I’m polyamorous, but I don’t know how to handle my jealousy. What to do?
I’ve filed this question under the “main trap relationship” (at least at the time of writing this) because this is definitely “a main trap” question. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a polyamorist and fully, fully support the idea most of us are. Still, if you are doing polyamory as a growth exercise, to “learn to handle feelings of jealousy,” in my books, you’re doing it wrong, or you’re not a polyamorist. I teach people to finally stop plugging their metaphorical eyebrows against their will, you know? Let them eyebrows grow if you want them to. I’ll keep plugging mine but… I digress.
First time I thought of polyamory.
By my recollection, the first time I thought about polyamory was in my early twenties. I remember thinking how fun it would be to have more than one serious boyfriend (as opposed to casual flings and fuck buddies). Then, I thought if I wanted that, I’d have to accept other women, as I automatically, without a second thought, assumed my husbands would want to sleep with other women if I have the right to sleep with other men, right? What is fair is fair. So I rejected the whole idea, because if I knew anything about myself, it was that I ain’t sharing a man with a god damned woman. I’d rather settle for one, you know?
I am personally naturally polyandrous. I have 0 interest in “handling my possessiveness,” my “territorialism,” or “learning to accept other women.” In fact, I became a polyamorist the moment I realized I don’t HAVE TO accept other women to keep my natural partners happy. The realization was MIND BLOWING. Now other women, as far as I’m concerned, can go fuck themselves. I LOVE kicking women out, and I LOVE the fact my men look at me doing it with a grin on their faces. They love it; I love it; we’re polyandrous by our natural leaning, and ALL OF IT is simply ALLOWING ourselves to BE, to STOP TRYING to behave, to STOP TRYING to be a better person.
“Growth as a person” vs. accepting your authentic self.
Before, I had to learn to let go of my men who married other women. I had to accept monogamy as a limitation in my life. I became damned good at letting go and controlling my drives, too. I learned to accept that every one of us gets one partner, and that’s normal. But my primary drive has always been to make my men happy – and that, in the world of monogamists, means pick one and stick to him.
My natural partners learned to direct their romantic attention to their wives and each to stay faithful to them in their respective holy matrimonies – despite wanting to rather fuck a friend’s wife if they even allowed themselves that feeling. They had to accept the fact that the woman they loved couldn’t marry them all, and reincarnationally, how they solved this was by “taking turns at being my husband,” dying out of the way of their brother so the brother could marry me next. When I realized this… Phew. Let me tell you what: I know my husbands would die for me, but mothafuckas, I’m going to force them to live for me from now on and live with the fact loving me means getting everything they want and having it twice a day.
Loving your sister wives and brother husbands is a natural thing, not “a growth exercise.”
My husbands love each other, not because they’re such good, evolved fucking men. Not because they’ve “grown as people” but because their feelings are there… because they love what they’re looking at: My brother, my friend, my lover. They cannot NOT love each other and me; they cannot stop WANTING TO be with each other and myself. I know, half the time, I am but a second thought on their minds: they want to love each other, be in a relationship WITH EACH OTHER; I’m but a happenstance in that equation. Even if they didn’t love me, they’d love each other. If they didn’t have me, they’d replace me with some other woman to be with each other, but I am confident I am their first and authentic choice – otherwise, I’d be looking for another bunch… Another unit of men, if you will. One that loves me as much as they love each other – but the point being, in this case, they don’t HANDLE their jealousy – they get turned on by the sharing; they don’t feel jealousy or “compression.” They feel a fucking hard-on.
Therefore, if you need to battle jealousy and disgust, even if you’re either with the wrong people or in the wrong type of poly dynamic. You maybe naturally monogamous, and there is NO NEED for you to try and tolerate polyamory. It’s not a school report requirement. Your task, in the school of life, is to figure out WHAT YOU WANT out of your life, but I digress. Now. Think back to before you thought polyamory was a fucking halo-polishing exercise. Which category of porn did you direct your browser to? Gang bangs? 2 on 1? Orgies? Lesbians? Gay? Some romantic scene with just two people? NONE OF THOSE THINGS are there to polish your fucking halo; they’re there so you can polish your knob, dude, and which category you get into tells more about you than whatever holier-than-thou polyamorous mashup you’ve been involved in previously.
I’ve only ever watched lesbian or FMF porn thinking, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BITCHES DOING?!” Why would you want to? Eww. Anyway. I digress.
Proving yourself not to be a hypocrite will get you points but will make you unhappy.
You may also not like the other men or the other women because they’re the wrong men or the wrong women. They may be there to fill up your numbers, right? Another halo polishing polyamorous people get to is to TRY AND FALL in love with people who you’re actually never going to fall for. I’ve done that as a monogamist far too much for any fucking person to do. It’s unnatural and has never worked. What you DO have to learn to do, is to resist the temptation to get INTO a polyamorous soup just to prove that you’re fucking open-minded and sexually adventurous, right? Stop caring what people who you don’t love think of you, and while you’re at it, WHICH PEOPLE’S judgment do you most fear and why? THAT tells you something.
If you fear the judgment of men, that signals you’re polyandrous by your nature – whether you’re male or female yourself. If you fear the judgment of women, that points toward polygyny. If you fear both men and women would judge you for not being able… Well, that truly doesn’t happen… Polygynandrous people fall into polyamory quite easily, quite painlessly, because both polygynandrous men and women think of it similarly: basically, a person’s sex (gender) means very little, but to a polyandrist and polygynist, a person’s gender matters. It’s very difficult to explain that to polygynandrous people, especially if they’re also bisexual, which makes it IMPOSSIBLE for them to wrap their mind around why polygynist and polyandrist people have trouble accepting the other gender into their soups. Basically, they don’t know what they’re asking us to do because they’re polygynandrous. Their natural self is wired differently.
People’s sex (gender) matters.
You have every right to exclude people from your bedroom and your intimate relationships based on their gender alone. That is a FANTASTICALLY good reason to do it. You cannot use inclusiveness principles to get to fuck somebody (or their spouse), OK? And TRUST ME there are people who won’t stop trying to sleep with reluctant people blaming them for hypocrisy if they don’t. It’s like a feather in a cap for them, to get to fuck people who don’t really want them and someone saying “I’m polyamorous” will just make their day: “OOOOOOOOOO! Now I’ll prove you a hypocrite! If you don’t sleep with me, I’ll tell everyone you’re not a REAL polyamorist!” Don’t fall for their shit. In 20 years, that will be considered rape and it can’t happen soon enough, either.
Natural polyamory is more a drive and a fetish than a philosophy.
Just like heterosexuality is not a freaking state of closemindedness, polyamory is not a virtue to drive for as much as it is a fetish. Still, many people to whom polygynandry is a natural state make both bisexuality and polygynandry sound like something only holy people are fine with. That’s all bullshit, just as much bullshit as naturally monogamous straight people thinking overly highly of themselves for being able to remain monogamously married their entire lives. Hoorrray! You’ve fulfilled your natural urges there. Fought no currents, I’m sure.
You’re poly if you love more than one person romantically, and then you get a subdefinition based on WHO you (would) love (to fuck) and who you (would) love seeing fucking and loving your spouse(s). As a polyandrist woman, I don’t “accept” my husband’s bisexual streak; I LOVE it. I don’t ask or force them to bend, even though I LOVE man-on-man action, but it turns out that very few of them dislike the idea. In turn, they don’t “accept” or “tolerate” other men with me; they seem to be hungry for even more men to see how many other men I can satisfy. They feel a weird sense of pride of my sluttiness. Do you know what it’s like to be loved for the very thing I always thought would cost me love and happiness, respect, care? The very thing I tried to hide – even if obstinately, I kept saying to myself “if a man has an issue with me having slept with all of these men before, he is NOT Mr. Right!” Turns out, my Misters Right not only NOT have an issue with me having slept with other men BEFORE our relationship started, they very much wish me to keep going, while they don’t even care what other women around us are doing.
What if you’re okay with your spouse fucking someone, but sharing them romantically is a bit of a leap?
Again, I bring myself up here. I am, in theory, fine with my husbands fucking other women on the odd occasion, as long as I know romantically, they’re fully devoted to me. I CANNOT STAND the feeling when a man can’t decide whether he loves another woman or me, especially if I feel I am obviously the superior choice to her. I feel like “hey if you can’t tell the difference in which one of us is the superior, the dominant, the smarter, more talented… Then, I’m pearls for to swine in your case, and you better go with her. I’ll save myself for men capable of genuinely appreciating what I am.” Therefore, I judge nobody for feeling that way: you can fuck them but don’t fall in love with them.
However, if you simultaneously try to hold onto someone while they’re naturally falling for someone else or multiple other people, then, again, you’re holding onto someone who isn’t authentically yours. In that case, I’d try acting jealous: maybe your partner will actually feel flattered rather than offended, but if they’re truly falling for another person, maybe it’s time to face the reality of it all.
I actually love my men being jealous and competitive; as long as they don’t get so jealous, they have to leave -but then, realities, right? Also, jealousy can be a very high aphrodisiac for a lot of people, so I don’t think that simply because some people feel no jealousy at all, you should fight it because whatever feelings you feel, they’re better explored… And trust me every feeling you get to the bottom of will give you insight to yourself you will cherish.
I don’t care which bend you go for, as long as you’re happy.
I don’t care which bend of polyamory you go for; I want you to feel as happy and… FED… Satisfied, satiated, even, by your relationship. Personally, AS LONG AS other bitches understand that is not an invitation to feed at my table. To quote a Guns n Roses song: “You can have everything you want, but you better not take it from me.” Having said that, the women I want around me are actually other polyandrists, interestingly enough. One would think the last thing I want around me is another polyandrist woman to compete over my men, but there’s a logic to it: We all want our men to be happy. Our men are happy with a one-woman boys’ show, right? WE want no women into our intimate space, therefore, the polyandrist women around me won’t try to get too close to me, she won’t try to DELIBERATELY fuck my men while they’re involved with me because that would disgust her; instead, she’ll have them if their attention will sift to her, and he’ll become HER husband instead. I am hard-wired to want the happiness of my men, and if that takes another woman to happen, that’s what I want. I want my men to want to be with me more than anyone else, and if that’s not true, I want them to go with the woman they love more than they love me… To make THEMSELVES happy, NOT HER… Or me.
The way you are naturally polyamorous is determined by WHOSE happiness you care about. Men? Women? Both? Only that of your own while others exist only to make you happy? If it’s only you who you care about, then you’ll just have to wait for the day when you actually fall in love with someone. It’ll happen, but before it does, you don’t really know your authentic bend. (If you know which gender you love more or that you love both genders equally, you might want to think on this: You’ll do them a favor by not doing them favors. If you walk away from a person you don’t love, you’ll force them to keep looking for their true loves, even if they don’t know why they should want to, yet.)
Beggars of love.
There are beggars of love around you everywhere. They want your excess, they want what you have, they want you to give up what you have for them, they want you because you’re not limited to one, why not one more..? And yes, a True Emotion Mirror with you will feel a bit like that, they feel any glimmer of hope you(r soup) might love them feels like begging for love, but that’s not what I mean. I mean people who try to sway you, force you into thinking differently, who want to control your way of thinking, so it benefits themselves, and they want to make you feel like a hypocrite if you don’t cater to their emotional and sexual needs – this goes for both men and women equally.
These are people who have never yet fallen in love with anyone in their lives – but they confuse crushes and desperate need for “falling in love.” No, they’ve fallen in desperation.
Confession.
Now, after having said all that, I have a confession to make. I have never BEEN in a polyandrous relationship in physical life. That is MY burden to bear: To fight my ego to stop myself from PROVING MYSELF by collecting some rat pack of men1 for myself to prove that I can actually do it; either collect a harem or to have the gumption to be sexually used by a pack of wild men. To gain EXPERIENCE rather than self-awareness. To me, being polyamorous means self-acceptance, knowing which way you’ll naturally align, and having the love to wait for the right ones, the same way as a monogamist waits for the right one.
Curiously, I made a conscious realization about that once. I’ve always had actual, real-life, non-theoretical casual sex with multiple men, but never with two at the same time, nor have I been involved with two men at the same time. But I always felt that the first time I’m with two or more men simultaneously, it has to happen naturally. While other girls saved themselves for true monogamous love, I wanted to save myself for my true lovers, and my first time with more than one man to my true loves. That hasn’t happened yet, for a reason, I’m sure.
I’ve had my chances to sleep with more than one person at the same time – never had a chance to get involved in an actual polyrelationship in any natural way – I’m sure I could have gone on a dating site looking for a polysoup, but that has never felt like the right thing to do for me… Uh, I had a chance to sleep with my absolute biggest freaking crush at the time and another woman once. I told myself that this was somewhat of a do-or-die situation, something to prove my sexual adventurously with. All I’d have to do to be with this crush of mine (he looked like a splitting image of Axl Rose with a tinge of Zakk Wylde in him. Man.. He was hot as… I was 19, I think… Also pretty damned hot. ;p Anyway…) All I had to do to finally sleep with him was to share him with this girl… Oh and why wouldn’t I?
At the end of the night, I bailed out. I could not bring myself to get involved with another woman. The thought of it kept my skin crawling. Instead, I went home with another guy, whom I wound up getting engaged to, and then dumped him for this guy some months later when a glimmer of hope arose in me again. I should have probably ADDED him rather than dumped him, as my fiance wasn’t exactly chopped liver, either. (But that damned mothafucka cut his beautiful long hair and quit his male stripper gig without asking me to fit into a husband role better, and I fucking hated that move. I was gutted but didn’t know how to tell him how fucking unfair I thought that was. I wanted to scream that if I had wanted to marry his dad, I would have hit on his dad, not him.)
You know what the irony is? In spirit, the Axl Rose -lookalike told me something to this effect… He thought I was so hot that he alone wouldn’t be enough(!!!) – he is polyandrist, you know, and polyandrist men seem to accept women as polygynists because they think alike but IN REVERSE. He tried to TEMPT ME with this other woman when he should have found his hairy beast of a best friend and suggested double-team action, but as a polyandrist, that shit seems just too good to be true, like he’s doing it for himself and I’d wind up abused by TWO men instead of one. You know? That would have been my dream to come true, too, but as we try and make things right for the people we love or are interested in, we wind up ruining things for everyone.
“Signs” of your polyleanings.
Now, I could list you a ton of signs to point you what type of a polyamorist you are, but at the end of the day, whatever your instinct tells you to do, the WHAT and WHO you want and wish to be with, your obsessions, your hangups… THEY are there to guide you to the right place. What would you do if nobody had told you anything at all? If you were COMPLETELY naive to the ways of love, women’s needs, men’s needs, and you’d do everything from a pure state of projection: “What I want, you want”? If you could snap your fingers and the world, and men and women in it, would fall into line – what would you get?
In this exercise, it’s best to keep the people anonymous – faceless; imagine simply genders and base-level personalities. Men or women, both? Young, old, same as yourself?
An expression a potential True Emotion Mirror of mine turned me down with: he wasn’t going to be a part of some rat pack of men… He should see what kind of rats they are, but still, I loved his expression. ↩
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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