Why playing “a role” in a relationship is bad?

There are people who like to pretend to be someone who is not in a relationship with other people. This is unlikely intended as a form of deception, but that’s how it’s often received. It might not make sense to a person what “just be yourself” means or why it’s bad that they’re not that person if they can convincingly pull that off.

The answer to the first question is you are what you enjoy, and to be yourself means you openly enjoy the things you enjoy – and avoid the things you don’t. This means sometimes people won’t like you, because you enjoy different things than they do, but when they do like you, they love you, right?

Straight-up identity theft is rather obviously bad, yes?

The trouble with the second question; what if you can convincingly pull it off, is a little trickier. If you can convincingly be someone you’re not, aren’t you that person, unless we’re talking about a straight-up identity theft of someone with a pre-existing reputation in a group you joined, like a doctor? But if we’re simply talking about adopting character traits – if you enjoy being that kind of a person, then you are that person. If you are interested in the same things as you say you are, then you are that person.

If you are saying you are “a psychologist,” for instance, but don’t have a degree, that’s deception. Further, if you are a life coach and people take you for a psychologist, then that’s not your fault unless you don’t correct them when they make that assumption. Why that’s bad? Psychologist, for one, has an automatic duty to keep your privacy if you’re their client, but a life coach doesn’t. Therefore, an issue if you allow someone to spill their guts to you and you don’t intend to keep that secret because it’s not, technically, required of you. Legally, you’d be treated like a tell-a-tale friend, right?

Less dramatically, you’ll be boring and disappointing.

But… The harm done by pretending to be someone you’re not is usually not “bad” but trite – boring and disappointing. Tell a lie or tell the truth – if what you say is interesting but not true, you might as well not say it. You’re still NOT that person.

I remember a new friend telling someone how she “always” walks her big dogs in stiletto heels. The first time I saw her walking her dogs, she put on her boyfriends’ dirty sneakers to do it. Although it made absolutely no difference to me that she did that, I took a notice how small that lie was, how unnecessary, but in doing so, she put everything else she’s ever told me to a question… Is she really that cool, or is she just a decent storyteller?

Then again, if you manage to make your stories interesting and exciting, it doesn’t really matter if they’re not true. Once your friends find out you tell stories to entertain them, you’re good. It’s just that people don’t want to really admire your character and then find out that the character is completely made up. You just vanish. You become a nobody as soon as they find out your character is fictional.

High-level individuals believe that talent exists.

Talented people believe talent exists. High IQ people believe high IQ is a real thing. People who are artistically skilled believe in the existence of artistic people; to them, all of those things are every day. A CONSTANT. They don’t see why it’s so difficult to BE those things so you don’t have to fake it.

Talented people struggle to find their equals. They are not going to be impressed by someone who merely pretends to be what they always have been. Imagine someone wearing a costume pretending to be you, expecting that you don’t notice they’re but a cheap copy? That’s how they feel about you. You’re just a child pretending to a fireman in front of a real fireman… Only… Not a child. That’s…

Sad.

Like… I’m on Second Life, because it’s awesome. There are grown-ass men basically wearing the skin of my former boyfriends… Trying to pass themselves off as “cool” as the men I’ve dated since 18. Do you think I find that exciting… For a second, when I can clearly tell they know nothing about what their avatar looks like he should know? Pretending to be someone you’re not in real life doesn’t fall short of that embarrassment.

Your main job is to be entertaining.

Your main purpose in any relationship is to be entertaining. I don’t care what you say about it. If you’re not entertaining, you had better be functional. If you are neither, you are automatically replaceable by someone who is one or both of those things. In general, if you are not making other people’s lives better by being in it, you’re not pulling your weight. If you are not entertaining, you have no or only a short leash to be problematic.

There are people who are ALWAYS interesting. Every word that comes out of their mouth is an experience to the people around them. Those kind of people are rare, but they exist. A person like that will have a very long leash in being problematic. Someone who is never even noticeable in the positive sense, will have almost no leash to be problematic. And still, the leash for problems is going to snap at some stage… Like Amber Heard. I’m sure she was pretty entertaining when she was entertaining… Unfortunately, I think she tried a little too hard to be entertaining…

At any rate: You gotta be worth your shit, right?

They may not kick you out straight away, but you’ll have a target on your back now.

People may not react to you if they notice you’re faking it a bit, but that doesn’t mean they don’t notice. They notice things like you not being genuine in your interests, in your sympathy and kindness, that your intellect lacks depth. When they notice things like that, they are more than likely trying to look for excuses to make you a former friend. If you are not genuinely interested in the same stuff, if you are not sympathetic or genuinely kind, you also cannot be trusted by your friends. They won’t know who you will bow to when going gets tough. You will be, not only boring, but also, a liability.

“But I’ll always be there,” you may protest. But the question is? You will be there for what, exactly? All the glitter and weed you can use? Promotions your cool friends can get you? Backstage passes? How about when your friend gets attacked on social media, dragged through the mud for false allegations of domestic violence or child abuse… Will you be there to defend them or to attack them, saying you know them well and you always thought there was something “off” with them? You see, if your personality is fake, your friendship is fake, and if your friendship is fake, you will not only NOT be there when you’re needed, you’ll more than likely turn to the side of the attacker, too. You cannot be trusted if your entire personality is fake.

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