vanilla sex with a polite guy, or BDSM with a brute, you have to learn to SAY NO or SCREAM NO if you have to. And by no means am I saying you have to put out or get out of a relationship… Except when I say so in the meaning of you can’t demand a man to give up his sexuality so that YOU can have a relationship.

I am firstly angry at women who think it’s their business what I do with my lovers. I am also saying that whatever you are, you must demand the right to be, or… more to the point, casually describe yourself as, say, “grown men’s fuck toy” and let those with an objection fuck right out of your life… AT THE FUCKING GATES.

Never ask for permission to what you are, and simply state it. Casually, without aggression.

I’ll try to do the same. Starting now.

The uhmaizing featured image is by TweSwe from Pixabay

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