Are they selfish or just afraid to lose something actually important to them?

When you accuse someone of being selfish or intrusive, the motivation of that person is usually not selfishness or greed but a fear of losing something or not having access to something that belongs to them. The thing they hold onto might be something that isn’t all that important, not even for them, but they fear giving in on this buffer item will risk the thing that is TRULY valuable to them. They will bicker over a fence when they fear for the yard.

On the other side, when a seemingly selfish person is hanging onto something that doesn’t truly belong to them, the reaction to it tends to be to take a mile, right? To push them off the game board completely, since they’re being selfish and unreliable. The mistrust then spreads both ways.

What if you decided to trust them, so that you react to them as a reasonable person who only needs to trust you that YOU don’t take more than your share if they give you your share. That this isn’t one of those things where first, you ask what’s truly yours, then you ask another thing, and now, the buffer is completely gone. Now, you start eating at what they consider theirs. That’s the fear.

Politics, for example.

So you’re an activist with a stern belief that all governments are rotten to the core and filled with selfish people. To you, a politician at the bottom of the ocean is nothing but a good start. You then go ask that person to give you what is rightfully yours. How do you think you come off? What energy do you put into them, and what will be their reaction?

Now, some people believe governments are made of people with the best intent to keep everyone safe and their lives running reasonably well. When they see a problem somewhere, they figure: “Hey, there’s a problem that the people in the government haven’t noticed, being human and all. I should probably write them a letter and make them aware of the problem so they can fix it.” Their chances of getting their way are much greater; they assume the opponent is a reasonable human being, not a power they need to topple. And a little flattery goes a long way. (Honest flattery works best, but in the case of a narcissist, you can always flatter them for traits they don’t even possess and make them act accordingly.)

Sure enough, there are people in power who are fearful of their own position and the safety of the system and can say no to everything to protect their system, but you know… It’s always the best course of action to TRY addressing them as if they were decent human beings, as you can turn even a decent human being into a defensive one if you address them as if they already were a villain before you even met them.

In personal relationships.

When you’re dealing with a single selfish person, you will have a higher chance of getting through to them if you remind yourself that they fear losing something if they give you what is rightfully yours. Talk about it. Negotiate the matter. Ask them what it is that they fear losing if they give you what you ask, and remind them that you’re confused because what you ask is more than fair or rightfully yours.

The chances are they haven’t thought about it and they’re reacting from a gut, but put that to them. Ask them what it is that you should do, considering it is only fair you get what you ask for. You will force them to admit they are fine with you not getting what belongs to you, after which they are forced into awareness of their own selfishness, OR they must give in to your demands. Obviously, this will only work if your request actually IS fair.

Ask them for a solution.

Whenever you are put in a situation that is uncomfortable or unpleasant or unfair to you, ask them how to go about it. Maintain a humble tone, don’t get sarcastic. Ask for a real solution. When they try to insist to themselves that you should know it, when you humbly ask them to explain it to you, maybe they realize there is no fair way to go about it, apart from what you ask. IF they try to give you another bullshit answer, just again, equally humbly, pick the answer apart: “But you forgot that…” “You ignored this” or “but how about this part…”

Keep assuming there is a solution, don’t give them a way out by accusing them of being stupid, selfish, or something other negative, so that by accepting the unflattering label, they’ll get away from the need to come up with an answer.

Remain certain there’s an answer, and once they feel frustrated about the lack of optional ways out (including the negative label) suggest the solution you had in mind all along, with reassurances that they are not going to lose what they fear losing if they give in.

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