Turn the toxic love of the Survivalist* into a mutually beneficial deal.

Toxic love can feel very strong to the person feeling it. It can feel like “true love” because it borders on obsession. However, the object of toxic love rarely feels happy about it. In fact, being the object of toxic love can give you a trauma that is difficult to shake. You may fear loving others because you know how awful it feels to be tyrannically “loved” by someone you don’t want.

In this context, I’ll refer to “true love” a little looser than I usually do. I refer to it as love that has the full potential to become a True Emotion Mirror connection, but it may turn out to be a tad off. However, your heart is in the right place.

Toxic Love from the feeler’s perspective.

A person who feels toxic love toward a person feels that that person has so much talent and assets, they’re such a “catch,” that they could EASILY make one who knows how to use all that potential very happy indeed. If that person is single at an advanced age, they’ll feel surprised nobody else has caught on to their potential yet, and they may feel like they have to rescue that person from giving that potential to a complete stranger if they’ve known each other for a long time or are family.

They feel: “Stop, I can use you here! I can put your talent and skills to good use! You’re useful right here with me!” They don’t love the person; they love what they can or could do. They believe that person feels useless and discarded by others, and they want to tell that person that they are valuable and useful to them.

So, even toxic love isn’t through-and-through toxic…

What makes it toxic.

But what makes it toxic is their belief that they are what the other person wants to worship. They don’t stop to consider the other person’s perspective. Are they even willing to be that person to them? They don’t consider that they might have a lot of options to choose from and that the toxic lover might be their least favorite option. They may brutally stop that person from leaving, as they believe they’d rather be anywhere but with them, without any real reason to believe that.

To a person like this, “true love” means a life-long opportunity given to be useful to someone – to be helped to survive the big bad world. They ignore the fact that a person with a lot of potential has a lot of opportunities to choose from and doesn’t need that much help to survive anyway even in tough conditions, being talented and resourceful. They want certain things that the toxic lover may not be able to provide. Their goals are higher. For instance, it makes a huge difference whether you’re “working for” your mom or your lover. The paycheck is vastly different. While one person prefers to “work for” a parent, another wants to work for a lover.

And there’s the other marker; they see “true love” very much as a job opportunity. They see the other person’s preferences and wishes as an inconvenient barrier to their survival.

They use your emotions to manipulate you.

The Survivalist* doesn’t really understand emotions, but is more than happy to use them to get what they want. They know there are certain triggers in you that they can use to make you to do what they want you to do – often believing it to be mutually beneficial. If you’re going to make a deal with them, a part of the deal must be that they will stop doing that, and more to the point; you’ll have to stop allowing them to by walking into that trap over and over.

Negotiation.

There is an opportunity to negotiate a mutually beneficial survival strategy with this kind of a person. They are not interested in romance and sexual connection. Instead, they rather use it for bargaining for survival. Thererefore, there’s a mutual opportunity for someone who does want romance and sexuality from their ultimate connection but hasn’t found it yet. “I do this, and you do that, and even after I marry the person who I want, I’ll look after this area in your life for this pay pack.”

It is unnecessary to mix survival-relationship as a romantic deal. You can make use of a person like that with their full consent as long as you negotiate the terms in a way they can understand it. Remember, they will use romantic and sexual love as a bargaining tool as they’ve noticed it works, without realizing they’re making matters worse for their potential collaborator. They don’t understand what romantic love is for or about, but they use it when it seems to get them closer to feeling safe and secure, even though it is a payment rather than a joy for them.

Do not expect them to understand your emotional or sexual needs. Focus on the deal.

It will be a relief for them if they don’t need to deal with your emotions at all. Therefore, keep things very “professional” rather than friendly or romantic. They will rather thrive as “a professional friend.” You make the deal clear; for as long as they DO this, you will DO that, but leave emotions out of it.

It’s just that with a Idealists*, emotions are the thing that gets the Survivalist* their survival package. That’s why they go there. Also, the Idealists*, even when they would appreciate a good survival strategy, they feel like they’re cheating that person out of their money and help if they don’t feel warm and fuzzy feelings toward them. To a Idealists*, it is appalling to find oneself not loving ones parents, for instance. They feel like a criminal. Still, the person who fails to ignite their love is most likely a Lover-thinking* parent, whose emotional capacity is about at the level of an earth worm. Therefore, to make the best of it, make it a business transaction and decide emotions do not matter in it. It’s just a deal.

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